The elusive Benjamins...

The elusive Benjamins…

Ok. So it’s been a while since I did a post. Ya’ll are gonna have to forgive me because work has been crazy busy. Anyway, so the new year started off well. My family was around for the holidays and I had the absolute best time with nieces and nephews and the rest of the family. And then they left and we got down to work and other things sort of took a a backseat. Anyway, I hang out a lot on the social networks during my free time, most times just watching what people are up to and often times, getting amused by them. I noticed a trend, especially on Twitter, where everyone is all about lanes. Everyone is all, “Stay your lane booboo.” “Swerve.” I’ve noted other more colourful things being said but let’s not get into that. I’ve realized that it all comes down to money. As a working woman, I have learnt to appreciate my money. I work very hard for it and play hard too, whenever I please, however I please, because, hey, it’s my money. I have never had the luxury of sitting back and having everything taken care for me. I practically put myself through university. My mother always hammered it into my head that I should not even think about thinking of getting married before getting myself a job. She said a man will be happy to take care of you while he’s courting you but once that deal is sealed and you’re in the box, that changes. Something about having no respect for the woman who sits back and waits to be taken care of. Apparently a man will respect you more if you show you can pull your weight a bit and earn a little bit of your own cash. Even if it’s just a meager amount compared to what he makes. That way he can trust that in case something ever happens to him, his family will be well taken care of by said woman.  I don’t know, maybe I am over-simplifying or I’m over-generalizing, maybe you lads out there can enlighten me…. all I know is what my Mama taught me. And she speaks from experience. Whatever the case, I was brought up to be self-sufficient. Everything I have, I got through my own sweat. And the truth is, there is a sort of primal satisfaction knowing that you worked for what you have. Of course being a self-sufficient a.k.a independent woman comes with it’s own challenges, what with men running away from you like their tails are on fire getting cold feet around you, but then, that’s another story for another day… The tribulations of an independent  modern woman…

This, of course, brings up the huge issue of women and money. LOL. I was chatting with a friend the other day and he says he’s basically disillusioned with relationships because it seems to him that all women are out for in a relationship is money! The gold diggers. And for the longest of time I have despised such women. They have an easy life while the rest of us have to break our backs to scrape up a living. Another friend said we shouldn’t be too hard on them because they work hard too and I was all like Pffffft! Work hard my big ass! big toe! All they do is lie there, let the man do all the work, then they get showered with all sorts of gifts. That is not hard work by my definition. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I still haven’t decided which, I’ve had my mind-set altered just a wee bit recently. I met this really, really loaded guy… (and I don’t mean loaded in the pants. Though, in all honesty, I have no idea if he was loaded in the pants, I never really got to find that out…) When I first met him, the dude had a poor first impression. He’s one of those really rich people with an extremely unfortunate taste in styling. Oh, who am I kidding, he had no style whatsoever. He’d worn one of those stiff blue Savco jeans, a T-Shirt and sports shoes with a sports jacket that had seen better days and one of those dirty-green/brown God papa hats. Now, admittedly, I am just a wee bit of a snob ( ._.) … so when this guy approached me as I was sitting minding my own business, listening to my music, I was just a teensy bit miffed. Anyway, never one to forget the manners my mother (Bless her) so diligently hammered into me, I smiled, welcomed him to the seat across me and proceeded to give him a listening ear. Anyway, long, long story short, the dude was veeeery persistent and pushy and I agreed to have a drink with him. So imagine my surprise when he invited me for said drinks at the Serena hotel. I was like, hold on, HUH??? Oooooook. Alright. No biggie. I meet him on a Friday evening and in the process find out the nigga be rich! Like ridiculously so. He was talking in terms of hundreds of millions and billions! FUCK! And here I was feeling so uppish over my ka-quarter a million salary! Talk about L.A.N.E.S! I was officially put in my place. (Of course the first thing I wondered was, eeeerrr, you have all that money and you choose to dress like that?? Really guys, he was in another pair of  stiff blue jeans, sports shoes, T-shirt and a baseball cap! Again. It’s like it’s a uniform he has to were everyday. I guess it’s all well because then people tend to underestimate him like I did… Still though… *Shaking my head*) Anyway, as the date progressed, I realized this is a man who is used to taking care of his women. At some point he mentions this lady he dated at some point who conned him out of a 100K by lying to him that her dad was dead and they needed to make funeral arrangement bla bla bla… turns out she just wanted some cash to go for a holiday with her other boyfriend in Mombasa! I can’t remember how he found out but then again, that is not the point here… Anyway, this man proceeded to just give me cash! Like, he had this whole bundle of a thousand shilling notes in his pocket and he just whipped it out and started peeling some of those notes for me. He looked at my nails and told me I needed to get a pedicure (My nails are pretty but fragile. Any time I apply nail polish, they start peeling off. It’s like they’re allergic to nail polish or something…. Maybe someone needs to come up with some organic nail polish or herbal nail polish or something… hhhmmm, now there is a business idea. Anyway so because of that, I rarely paint my nails.) then he looked at my hair and said I should probably get my hair done too. At some point I told him I needed to head on home sort out dinner for my siblings and he proceeded to peel off more of those notes for me. He asked the concierge to go deposit the cash in his M-Pesa account then I’d send it to my siblings…that way, I’d stay with him a little longer!! Anyway, the guy literally threw money at me. At some point he offered to buy me a Mercedes C-class! He said he wanted his woman well taken care of. I declined the offer. Told him I am not ready to own a Mercedes just yet so he asks what car I’d want!!! (shaking my head) He proceeded to tell me all about his businesses and basically hinted at his net worth. And I could see from the way he was talking, he wasn’t being all Jang’o about it…you know, bragging nshit…. he was just talking and the details just sorta kept slipping into the conversation. (Or he was bragging but being really, really clever about it and I fell for the shtick… oh, well.) And then just like that, it hit me! Some women are after the money because men make it so bloody easy for them!! I mean, the man was literally cramming money down my throat and I hadn’t even asked for it! (Don’t get me wrong, I love money and frankly I’d rather be crying while rich than laughing while struggling financially. Life has so many problems that I’d rather money not be one of them.)And I kept on wondering why men are always complaining that women are out for money when some of them are so willingly flinging it in our faces? I am not rich, but I’m comfortable. I do not struggle much and I don’t live paycheck to paycheck. I could stand to do a little more proper investments but that neither here nor there. The issue is, not everyone is at the point where I am financially so I understand that another, not so financially stable, woman might have jumped on that bandwagon so fast and milked him dry for as long as it lasted. Or a lazy chic not willing to get off her butt and work might have gone at it hard… I don’t know.

It’s all about the money…. Is it really?

All I know is, men keep whinning about money-minded women when they are the ones who make it soooo easy at times. For me, he was basically proposing an exchange of money for sex. In an exclusive relationship, yes, but still an exchange nonetheless. Oh wait, let’s not forget that this is a married man with children and a damn pretty wife to boot. I’m not ugly but I’m not what would be considered smoking hot either. I’d probably pass for cute… so for a minute there I did wonder what exactly about me was attracting this man when he had such a pretty wife waiting for him at home. It could have been my ass though. I guess. It’s huge. You slap it on Christmas day and it won’t stop shaking until after New Years day… sigh. I have a love-hate relationship with this bottom. It has almost stopped traffic and I have been dumped because of it…. Anyway, I digress. I won’t lie that I didn’t get tempted to just give in and let him do as he wanted. Oh, but I did. In the worst way!! The man drives a Range Rover Evoque for heaven’s sake!! (My poor sedan probably developed low self esteem after being parked next to it!!) and he was literally throwing high-end cars at me and offering to pay my rent nshit… OF COURSE I got tempted! EISH! You’d have to be inhuman not to get tempted. Or filthy rich yourself. Both of which I’m not. For a second there, I had this epiphany. Why not just get with him and get all the money I could from him while it laasted (probably pick up a few contacts from him too) and once I’d had enough, leave him. Shiet, I could probably use some of the money to pay for a first class therapist to help me forget what I did to get that money!! (Or get some high grade weed or something, light it up and forget!) Thank God sanity prevailed.

Anyway, bottom line of all this ranting?

1. Men, stop bitching about women who’re out for money. Some of you literally paint the X on your asses then you start crying foul when some unscrupulous person zooms in on it. Grow up, accept the consequences of your actions like the man you are. Now, this don’t mean that now you become stingy S.O.Bs….. no! Stingy men are a no-no with women, as around. Like this guy I once dated…. SMH, never mind, I’ll tell you that story another time. Just don’t brandish your money about as a weapon to attract a woman then cry about it when she bites.

2. Also, Men, not all women are out to gold-dig. Some of us make our own money and we are proud to carry our own weight and yours too, if need be.

Gimme that.

Gimme that.

3. Good God, I have a new-found respect for women who sleep with men for money. That shit is tough! This man barely touched my thigh and I cringed. Like, visibly cringed enough that he noticed and took away his hand. How do you silence that inner voice of disgust enough to not only allow him to run his hands all over you but to poke your honey pot with his dong, repeatedly, without being high on something?? As it is, I was so embarrassed at the whole situation, I ended up paying the bill for the drinks. Which I could see took him aback for a second…

4. Women, making your own money, no matter how little, will wonderfully boost your self-esteem and self-respect and sense of self-worth which no one can take away from you. Try it and see.

5. If any of y’all ladies want the guy’s number, holla at me! 🙂 You gots ta have a big-ass bottom though…. he seemed really enthralled by that!

The gold-digger's poem..

The gold-digger’s poem..

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Do Not Try This…. 7 (damn-near) Impossible Sex Positions.

Y’all know the unwritten rule of the land…. When you ain’t  having something, or even worse, when you are not supposed to have something, you tend to constantly think and obsess about it. And this is exactly why diets do not work for me and most of the women out here. Because I think of that carrot cake I am NOT supposed to have and suddenly I feel like I will die if I do not have a bite of the damn cake. Heck, forget about the cake, even a simple mint sweet seems like manna from heaven when you are on a diet. So I simply do not tell myself I’m on a diet lest weird cravings kick in! Anyway, not to digress. I’ve been on an impossibly dry, dry-spell. (sigh) so the truth is, I’ve pretty had the bumping uglies on my mind like 85% of the time. Yes, dear men, women can day-dream about sex too. Which can really be a pain in the ass when you’re in a meeting and random parts of you starts perking up and other literally get their pom poms and start cheering in the presence of random dudes! FTS

The grumpy cat

The grumpy pussy (sic)

Anyhoodles, long-suffering sigh on one of those boring afternoons at work, I am just trolling the ‘net as usual, I came across the Kama Sutra and I was bored (or bold) enough to flip through it while at work. (P.s; You do NOT want to know the look on one of my colleagues’ face when she walked into my office and discovered what I was up to!!! Lol. Most comical look EVER.) So, I’m browsing and browsing through and drooling just a teensy weensy bit at the very buff, muscular species of the male variety depicting all manner of sensual, carnal pleasure that has been denied to me all these past many, many, many months. I remember thinking to myself that all folks engaged in coitus (I just had to use that word. I’m an adult but I burst out into helpless giggles every time I hear it. Hehehe.) should be rounded up and shot and just leave the rest of us in miserable peace. And now for some reason, I can’t stop picturing some grumpy cat I keep on seeing on Twitter feeling very happy about the shooting of the sexed up bastards people. Forgive me, I am taking you everywhere today. I am ever so slightly high on some Codeine-laced medication I have taken for a migraine. I keep giggling randomly. I do that when I am high. Tihihihihi.

Anway, without further distraction, here are the top seven, damn near-impossible to achieve, positions (in no particular order) that I thought you shouldn’t try at home…..or anywhere for that matter!

1. The Headspinner:

the-headspinner

The headspinner

How it works: He stands (or is it spins?) on his head with his legs in the splits while you wrap yourself around his torso, scissor between his legs and balance in his armpit.

My take: Where do I even start? Look Ma, no hands!!! Or NOT. Now, now, you may be dating a professional break dancer, (or a contortionist, I don’t know what kinda freaky situations you are into!) and he may be able to do some electric bugaloo shit, but can he balance hands-free on his head AND pump his upside-down dong in you while you’re balancing in his armpit? There’s this thing, you see, it’s called gravity. So, I’m going to go ahead and endorse this one. Go for it. Go wild. And quite frankly if you and anyone you know are stupid enough to attempt this, regardless of how co-ordinated, strong, flexible or agile you are, you deserve everything you get. Just don’t forget to set up a camera. Oh, and set up the feed to automatically send to mizthunderthighs@gmail.com ……  Y’know, just in case you’re unable to move for some reason or another… 😉

2. The Pair Of Tongs:

The Pair Of Tongs

How it works: In this position, you hang off the bed sideways, supporting most of your weight on one arm. The man holds your waist, straddles your lower leg while holding your upper leg and inserts the D in the P.

My Take: I looked at the picture of this one and just laughed. Talk about superhuman strength! Who makes this stuff up? If you’re not a master at side plank, or don’t have the upper body strength of Madonna, your arms are going to collapse or you are going to fall on your head the minute he starts pumping. Let’s be honest, he’s going to forget that you are in a precarious position the minute dong hits your honeypot and sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but side entry is NOT always pleasurable. Plus, it’s gotta be a schlong, not a schlort, if you expect to achieve any sort of penetration…

3. The Wanton Wheelbarrow:

the-wheelbarrow

The wanton wheelbarrow

How it works: You do a hand stand while he stands and grips your waist, entering your honeypot from behind.

My Take: Sigh. Seriously, who comes up with these things? Surely there are easier, less awkward, more fun AND flattering ways for a woman to demonstrate her upper body strength. Not all of us are Olympic standard gymnasts! The truth is, your elbows are going to give out in like 30 seconds and things are not going to end very well for the man brave enough (or is it foolish enough?) to try this. It doesn’t work out well for the lady either! Especially if he has poor hygiene and you have to smell his socks. (Why is he wearing socks???? Ugh.)

4. The Back Breaker: (huh???)

back-breaker

The back breaker

How it works: You starting by standing on your bed, he levitates in mid-air while you sit on his dong with your legs hooked around his neck. After you assume this position, you fall backwards in unison. Can be repeated as often as you want. Why would you want want to repeat such a ridiculous thing??? 

My Take: WHAT THE FUCK?? Do I even need to go into why a position called ‘Back Breaker’ should not find it’s way into your sex talk, let alone your bedroom? It’s called Back Breaker for heaven’s sake! Also, nobody can levitate and manage to move his pelvis in any way that is pleasurable! No, not even your awesome-ass boyfriend. OK, maybe Idris Elba….. *Sigh* That man can gerrit. He can fetch it, he can obtain it, he can bend it like Beckham if he so wishes and he can keep it too! Wishful sigh. As one of my pals keeps telling me, some people are really created in the image of the almighty being…. *Sigh*

5. The London Bridge:

london-Bridge

The London Bridge

How it works: To start this position, the man must get on all fours, facing upward. (hahaahaahaha!! If you’ve gotten this far, as a couple, congratulations to the man for being a double jointed freak of nature) You, the woman, then (somehow!!) straddles the man without knocking out his legs from under him and the riding begins.

My Take: These joint positions are completely unnatural for human beings. (Unless you are a contortionist or you have some weird disease like Marfan’s Syndrome…) That, and I’d really love to know the person who can hold a bridge with another human being sitting on their pelvis humping away… And I can’t even figure out how the D and P would line up for any penetration decent enough to achieve the big O. Any insertion would be impossible, as the man’s middle region will naturally want to bend inward, towards the ground… SMH. Also, if the ‘bridge’ falls down, the woman’s center of gravity would be sitting at a shock point to the man’s spinal cord with the possibility of intense back injuries, minor pelvic injuries, and a really hurty butt for both parties! Frankly, I wouldn’t try this one. Unless I really, really don’t want to look at the guy’s face. Maybe he’s ugly. Like really ugly. Like warthog ugly. Or, like the-walrus-that-ate-the-wathog ugly. Maybe then. And even then, and let’s be honest here, unless it’s like the post-apocalypse era or something, I wouldn’t be caught alive with someone THAT ugly. *Chills* Bloody bollocks! One last thing, why ‘The London Bridge’? Why not The San Francisco Bridge? Or The Nairobi River Bridge?

6. The Backdoor Cartwheel:

backdoor-cartwheel1

The backdoor cartwheel

How it works: Uuhhmmm, honestly, I have not been able to figure out how this one works. I guess someone gets in a cartwheel position and somehow D and P manage to find each other and you cartwheel around together. I guess. *Scratches head*

My Take: Where do I even start with this one? First of all, the “backdoor” reference in the name of this position is raising all sorts or red and blue and green and whatever other colour of flags…. Where is his dong going??? In the sausage wallet (the P) or the butt a.k.a backdoor??? DO NOT attempt this!!! Seriously though, what could be so horribly broken about your relationship that either one or both of you feel the need to over-compensate in this way??? Holy Crap, this position scares the bejezzuz outta me!! However, if you and your partner are able to carry this out (and I shall require both photographic evidence for this…), then I shall crown you Master and Mistress of All Things Sexual. 😀 *Hands you sceptre and crowns*

7. The Pogo Stick:

pogo-stick

The Pogo Stick

How it works: Basically, the guy crouches down, lifts you up before standing back up and pulling you down. He somehow manages to hold you on his dong, in mid-air, facing forward, AND simultaneously alternating crouching and standing repeatedly.  OK.

My Take: Do you have the abdominal strength to hold yourself in that position? Unless you are an have Gwen Stefani kind of rock-hard abs, NO. And even if you do, does he have the arm strength to keep you from falling backwards and cracking your head open? One slip, and you’re likely to hear a sharp snapping sound and the sound of a man crying…… There are just too many moving parts here for this to end in anything but an embarrassing hospital visit with a variety of injuries ranging from skull fractures to penis fractures to spinal injuries. (and let’s not forget, a whole lot of crying.) Unless this position is the very last thing left on your bucket list, please steer clear…

Now that Valentine’s Day is around the corner, I implore you to please, take a long hard look at your relationship. Have a frank discussion about your feelings and find other pleasant, more pleasurable and far LESS dangerous to explore and show your feelings and for heaven’s sake, leave this madness behind!! 😉 Just because it CAN be done, does not mean it SHOULD be done…. heeeheeehee. If you need a diagram (or an illustration/demonstration) to figure out what to put where and how to do it, should you even be attempting it??? But who am I to say they are impossible? Maybe if I got out and actually tried them out instead of reading about them and looking at drawings, I might actually do the impossible! Lol. Just kidding. I am never, never, ever even thinking of trying to attempt any of them! I like my bones just the way they are. Intact. So I shall stick to my single, kamasutra-browsing lane for now.

Now you crazy kids, get out there and have fun. And don’t forget to be safe. AIDS is real y’all….

Cheers.

That’s Just the Way it is…

Right now I feel like a tired train that is puffing along the rail as it heads to its destination. The only difference between me and the train is that it has a path set out for it, while I’m setting out a path on my own.  All I hear in my head is the chugging of the train on the rails, and periodically the sound of a hoot somewhere at the back of my head!

The hooting is all I heard for while and it created in me a sense of foreboding. It was sad that some people did not really understand me, where I came from and where I am going. While others saw what I did as a game- some sort of a joke, I took it seriously. I made a choice to stick it out- something odd, considering my impatience and sense of adventure. I wanted to try new things, but I knew and still know that every venture comes with a consequence. It is a little bit hard to work things out if some of the most important people in your life do not know what you are about. But with patience and tolerance, I hope they will get around to it and see things with my eyes even if just for a minute.

I lost friends, yeah, I have. I gained new ones too. Some who have shown me that life is not all about fun times. Life can be full of tears and sadness. But the thing that stood out the most is that these friends hang in there with me. They were that support I longed for when I was feeling down. They were there when I needed them; when I wanted to cry all the tears in me, and when I felt like laughter was just never enough. For friends lost: fare thee well. Thanks for the lessons you taught me.

I have made a lot of mistakes. Some I knew, others I stumbled upon, and even though I feel a little bit sad at either my naivety or stupidity; one thing is clear- the path I am creating is taking a shape that I like. All my mistakes will be stepping stones to things better, or worse, depending with the situation, but all in all I know I will hack it. I will make something out of all this groping around in the dark. I will click on that switch of light that will give me a sense of direction: a sense of when I will need an umbrella or when I will have to walk out in the sun’s glare.

I do not want this to sound like some sort of New Year memo. It is something I will always look back to and see the growth that I have achieved. It will be a footnote to the things that I will do from today onwards.

That’s just how it is…or not.

Love, Schmove…..

Love. What is it?

I ran into a friend of mine the other day and man, did the woman look happy. Not just happy as in smiling or facial expressions…. No. She looked HAPPY. The kind of happy that makes a person glow. And float on the air or glide around instead of walking like the rest of us. The kind of happy that is almost disgusting….(but only because YOU aren’t the happy one.) They have this look of contentment you can’t help but envy for a minute…. and boy, oh boy, did I envy her. For a minute, of course…. 😉 We get down to talking and she reveals the secret of her happiness…. She’s in LOVE! (birds chirps, skies open, angels come down and spontaneously burst into sweet melodies….) Yes, my friends says she is finally done with the dating drama and dramatic men and dramatic relationships and she’s in love. She’s settled. And content. And they’re even thinking of getting married soon. And I’m like “Wow!! Isn’t that a bit too soon? How do you even know this is love?” She looks at me with this knowing (and, might I add, slightly irritating) smile and simply says “When it’s the real thing, you’ll know.” Well, thank you for the very informative insight! I’ll just know? How? Do I even KNOW what love is? And what is ‘Real Love’ anyway? I assume this, then, means that there’s also fake love. Fake love??? That’s a misnomer right there, if you ask me….. But you’re not asking me so, yeah, whatever. I got to thinking (which, quite honestly, is not always a good thing) about some situation my friend landed herself in. She meets this guy, likes him a LOT, finds out guy is married, ditches the guy and moves on. A while later…(this guy is really clever. He let her have some time to calm down and the anger dissipate, then she starts thinking just how much she misses him and if maybe she wasn’t too rash with her decision then, BAM, a guy calls! It’s like guys have ESP or something that tell them when a chic is vulnerable and they strike at that time…. CLEVER BASTARDS...) the guy calls and is all sweet nshit and she ends up agreeing to have coffee with him. He treats her real good and she’s basically beginning to forget this guy’s not-so-single situation. Thankfully, she’s just a wee bit skeptical so later she asks him some stuff…. the conversation goes like… (Yes, I’m paraphrasing. Yes, I got her permission….. *Sticks tongue out rudely*)

She said: I worry that you might break my heart.

He said: The fact that you worry makes it even more exciting. It tells me you are very careful. Hmmmm. It makes it worth waiting.

She said: Can I ask you a difficult question and you answer me honestly.

He said: Of course you can ask…..

She said: What will you do if your wife ever finds out about me?

He said: Introduce you to her…. (Ati whaaaat? I laughed so hard at this…. Niqqa, please!)

She said: Are you for real??????  (I KNOW, RIGHT??? RIGHT??)

He said: Do you expect that coz she knows, or gets to know, I will drop you? Haiya, no way. I will introduce you two and let you cope. Unless anyone wants to bail out…..  (OK, here I just didn’t know what to say. My jaw hit the ground, my tongue rolled out, my eyes popped out of their sockets……)

She said: Is this an exclusive thing or do I get to see other guys?

He said: If I had my way in this, it would be me alone but (and I say this shingo upande) you can see other guys. Can I meet them first? Just to assess….. (I have never laughed harder in my life that I did at this point. After, of course, I recovered from my head exploding…. Gad DAMN!!)

She said: You would share me with another man??? (Ehe, jibu swali!……)

He said: No, I don’t want to but I don’t have a choice. It’s your call babe…. (I’m sorry, I could not go beyond this. I just couldn’t. I still can’t. WHAT????)

That shit right there reminded me of this guy I’d met earlier this year. Married guy, confounded me ever so slightly … It was the hormones. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I did a post on him, one of the earlier ones…this guy basically told me to my face that I’m his back-up plan. I am quite very certain that I am worth much more than just a back-up! Eish! Anyway, moving on…… My issue with this situation is, this guy is professing his undying love to my friend yet he is willing to SHARE her with another man? After he assesses him and gives approval of course…. *Right now, I’m doing that thing where I pretend my right hand is a gun, I put it to my forehead and pull the damn trigger* Damn! Is that love? What kind of love is that????? What was that about love again? It conquers all?

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I heart you….

Back when I used to be less cynical and less disillusioned, that verse used to be one of the most beautiful things I ever read. And so intriguing. What is this thing that bears all, believes all, hope all and endures all things? Beautiful. 🙂 Nowadays, I’m jaded. I’m not sure I believe that anymore. I’ve been single most of my adult life. I can think of a couple of reasons why like I’m just too scared to put myself out there…. I tried once, then twice and I got burnt so bad that I just don’t have the will to try again. Plus my work schedule is weird and I barely have any free time. Whatever free time I have, I spend working out or in my bed sleeping. Plus, it has become my comfort zone. Whenever I think about going out, meeting new people, starting with the whole ‘What are your  hobbies? likes? Dislikes? Bla…bla…blabberty bla.” I get so exhausted. I like how things are now. I get to do what I want, when I want. I do not have to consider someone else’s plans, or feelings or whatever….. pretty selfish, I know. But it works for me for now. But mostly, it’s because I do not really trust in love. Or even believe it exists. I’m not even sure I could recognize love if it rubbed it’s crotch in my face (that’s about as in-your-face as it can get, no?) I was trolling the internet the other day and I came across a blog where this lady write’s letters to her lover’s wife. She’s married, he’s married but she’s been seeing this guy fro over four years now. And the guy is nowhere near leaving his wife for her. and she doesn’t want to leave her husband if the guy is not gonna leave his wife first! So she sees him when she can and she writes letters to the wife and posts them on her blog. Pretty twisted situation. And quite frankly, if that is an example of what love is, then I’m certain I do not want love in my life. I have so many other issues to deal with that I’m not sure I want any other complications…. That being said, I still feel happy when I see other people clearly smitten with each other. I root for them. And then I cross my fingers and hope that nothing goes wrong with their love. Then I run.

Welcome to the Friend-Zone…

friend zone advice

You can check-out any time you like…..but you can never leave!

For some reason I’ve had the song ‘Hotel California playing in my head the whole of today afternoon. I really hate when I have one particular song stuck in my head. Don’t get me wrong though, I love the song and I find the lyrics are quite poignant…. The verse goes like;

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Then, for some unknown reason, I started thinking about the dreaded friend-zone (for men anyway. I don’t know if there is a sister-zone for us lasses. Maybe some of you guys could elaborate here?) Anyway, the lyrics just reminded me of the friend-zone (a.k.a bro-zone?) and all I kept picturing the song going as (LQTM):

Welcome to the bro-zone/friend-zone
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the bro-zone/friend-zone
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here…

…..We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave…

What IS the Friend-Zone anyway??? And how is it different from the bro-zone? Are they one and the same thing? I’ve seen lots of men complaining on the social networks about women putting them in the bro-zone, and the friend-zone.

The friend-zone is a platonic relationship where one person wishes to enter into a relationship, while the other does not and is considered to be an undesirable situation by the lovelorn person. It’s generally a very frustrating, very shitty place to be and is more commonly experienced by men than women though females have been rumored to arrive in The Zone on occasion. (Reports are unsubstantiated).

Bro-zone, on the other hand, seems to have a couple of meanings….

1. The circle of celibacy into which a woman places a male acquaintance she is not attracted to, such that she can continue to develop emotional connection with him without commensurate sexual involvement. In this situation, a male inadvertently becomes a ‘platonic friend’ of an attractive female with whom he was trying to initiate a romantic relationship.

2. It is when a woman is crowned “one of the guys.”…… Basically, it’s like the friend-zone, but somehow worse….. It’s when you are attracted to someone and they deem you a “bro.” You are no longer seen as a female with flowing hair and attractive curves. No. You are now seen as a guy who happens to wear a bra. You may think the bro-zone is an alright place to be, but it’s not. Sure, the guy now feels comfortable to spill his secrets with you. Sounds great, right? WRONG. These secrets, 90% of the time, are about other girls. The other 10% is about stuff you frankly just don’t care about in general as well as other gross things like scratching of the nuts, burping and farting in your presence… *shivers* Neither are good.

I have been informed that, apparently, “Friend-zone” generally describes the zone women put men in while “Bro-zone” describes the zone that men put women into. Still there is some cross-over with some confusion about which zone is which and which applies to men or women. Whatever. Let’s not get caught up too much on the descriptions.

So, the Friend-zone…… (Also known as the ‘Bro-zone’)… a disease plaguing men all over the globe. Many men are or have been infected by the disease. What is it? Well, basically, it is a state the man has been put into by a woman after a failed attempt to start a relationship.
What does this mean? Honestly? It means you’re fucked. It means that she’ll tell you “Hey, you’re a great guy!!!,” but is really thinking “But I’m gonna hold out for someone greater.” After all is said and done, she’ll decide she wants to keep you around because you’re “Mr. nice guy.” You’ll be stuck hearing statements like, “You are such a sweet guy”, “Why aren’t there more guys like you?”, “You’re such a good friend…”And about a million other derivatives of that statement, some being said at this very second as you read this…. You also get to watch her cry over her, mostly failed, relationships with other guys who, let’s face it, are almost always douches and you get to be their shoulders to cry on, pick them up when they get stood up, drop them for dates with said douche-bags….. The list is endless…. The friend-zone is NOT a good place to be at.

Doomed: Mr. Nice Guy…

I ‘fess up….. I have placed a couple of guys in the friend-zone ever since my eyes opened up (and my hormones finally kicked in…) and I discovered the male species (It was rather late and in all honesty, it’s mostly because my Ma had me so scared of boys! My Ma put in into my head and had me totally convinced that if I so much as looked at a boy, let alone allowed a boy to touch me, {God FORBID! *Crosses self*}I’d end up pregnant. And with twins, no less! Partly also because I was such a geek, and an introvert growing up….my head was always buried in a book or my ears covered by my head-phone, listening to music and minding my own business…. Remember those days of the Walk-man? Yeah….those were the times…. ☺ I’d gotten the walk-man as a gift for doing well in school and I remember discovering 3T and Soul4Real…. and I used to walk around with this BIC biro pen to rewind the cassette tape coz you didn’t want to re-wind it using the machine lest you drained your very expensive batteries! Then later I discovered Rick Dees….. ☺ and thus begun my love-affair with music….. Sigh )

Most women can get sex anywhere, any time and any way they want it. The problem is, for us, sex is tied up with emotions. The female brain works very differently. It quickly “Either – Or’s” any guy it encounters. Either he’s going to be a lover or he’s going to be a friend….. The result? It’s infinitely easier for women to place men into the category of “friends” rather than admit them as lovers. This works out wonderfully for the woman because she can reap all the benefits of having a man around without the entanglements that sex brings to the table. 🙂 Women can be such evil geniuses I tell you! Speaking for myself, once I place a man in the friend zone – he isn’t coming out of it. Of course this doesn’t mean the poor chap is now gonna be my new BFF (Oh, hell NO! No one can replace my girlfriends!) but he is most certainly NOT gerring it either…..

I remember this stand-up comedy I was watching and Chris Rock goes like:

You know one cool thing about women, women get to have platonic friends. “He’s my pal, he’s my bud, he’s my platonic friend…I love him like a brother, he’s my buddy, my platonic friend.”
Men don’t have platonic friends. We just have women we haven’t fucked yet….!!!
I mean, we got some platonic friends, we go “Oh no, I got some but they all by accident – every platonic friend I got is some women I was trying to fuck, I made a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the friend zone – Oh No! I’m in the Friend Zone!”.

I guess it’s because men brains don’t work like women’s brains do. Since they generally aren’t as emotional, they aren’t burdened with the issue of separating friendship from sex. In fact, it’s just the opposite: When a man likes a woman, he naturally wants to express his feelings between the sheets, no?

So. Why? Why do women do this to men? A woman can place a man in the friend zone for various reasons….. I can’t speak totally for all women….but I can tell you a few reasons (some of which some women will NEVER, ever admit to! ☺ )

  • She’s just not attracted to you: Yeah, sure, you are funny and charming and kind and honest all things nice but the truth is you don’t rock her world. Sometimes it’s just the way it is – you don’t want to hit the sheets with every woman you meet after all, do you? At this point she may decide to spare your feelings (we know you men have fragile egos when it comes to some things….you don’t fool us ☺) and tell you she’d rather be friends… “Oh but we’re just friends! You’re like my brother…. I don’t want to ruin our lovely friendship”….or anything that sounds like that. Sorry guys, if you don’t rock her world, you don’t. Either get used to it and get rid of your romantic feelings for her and deal with the let’s-just-be-friends situation or cut your loses and move on completely.

You are in The Zone if….

  • Age: Most of us have no problems dating a guy older than us (within a certain limit, of course). A younger guy, on the other hand is murky ground… Mostly because there’s double-standards applied to dating and an older woman dating a younger guy is frowned upon while an older man dating a younger girl is actually celebrated! I may like a guy totally but the moment I discover he’s younger than I, the situation changes. If a guy is younger, some of us automatically relate them to our younger bros… and no one is gonna date their younger bro, right? Of course the situation is changing nowadays and I see more and more older women dating younger men….truth is though, most of us are still old-fashioned enough that a younger age automatically disqualifies you from our dating pool…. Ain’t nothing you can do about that fellas…. This is the Small-Bro Zone…. Chances of you leaving this one are very slim to none… Lol!
  • Arrogance: I’m sorry guys, but arrogance is NOT attractive or sexy. Nothing dries up the vagina faster than arrogance….(In fact, studies have been conducted that show arrogance as one of the leading causes of vaginal dryness. Other causes discovered include man-purses, lack of the mulla and questionable oral hygiene among others…) For me, arrogant guys are automatically friend-zoned, no matter what. I don’t care how big your dong is, how much of a stud you are, how much money you have…..the moment you are arrogant enough to think that because of that, you can get me, you practically flip off my switch. I remember this guy I met who I thought was cute and funny and he probably would have gotten it (maybe even sooner than he thought…. there was a, ahem, dry-spell situation going on…) but the bastard guy was arrogant enough to tell me to my face ‘I know you want me…just admit it. I’m gonna bang you soon…’ BIG MISTAKE….. *Door slams* Female boner totally flew at out the window and the guy was friend-zoned so fast, I bet his head is still spinning. We know you guys are arrogant….just don’t rub it in our faces please…. Comprende?

Can somebody say door-mat…?

  • You’re a doormat: She has relegated you to friend status because you’re way too nice, too accommodating and too ass-kissing. You are too available to her and she knows she can have you just by snapping her fingers. You follow her around like a moon-eyed puppy dog. You try too hard to impress her. She’ll keep you around because, let’s face it, which person is gonna turn down THAT. And some women are cruel enough to keep you around while feeding you some hope that one day she shall date you while seeing some other guy… see? Why burn down the bakery when she can have her cake and eat it, too
  • Tha Mulla: Unfortunately, money is a big factor for some women. If you don’t have it (or enough of it), odds are you’ll be dumped into the friend zone while she chases that jerk who has enough of it but most likely treats her like shit… Thankfully, not all of us think this way… There are some women out here who actually get up and go to work,, earn their own money and buy their own stuff instead of making their money on their backs and waiting to be done for every single thing….
friend zone sign

Danger… Friend Zone ahead…

  • All on you: Sigh. This pains us so….but guys, there are times, despite our very best intentions, you literally land yourself at the zone. Sometimes ending up in the friend zone is completely your fault – and no one else’s. If you don’t speak up about how you feel, you can’t expect the woman you’re into to read your mind and have enough balls for the both of you to make a move. If you’re too scared to respond to an obvious mating call, if your skull is too dense to notice the very obvious come-hither looks and actions she throws your way, don’t cry about them moving on to someone else, you have no one to blame but yourself…. There is only so much I can do to get you to notice me… (short of taking off all my clothes in-front of you and prostrating myself at your mercy. But let’s be realist, some idiots are such dolts, you’d drop your knickers and shake your booty in-front of them and they’d probably think it is too hot and you’ve found a new, albeit unconventional, way to cool yourself off…. Bah!) And shyness isn’t the only way you could fuck yourself into the Zone….. If you’re into someone who wants a commitment you can’t or refuse to offer, you better believe you’ll get put into storage dude…..
  • Timing: This one totally sucks. Maybe when you met, you were in a relationship. Or she was in one. And somehow you are never single at the same time… Or you met at a time when your priorities weren’t aligned… sucks all way round…..
  • Sex: Oh, the horror…. LOL! Sometimes you land in The Zone because you’re, for lack of a better term, otherwise challenged when it comes to the horizontal hokey-pokey…. Many a man have wondered how they landed in the ZONE after what initially seemed like a promising relationship…. But we were doing so well…she was into me….but we had SEX! How did I land at The Zone? Well, if you had poor game, sometimes a gal might just decide to friend-zone you rather than sleep with you ever again. lqtm…. Sex is such a complicated issue to deal with, especially when it comes to women….but the truth is, if what you had was horrible sex, no matter how much she likes you, you’re getting dumped in the friend zone. If I get more satisfaction from a full bladder that your, ahem, bedminton activities…things are thick…. :-/ I would rather be single than subject myself to mediocre sex… bring on the dry-spell, baby…. LQTM.

For whatever reason that you take a turn and find yourself at the friend-zone, all I can say is all is not lost…. 🙂 As a friend of mine, who is soooo in love it’s disgusting, recently said to me, the friend zone is full of potential….take another look at your friend-zone and re-evaluate why those people are in there. You might just find your gem there… 🙂 So here I am, re-thinking and re-evaluating my choices…..

All about them Boobies.

What is it about boobs?

Oooooh, don’t look at me like THAT! It’s October. Breast cancer awareness month. How could I let it pass without saying something about them boobies? Come oooooooooon! ☻ I like breasts. Yes, I said it. I like breasts. Especially the kind that are not mine. There is just something magical about them… Most of us women actually can’t understand what the big deal is about boobs and some of us even think guys are such perverts for obsessing over two blobs of fat and milk on a woman’s chest…. I have been recently inducted into the ‘Church of Boobs-are-glorious’ and I confess to now seeing the light… So for y’all women audibly sighing right now, please save your comments until we women stop obsessing about diamonds. Thank you. Now, what are boobs? Hahaha!! The comments I have heard from far and wide about boobs are simply priceless. Some got me laughing so hard till there was no sound coming out and then I ended up looking like a retarded seal just rolling on the floor in my pee and clapping stupidly.

Top ten most hilarious facts:

  • Breasts are, in fact, big lumps of fat with milk.
  • Breasts are those things you stare at when trying to ask a girl on a date.
  • Breasts are made for use by mindless infants and are so powerful that they manage to reduce most adults to the same mental level.
  • Boobs can either:

a) help you get a job/promoted or

b) make the workplace more tolerable for the rest of us.

  • Boobs are often successfully used in place of a coherent plot or acting in movies to create a great film.
  • Staring at breasts can reduce your IQ to something you can’t even spell, let alone use.
  • They have been known to contain a substance that induces mind control visually.
  • The power of boobs should not be underestimated.
  • Although they begin developing at puberty, it would be wise to wait until they’re legal to stare.
  • Boobs are like a piece of art.

Why do we love the boobies?

1. The cleavage:

Giggity-giggity…..

2. The under-boob:

Aaaaand, a moment of silence please… sigh.

3. the Side-boob:

From the dawn of time, boobs have been shaping history – destroying careers, crippling world powers…..the works….. Many men have been nearly destroyed by these orbs of power ( I really, really, really was tempted to put a pic of Bill Clinton here….but….. Sigh. Let me be good. ) …….Still, whatever your view are about boobs, you have to admit they are fascinating.

What’s the best boob size? Sigh. This is complex. The answer totally depends on who you ask of course. The small-breasted women want big ones; the big-breasted ones want smaller ones. (Well, at least I know I do…sigh, what I wouldn’t do for a set of bouncy B-cups…..) Of course if you ask men, the majority of them will insist the bigger the titties, the better!! SMH.

Do guys know the trouble that comes with big boobs? They’re huge so the first disadvantage is you can never prance around without a bra. (Speaking of bras…. I am very certain, and close to proving my hypothesis, that the bra was invented by a man. And a very sadistic one at that! Oooooh, the joys of getting home and taking off that bra… sigh. Magic.) Anyway, yes, I was saying, no prancing about without a bra. The damn things will swing this way and swing that way, and the nipples get all perky nshit…smh. Nasty stuff. And let’s not even go into the looks you get from people when you walk all swingy, swingy from the chest. The second thing…..itchy underboobs….and between-boobs…wherever there’s skin, there’s likely gonna be sweating. Wherever there’s sweating, y’all know there’s serious itching… So I’m once in a work meeting and I get this sudden, incessant itch. Under-boobs itching like mad. That itch that just won’t go away. Gets worse the more you ignore it…. I ended up unconsciously scratching and then adjusting the bra. LMAO! Then I look up and find half the people are staring at me like I have two heads!!! And the other half? The amount of drool I could have collected…..! SMH. Not a very stellar moment I admit… Back-aches… Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, the bigger the boobs, the worse the backaches. No wonder women like Queen Latifah went under the knife to get rid of some of that weight! And the lack of fitting tops/clothes…. And the lack of good bras. The bra people decided big breasted women do not need good bras. And by good bras, I mean the sort that would have humans of the male variety wanting to tear it off with their teeth… Yes, that sexy kind. Most bras for us are functional. And if you manage to get the good kind that I’m talking about, you better believe they’ll cost an arm and a leg…. But, the silver lining? That astounded look a guy gets when they see them babies. That cleavage packs a punch I tell you!

What size?

Anyway, enough about the big boob woes. I wanted to talk to men about a couple of things. (I am not gonna include women here coz I haven’t heard any complaint yet from a woman about another woman man-handling {woman-handling?} her babies…) Lads, please take notes…..

Boobs are sensitive: Depends on a lot of things like the size and what point of her cycle the woman is in. Also, a woman may not always be aroused by you twiddling her boobs. Again, depends on what point of her cycle she’s at as well as well as other things like if she’s taking the pill/hormones etc….. There are times when a simple touch get her motors raving like mad…other times they’re so painful she may not want you to even touch them (wearing a bra at this point is a bitch too!) Personally, I prefer if you stay the hell away from my breasts when I’m on my period. Do not touch, do not even brush up against me or I will be forced to have you killed. Seriously. Be gentle with the twins Fellas…

They are not Stress balls: No! You do not need to get all grabby causing pain and booby bruises (and forcing some of us to be walking around in turtle-neck tops in this heat!). Booby bruises are not the new hickies. They are not sexy! I don’t care what’s going on with you…. if you are stressed or what, but boobs are NOT stress balls! Stop that! Neither are they detachable! You can’t take my titties with you! Eish. They’re staying here with me… If you want a pair, that’s something you’re gonna have to discuss with your therapist… So. Gentle….. gentle… Say it with me; GENTLE… And keep your hands clean and finger-nails short while you’re at it. Boobie lacerations aren’t pretty.

Boobies aren’t flames: So my girlfriend tells me of this dude she once was making out with and he started blowing air at her boobs. And she was like, WHY? Why would you blow at my boobies? Are you trying to light them up? They’re not flames! Or am I wrong ladies? Maybe some of y’all like the guy to blow on your twins…. Ladies? Needless to say, her session with the guy didn’t go beyond that.

Boobs are NOT door-knobs!: Sigh. Some of you guys have the sensitivity of a sledge hammer…. The center of the Boob is the source of its power. It is so powerful in fact that society does not permit its public display for fear of wide spread anarchy, and mass headsplosions….. It also sensitive AF!! So why would you go pinching the nipples and twisting them like door-knob? Do you know how painful that shit is? Any other women shudder at the thought of someone twisting a nipple? Good God. If someone did that to me, I’d snap their hand off at the wrist. Hey! Hey! HEEY! Cut that crap out! You don’t see me grabbing your dong and twisting it like a key in the key-hole, did you?!! Nkt. Washana kabisa….

Biting: Why, oh why would you be biting my girls? Nibbling is great, grazing lightly is even better… biting, not so much. It’s painful. Urrgh. They’re not carrots….They’re not sijui bread or fries or whatever… Stop biting them boobies!! Alternatively, we can start biting your dongs too… I call that a fair trade…. Let’s see if you like that Ish.

A pet peeve of mine…. guys who rush to the boobies before anything else. People, No encounter with a female should begin by you touching her breasts unless she puts your hands there, she is paid for by the hour, or it is somehow socially acceptable to do so in some odd scenario for some strange reason. Why not start with some kissing first? Huh? Huh?

Anyway, different women, different boobies, different reactions. What I know is, women vary wildly in this subject matter in particular. The best solution is to pay careful attention to the woman you are with and determine what works for her. If you are unable to do that, why not ask. You know how much women love giving instructions…. 😉

P.S:

It is October. Breast Cancer month. I implore you to please get screened. And this goes out to both women AND Men… Yes, pick your jaws from the floor, men can get breast cancer too…Women, doctors recommend monthly breast examinations… if you are unable to do a self-examination, please seek help from a doctor. They will be glad to show you how to do a self-exam. Women should begin practicing breast self-examination at about age 20 and continue the practice throughout their lives—even during pregnancy and after menopause. The best time to do the examinations is a few days after your periods when the breasts are no longer tender. For post-menopausal women, pick a certain day—such as the first day of each month—to remind yourself to do the examination. The self examination should be used in addition to the clinical breast examination (performed by a health care provider every three years for women in their 20’s and 30’s, and every year for women ages 40 and older) and mammography.

Men; even though men don’t develop milk-producing breasts, they still have a small amount of breast tissue. Anyone who has breast tissue is at a risk for developing breast cancer. This means men, too, can get breast cancer. Please, report any change in the look or feel of the breast (chest area), or nipple discharge right away to your health care provider. And if breast cancer runs in your family, a regular breast examination might also be helpful. Do not ignore this…. Breast Cancer is NOT a disease exclusive to women…..

Touch your breasts…learn your breasts…. Save a breast, save a life…..

Cheers…

We’re onto you, dear men…

I was bored….mindlessly trolling the internet a while back and I came across something quite interesting. I came across Cindy Gallup’s ‘Make Love Not Porn’ movement and my mind was practically blown. Now, for those of you who have never heard of her, Cindy Gallup is, for lack of a better term, a cougar. When this blessed lady was in her 40’s, she began dating (and having sex with) much younger men and unwittingly discovered that their bedroom playbook was a little too heavily influenced by porn. So this lady took it upon herself to rehabilitate and re-orient the young people back to the sensual ways of love play. My mind was blown. First thing I could think of was ‘FINALLY!!’ (and do an imaginary high-five….at which point my sister stared at me like I’d grown a breast on my face…) Anyway, this wonderful lady has made it her mission to teach us the difference between the “porn world” and the “real world”. ( I love this woman so much right now. Sigh.)

Now guys, we women have had similar experiences in the bedroom…and the truth is, some of us are too scared or too polite to say something about it. We think it, we even discuss it among ourselves (Yes guys, we discuss your peculiarities…. In detail…) but most of us will never come out and tell you. (Or maybe it’s juz me, I don’t know) Well fellas, the dam has been broken. Someone’s saying it… I can say it. Hopefully a few other women out there are going to feel confident enough to say it too…☻ It is time we (I?) confess. Gentlemen, we are onto you. We know you cast us in your personal porno fantasy on occasion. Lol!!! We are women, we can smell it a mile away, like we can smell fake Manolo Blahniks a mile away….. *Wink* (I know some of you be scratching their heads right now like Mano-whats? Save your scalps lads….Yeah, those are just really well made shoes that cost about my whole year’s salary for a pair. They make us women go all goo-goo gaa-gaa. Some women have been known, on occasion, to wet their knickers at the sight of a pair, even at the very thought of owning a pair…. They make an aaaaawesome gift. Especially if you are trying to buy your way back into a woman’s heart…) I digress…. Most of the time, we’re too polite to say anything and we either choose to attempt to play the part … or not. Don’t get me wrong now….. sometimes we’re into it, too. Like totally… Even initiate it…. *Wink* But the truth is times women feel overwhelmed by the unrealistic expectations. So, we are putting you on the spot, Gentlemen… ☻☻ ☻ It’s about time you come up with some original stuff…. Again, don’t get me wrong. I am not anti-porn… I’m not. I have indulged, on occasion…. ☻ I just think that some porn is so unrealistic and it makes some of us common folk feel like we are failing at sexual intercourse and therefore, life!!

So anyway, what are some of these things I’m talking about?

  1. The On-The-Knees BJ: Of all ways to give BJs, the most uncomfortable one is being on your knees. If you’re going to be down there for more than five minutes (and ya’ll know a proper one is gonna take more than 5 minutes….no?), your knees are going to start aching like holy hell. But, as it’s depicted in porn, we women love being down on our knees moaning and squealing for as long as it takes while our heads are being held and forcefully moved to and fro…… Nope. No. Yaya. Uh-uh. Nej. Dim. Hapana. Not fun. And while we are on that subject… Not all of us appreciate having our heads grabbed and having your dong shoved forcefully down our throats. No we don’t. Neither do we like the gagging, choking or damn-near-suffocation that goes along with that… If you are gonna do it, please, do check if she’s into it first…
  2. The Enthusiastic Hand Job: ☢ Hand jobs are just boring in real life. *Yawn* Always. And they make your arm hurt after a while. And if you have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, that ish hurts like hell…..Don’t let those video tell you otherwise.
  3. Girlfriend Action: No, we’ve never made out with our best friend. No, we don’t plan to or want to. No, she’s never going to stop over, have pizza and a few drinks with us and have a threesome with us. We wonder where you got that idea… P.S: Some of us are curious about the whole girl thing but you’ve gotta know IF we make out with a girl, then it’s definitely not our best friends! There is no way I want to see my best friend doing the hokey-pokey with you. There is no way I want to share your dong with MY BEST FRIEND…. She’s my friend…there’s no way I’ll ever look her straight in the face after I’ve watched your genitals touching. Banish that thought and move on please…
  4. Watching Us Pleasure Ourselves: Hahahahah. Sorry, I’ve gotta laugh first. Hahahaha…..hehehehehe…. The porniverse is full of women who masturbate upon request. Gad damn, sometimes they don’t even need a request! They’re just hanging out on their beds in the middle of the day waiting to masturbate play with themselves… I hate to burst your bubble Lads, but when we play with ourselves, it is not a production. We DO NOT set a time in our schedules to do the naughty. Neither do we wear high heels in bed as we play with ourselves…. hehehehe… It’s really awkward when you ask us to perform masturbation. It puts undue pressure on us….. Don’t do that. Now, on the other hand if I’m feeling freaky enough, I may just invite you to, ahem, spectate? LMAO. But that’s not an errday occurence guys… It’s like blue moon.
  5. The Facial: Guys…*sigh*….the truth is, most women find this messy (What?? Let you unleash a load on my 47K weave/extensions {sic}) and quite frankly, degrading. Those video girls look quite content with the jizz on their face…. in real life? Imma be rushing off to the bathroom to wipe that ish off… (But not with water…that makes it stick to the face like glue)
  6. Fingering: Oh Lawdy Lawd, don’t even get me started on this one! I think whoever invented this whole fingering business needs to be taken out to the backyard and shot twice in the head. And in the genitals, just for good measure. Gentlemen, not all women like fingering. In the videos, all a guy has to do is to start sticking his fingers into a woman and she’s raring to go… NO. Nyet. Aucun. Nicht. ¡No. કોઈ. नहीं. Onge. There, I do not think I could say it any stronger than that. In real life, kissing and touching, and fondling the boobies (gently! not like you’re finyaing some ugali and managu. Eish!), suckling the nipples and licking (all over….whenever, wherever…. and for some reason now that Whenever song by Shakira is playing in my head. That woman has got hips for days! And she can move that waist! Which reminds me, Sommore advises that all women should thank our mothers for teaching us how to hoola hoop. Comes in very handy apparently… *Wink* My Ma didn’t teach me. I need to go get me one of those hoop things….) And besides, why would I need your fingers fumbling about, poking and hurting me in my sensitive regions when I have ten perfectly functioning fingers of my own that know their way about??? Bah! And Gawd help you if the guy has poor hand hygiene and unkempt nail. Bacterial vaginosis….Yeast infections… Tears and lacerations…. UTIs…. uuurgh!
  7. Squirting: Oy! *Takes deep breath* Ok. I read in some deranged blog written by some equally deranged UG guy who basically states that Kenyan men are somehow less than their UG counterparts because they cannot make their women squirt. Some women can squirt. Some women cannot squirt. That is it, Lads. It’s that simple. There is no trick about it. Fact: An orgasm is just as good even if we do not turn into human fountains…. Fact: You are not some wizard if you make it happen. (Screw you, random, deluded UG guy. You and your blog.)
  8. Opening The Boot: Now, now Gentlemen, unlike the ready, willing and able buttholes of the porn ladies, real women’s buttholes tend to be a bit harder to work with. Professional girls make anal play look fun. (and easy too!). In real life it’s much more painful and messy. Don’t even get me started on the anal fissures. And the hemorrhoids. And the prolapsed rectums. Uuurgh! I’m not saying all women are against this form of sex…. I’m just saying, confirm first. Some of us women are of the mindset that there are entrances and there are exits…. Use them properly, as they are intended. And don’t be going, trying to sneak it up on me neither! Ati we’re in the middle of the doggy and kumbe you’re there plotting how you’re gonna open my boot! Then you try slipping it in ati you got confused about where to put your dong!!! (hahaha! We know the tricks!) Stop that guys! That being said, if y’all are agreeable on the matter, carry on you naughty children, you…

Sex should be easy and fun….

I should include a disclaimer….I have not been involved in the hanky-panky for a while. Like, A WHILE…. I am not even sure I know what goes on in the bedroom anymore! Hehehehe. I bet you kids have come up with newer, more creative things to do. I’m not even sure I want to know them! I think at this point I’m using the dry spell as a shield…. SMH. Help might be required here…

Anyway, making love should be easy, fun and leave you slightly breathless, even dizzy….. just like playing hopscotch. If you treat it like it’s a chore, then it’s not making love. If you go forcing stuff that your partner is not comfortable with, it’s not making love either. For men and women, love-making starts in the head and ends in the heart. Our bodies are just a tool we use to express it. The thing is to try to be intuitive about your partner’s needs…. their likes and their dislikes and tailoring your activities to that. And don’t be selfish, NO ONE likes a selfish lover.

P.S:

Every had bad sex? Really, really bad sex…..Sex so horrible it makes you want to retire your genitals permanently? Like my best friend told me about this guy she had sex with who would…..ah hell, this is gonna be a long one, it requires its own page….

Cheers people. *Polite fist-bump*

Why do men cheat?

Why do men cheat? That is the million dollar question that women (and some men ☺) have asked over decades, centuries even… I have heard all manner of reasons as to why men are unfaithful. A few include:

1. All men are cheats/dogs

2. It is in their DNA, they are biologically predisposed to cheating…

3. A man is basically as faithful as his options

4. It’s a grass thing….it’s always greener on the other side.

Women always ask “Why do men cheat?”

I am not gonna presume to know what is in men’s minds when they cheat. What is considered cheating anyway? I guess the definition of cheating can be a little different depending upon your own personal beliefs. Some people use the word cheating in different situations like when their spouse or partner looks at another person, when there is kissing involved, when emotions are involved or sexual contact, no matter what level… Sigh. The definitions are many and they are varied.

Being a single, twenty something year old lady, I have had my fair share of married men hitting on me. Some I really liked, some I was simply grossed out by. Some came right out and disclosed they’re married, others hid it and I found out by myself. My contact with these guys has simply killed my faith in the institution of marriage by the way. Some of them even had beautiful wives (and you know how difficult it is for a woman to acknowledge that another woman is beautiful! Lol!), strong career wives, women with their high-profile jobs, yellow-yellow (come on, y’all know that yellow women are considered to be prettier than us, more chocolate lasses!), beautiful children…..the works! What are some of the best excuses I have heard for why they were stepping out? Let me share.

1. I do not know how I ended up married: Oh, this is a common one. Apparently we women sometimes rush the men to the altars without their knowledge or full consent. Hahaha. Damn. One guy said “You women sometimes can decide to rush a guy! You make plans and you decide what you want for the guy and BAM, before we know it, we’re married!’ He said he honestly had NO idea how he ended up married. It’s like he woke up one day and found himself at the altar. His words, not mine. One year down the line, a dude is still trying to come to term with the fact that he is married! *Yes, I’m shaking my head still*

Is there a cheating gene?

2. Resentment:……She ruined MY plans for MY future. One of my really good friends said he resents his wife because she basically made him put him plans aside in order to get married. He had plans to leave the country, get a Master’s degree in some thing or the other when, BAM! she got pregnant. His family would not let him not fulfill his obligations so he basically cast the plans he had aside, got married and settled down to raising the kids. Side note, gentlemen, lemme tell you the truth that no woman is ever, EVER gonna admit to (and I’ll probably get lynched for letting out the secret) NO woman is EVER gonna become pregnant if she does not want to. EVER! Hakuna stories of it was an accident. It wasn’t. I forgot to take my pills. She didn’t. We got carried away. NO you didn’t. Please, with the million and one excuses that we have perfected to avoid having sex, you think a woman’s gonna get carried away so much she forgets to be safe? *And here I snort in a rather unladylike fashion* She didn’t know her safe days. That is why there is the emergency pill and if it’s really bad, there’s abortions. (And before y’all pro-life guys skin me alive go HAM at me for suggesting abortion, I’d like to clarify that my including it here does not in any way mean that I support it. I am just stating the facts. My girlfriend became once got pregnant, she had an abortion and the boyfriend, now husband, never knew. Still doesn’t. That is the point I’m trying to put across) Bottom-line, Fellas, if she got pregnant, and is keeping the baby, she wanted it. Don’t be fooled. On a related topic, why do we women do that??? Get pregnant with the hopes of trapping some man into marriage? *Another derisive snort* It wont work, you’ll never know if he really married you for the baby or for yourself… In the case of my friend, he had to give up his admission to a prestigious university abroad and get married. Funny thing is, he had long made up his mind to marry her. He just resents the fact that she fast-tracked the whole situation and the fact that he gave up his dreams. And you know resentment doesn’t go away… it just grows and grows and grows like some festering, deep, septic wound… Ladies, give the man some time to make up his mind. Don’t KO him and drag him to the altar….

3. She’s a Ball Buster/Nag: Apparently nothing will drive a married man into the arms of another woman faster than a nagging wife. I’ll give an example… My other pal complained the other day about the wife’s behavior during the Safaricom 7s. I may be wrong, but women too can love sports. That is a good thing, right? We have something to bond over, no? The issue is when she obviously does not love an activity that he likes, in this case rugby, yet she insists on tagging along for whatever activity, then gets bored and starts bitching while the guy is actually having a good time!! He was so mad! Apparently the lady nagged the whole damn time until they had to leave and go have some nyama choma somewhere (Which ordinarily, he’d love but in this case hated because it meant he had to leave the 7s stadium) This happened on Saturday, it was Tuesday and he was still mad! Ladies, ladies, ladies….sigh. If you know you do not like the same activities, let it be. Let him go out and enjoy himself. Either learn to like whatever it is, or learn to give him some time to enjoy what he likes. That way, he come home happy, you bang his brains out, can somebody say win-win? Give him space ladies… do not be that nag who even his friends or work-mates doesn’t want to hang out with… remember that story where we’re told the tighter you hold onto something, the more you suffocate it? The tighter you hold onto a fistful of sand, the more the sand runs out through your fingers? Yeah, let him have something all to himself…

4. She let herself go: Personally I think this is a bullshit reason. I’m not gonna be, or look twenty forever. I personally think that if you let yourself go, don’t expect me to look like Adriana Lima (that woman can so gerrit and keep it by the way). If you look like a 6 month pregnant lady, then I think it’s only fair that I develop some thunder thighs to go with that. You expect me to look good, move your ass too and let’s both be in shape….otherwise shut your trap be quiet and deal with my thighs and the cellulite and the smelly stocking on my head. Nkt. Of course this doesn’t explain the scenario of a man with a really hot wife cheating with a woman who looks like my beat shoe…. Cue Tiger Woods who is a perfect example of a man whose wife is way, waaaay hotter than those tramps he was screwing around with…

why-do-men-cheat

On average, men want more sex than women…

5. Sex: Yes, the big one. SEX. Women tend to lose interest in sex once they get married! I heard this chic say “I’m only getting married so I don’t ever have to have sex unless I want to!” Goddamn! Sorry, I’ve just gotta take a minute and laugh again at that statement. Still, let’s face it. Men want more sex than women. (Mostly. There’s some freaky women out there to!) Of course when their partner is tired from wrangling kids all day or unwilling to try new things, even the most loyal hubbies get bored and go looking for that nookie… The other scenario is the woman using the sex as a bargaining chip. Eti, wacha i deny him to teach him a lesson and other mis-guided shit thoughts. Truth is ladies, if you aren’t sleeping with him, you better believe that wicker is being dipped somewhere else… Letting your man go months and months without sex and you expect he won’t stray? Bitch Lady, is you crazy? A human being can only hold out so far…. I heard a real woman does not leave her man leave the house hungry or horny. If you do, ole wako. Even the most straightest, saintly of men can fall into temptation… (Reminds me of a joke. This guy walks into a room to find his girl and friend going at it like rabbits. Of course he goes like ‘What’s going on here?’ And she’s like, ‘Oh, it’s not what it looks like. It was an accident!’ and he replies, ‘What? You tripped and he fell?’ LQTM.) Ride that joystick women. Or someone else is gonna do it for you. And not all women out there are moral enough to refuse to sleep with a married man….
There are loads and loads of other reasons why men cheat, like the thrill of the chase, lack of communication, oh she doesn’t ‘get me anymore’, it’s in the biology, looking for variety or simply cheating because you can… Whatever I’ve written is by no means exhaustive….Whatever the reason is, it still remains a personal choice. I am in no way suggesting men should cheat on women. I’m being realistic here, these are the reasons guys cheat. All I’d implore you is please be safe. HIV (and other nastier crap) is out there. While in a relationship, both parties need to recognize that it’s a partnership that requires communication, compromises, and flexibility. Women, don’t be the reason your man strays. Men do not enter a relationship with the intention of cheating, something causes it. If you are the cause, correct it before it’s too late. Men, don’t be a slime ball, talk to your wife and you’d be surprised how much change the communication and honesty makes. And keep your pants zipped!

But then again, What do I know? I’m a twenty-something year old woman with a good job, not lacking much yet I’m still single and haven’t been laid in over a year. Life is a bitch, aye? ☺

Whatever the reason for cheating, it always leads to heartbreak and mistrust.

P.S:

Oh yeah. Men? Women cheat too. ☺

Depression is Real…

Everyone feels sad or “blue” on occasion. It is also perfectly normal to grieve over upsetting life experiences, such as a major illness, a death in the family, a loss of a job, or a divorce. But, for most people, the feelings of grief and sadness tend to lessen with the passing of time…. However, there are people for whom, the feelings tend to last for much longer and occasionally can occur without anything having triggered them off.

Clinical depression is not a sign of personal weakness, or a condition that can be willed away…

What is depression? According to the medical fraternity:

Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods. True Clinical Depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer. Clinical depression is a serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Individuals with clinical depression are unable to function as they used to.

According to the World Health Organization depression is the fourth most disabling condition in the world, and it’s expected to rise to second (behind heart disease) by 2020.

Depression is an illness just like any other other illness. Just like Diabetes and Hypertension are illnesses… Often the depressed person has no idea what is wrong with them. They know they’re sad, and that things aren’t as they’re supposed to be but sometimes they cannot even place a finger on exactly what caused the sad feelings. This can be quite distressing. I suffer from depression. Clinical depression is very unique. It involves a noticeable change in functioning that can persists for weeks. Imagine that for the last three months you’ve slept more than 10 hours a day and still feel tired, you have stomach problems like constant pain or constant diarrhea or constipation, you’re unable to cope with life, and you start wondering if dying would solve all your problems. Or, imagine not being able to sleep more than four hours a night, not wanting to spend time with family or friends, and constantly feeling irritable, being ready to bite people’s heads off for no reason whatsoever. And when friends try to reach out to you, you get even more upset and bothered. You lose perspective, and you don’t realize that what you’re experiencing is abnormal. You want to just “wait it out,” and you don’t get help because you think it’s weak to ask for help or you don’t want to burden your friends.

That is exactly what happens to someone who is suffering from depression…. And the sad thing is, most people will not even know they’re depressed. And at times, they’ll figure out they’re depressed but will be unable to seek help. I’m a simple person. I believe in cause and effect. I believe if A happens then B will happen. Therefore if I fail an exam, I get depressed or sad, if lose a job or a friends, i get sad….you catch my drift, no? Therefore being depressed caught me totally off-guard. for the longest time I didn’t know what was wrong with me. How could I be so happy and up-beat one moment then down in the dumps the next? And why was in the dumps anyway? Why couldn’t I just seem to brush it off and continue with my life? Then later, the shame set in… if I was depressed, of course there must be something wrong with me. I must be weak. I must be a very useless person. I remember days i would want to cut myself up with anything, a blade, a knife, a pair of scissors. Anything just so i could feel pain. It’s very distressing when you’re feeling pain but are unable to find what is causing you the pain. Many of the people who cut themselves are driven by this compulsion to feel physical pain. If I cut my thigh and it bleeds, that right there is physical pain. Pain that I can see the source of and therefore i can deal with… I felt so helpless. and all this while, I was struggling with hiding it from my friends and family. I did research and the best I could come up with is;

What Causes Depression?
You may feel you know exactly why you’re depressed. Other times, however, the reasons for depression are not as clear. The causes of depression are quite complex. Very often it is a combination of genetic, psychological, and environmental factors.

Biological factors: You may have heard about chemical imbalances in the brain that occur in depression, suggesting that depression is a medical illness. Depression does seem to have a biological component. Research suggests that depression may be linked to changes in the functioning of brain chemicals called neurotransmitters. Current research focuses on the serotonin, nor-epinephrine and dopamine systems. The usefulness of antidepressant medications suggests that brain chemistry is involved in depression. However, it is also possible that biological changes happen as a result of being depressed.

Some kinds of depression seem to run in families, suggesting a biological vulnerability. This seems to be the case with bipolar depression and, to a lesser extent, severe major depression. However, having a biological vulnerability does not mean you are destined to become depressed. Not everyone in a family develops depression, suggesting that other factors are involved. In addition, depression can occur in individuals who have no family history of depression.

Unlike normal stress and sadness, symptoms of clinical depression persist and do not go away no matter how much the individual wants.

Aha!! What chances do I have against this thing if the cause of this whole problemis my own brain??? Apparently the ‘feel-good’hormones mentioned above are deficient in my brain. I think I may have laughed at myself like a crazy person at this point. Damn! I am very lucky in that, because of my profession, I was able to identify what the problem was, and though I have never actually seeked help from my friends or family (there’s still that shame I feel. Like admitting I have a depression problem would make me less of a person in their eyes), I at least know what is wrong with me. That is the starting point. I know what is wrong. But what about those people out there who are still bewildered by what they are feeling? Or who do not know what they’re feeling? Or how to handle it? Or where to seek help? Or do know what is wrong but are reluctant to come out and say it? Left untreated, depression can lead to serious impairment in daily functioning and even suicide. In my extended family, there’s been three suicides. Adults, seemingly well-adjusted and then one day, gone. No explanation. That, more than anything is what has pushed me into sharing this. I’m a very intensely personal person and the thought that someone will be able to know my troubles literally makes me cringe and my skin crawl. Still, I’d like people to know that Clinical depression is not a sign of personal weakness, or a condition that can be willed away. One cannot simply will it away, or wait it out… Clinically depressed people cannot “pull themselves together” and get better. If anything, it often interferes with a person’s ability or wish to get help. Do not ridicule someone suffering from depression. It is an illness. It can be treated.

Anyone can develop depression, even kids.

Some of us hide it very well but how can you help? What are the symptoms you can look out for in your loved ones, or even yourself that can help you help them get help?

Common Symptoms of Clinical Depression:
There are different forms of clinical depression with different combinations of the following symptoms:

1. Physical:

  • Sleep disturbances-insomnia, oversleeping, waking much earlier than usual
  • Changes in appetite or eating: much more or much less
  • Decreased energy, fatigue
  • Headaches, stomachaches, digestive problems or other physical symptoms that are not explained by other physical conditions or do not respond to treatment

2. Behavioral/Attitude:

  • Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed, such as going out with friends, hobbies, sports, sex, etc.
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
  • Neglecting responsibilities or personal appearance

3. Emotional:

  • Persistent sad or “empty” mood, lasting two or more weeks
  • Crying “for no reason”
  • Feeling hopeless, helpless, guilty or worthless
  • Feeling irritable, agitated or anxious
  • Thoughts of death or suicide

Depression is real, depression is treatable, depression is not a weakness, depression doesn’t necessarily have to mean the end of your life. If you know someone suffering from depression, I repeat, please do not ridicule them. Half of us are just as bewildered and most often feel very helpless. I may not have come out all strong and plastered my name and other details in the name of trying to help but for an intensely private person, I feel like I’m walking around town in my drawers because of this post…. I’m hoping some good comes out of it.