I need a Therapist.

It’s been more than two years since I last posted any article on this blog. It has been a long two (plus) years. I have had high highs and I have had very low lows in the time. I forgot about this project of mine mostly because when I was at my highs I was busy enjoying life and did not have time to sit down and hammer away at a keyboard, who has time for that? there’s life to enjoy! And at the lows, who has the energy to hammer away at a keyboard? who has the energy to do anything other than to get up, shower and (begrudgingly) drag themselves to work where really you show up because there’s no other option because there’s that pesky little thing called rent, and a car note if you have one and the inconvenience that is a stomach which needs constant feeding and saving for a rainy day if you’re the kind of person that actually believes you’ll live to actually be caught in that rainy day… See, I’m kinda fifty-fifty on that whole saving for a rainy day hoopla. I strongly believe in the deepest, darkest part of my heart (for reasons I might share one day) that I am probably never going to survive beyond my forties. If I am lucky. I don’t tell my family this. I told one of my friends and she looked at me liked I had grown a combined horn and third eye on my forehead and since then I have not dared mention it to anyone else. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I believe in enjoying what money I have worked for. I work hard. I do save my money. I just don’t also necessarily deny myself a certain pleasure all in the name of rabidly saving my money. I don’t see myself ever getting married. I don’t want children. So who is this that I am so earnestly saving this money for? This money that I have worked for right now?

Anyway, I digress. I’m a very chilled out person generally, quiet, mind-my-own-business type of person. Introverted, even. I can seem very standoffish or snobbish but that’s really because I feel extremely awkward around strangers and have a bit of social anxiety especially around groups of people I do not know. Unfortunately I also tend to not talk about my troubles to anyone. I have this thing where I dislike telling anyone, not friends, not family, of my pains or my struggles because I absolutely loathe that look of pity in a person’s eye. I loathe it. I feel like they’re looking at me and judging me for being a weak person. Generally I work through whatever issue I have at the time and mention it loosely or in a light manner at a later date. Like, oh yeah, this and this happened but meh, it’s over, it’s sorted, we’re good, moving on. If at all I mention it… Now before you mention it, yes, these are my friends, or family, they’re probably not judging me. They probably are thinking of a way to help me. I know that. Somewhere deep deep down. A shrink, if I ever gathered enough courage to go see one, might ask me why I think they think I am weak. Yes, I have issues. Hell, my issues have baby issues that’re already pregnant with grand-baby issues. You don’t have to tell me.  I know. I know. Sigh. *Bows head*

This is not good. (Duh.) It’s even more not good for someone who struggles with depression like I do. Excuse my extreme butchering of the language. I feel like I have slowly withdrawn from the world. I have regressed. I have lost friends. I have become a shadow of my former self. I have lost the ability to make social contact with people. My social inadequacies have become even more magnified. My sister worries about me I think. I notice of late she really tries to involve me in a lot of her plans but I decline almost as much as she asks. I hide in my bedroom a lot. I feel bad for her sometimes. She tries so hard. I realized just this past week that I’ve developed a lot of self-destructive behavior that I have to shed if I am to grow up, if I am to move forward from this place that I am stuck in, If I am to become something more than just a shell of my former beautiful self. (Ok, I’m lying. I think at my very best I could pass for cute. Maybe very cute. Beautiful is really overselling myself… XD ) And that is how I have come to the realization that I need a therapist.

But I am a stubborn bitch. And instead of getting a real flesh and blood therapist, I am reviving my Old Faithful. This was once my faithful therapist. Silent and always listened. Never talked back. And I could rant and rave all I wanted, or have a thoughtful word and always leave unburdened and at peace. I have even renamed the blog to Running on Empty. Because that’s how I feel nowadays. I have been running and running and running on empty, running from demons I cannot see, demons I fear might catch up with me one day soon and I need to slow down and catch a breath before it’s too late. So here’s to my first therapy session…and hopefully to many, many more to come.



Today, May 20th 2014. Total I have felt like crap. I have felt dismissed, like I am some nagging two year old busybody trying to catch you attention when you have more interesting things to do. Today I have felt like shit. Today I have felt like I have been treated like a piece of crap, an inconsequential price of crap. Today I have cried and cried and cried and still I can’t seem to stop crying. Today I have decided that family ain’t all it’s made out to be. Today I have hated myself, felt pity for myself, ridiculed myself because I apparently do not seem to have my life as together as I thought I would at this age. Today I have felt like that dog that came to beg for a bone and instead was kicked away painfully. Today I have come to a decision. Today I am writing this down so that it may serve as an eternal reminder of how it feels to be at the bottom of the barrel… Today I hope that I shall never again feel like this again. I shall never let someone make me feel like this again no matter who they are. Today I have decided to get up and dust myself off and take a step forward. Today I know that I shall fall down again and again and I have prayed to myself that I should never again fall this low. Today I fought the demons inside of me telling me to tuck my tail between my legs, lay down and just die and just for one more day, I have won. Today I write this so that should I ever fall this low, I shall read it and remind myself I have enough strength to get up one more time. Today I am talking to future me and I am saying ‘You are strong.’ Today I am forgetting about everything and dealing with just today. Tomorrow shall take care of myself.

It’s time.

It has been a long, long time since I last put up a post. Work has actually been rather busy the last couple of months. The last months and the first couple of months of the year are usually busy at my work place. Plus, I came down with a serious case of writer’s block. Though in all honesty, calling me a writer is kinda an insult to writers. I’m not dedicated enough or qualified enough to term myself as writer. This is more of a stress-release mechanism. Anyway, so I came down with an intense case of ‘I am feeling so much but I’m unable to put it down properly in a coherent fashion that anyone would understand’ and I started at least four posts but they’re just lying about collecting dust  somewhere in my drafts folder. This was until one of my best friends told me to just write about everything and anything and nothing in particular. The trick, according to this wonderful lady, is to not set out to write with a particular topic. Just start writing and along the way you’ll find what you wanted to talk about. This is one very wise girl.

Anyway, the year has started out busy but alright. We were well into January before I realized I didn’t have any New Year resolutions. This is a routine I have perfected over the years… make several New Year’s resolutions then set out to ignore them as much as possible while telling myself that I would start working on the resolutions the very next day and before I know it, hey! It’s Christmas. Another year is gone and buried and not a single resolution accomplished. So I guess this time I made a resolution not to make any new year resolution. I’m gonna improvise a lot this year, see if there’ll be any difference in the how the year turns out. Who knows/ Maybe I’ll actually be able to achieve at least one of my previous resolutions.

Anyway, I’ve been feeling strangely weary of late. I cannot muster enough energy to feel any emotions or any feelings. If anyone asked me right now if I;m happy, I honestly cannot answer that truthfully. I am okay. I am not sad, but that’s just because I cannot seem to bother feeling sad or upset or angry about anything. Somewhere deep inside me, I made a decision to function and, more importantly, to survive day-to-day while expending the minimal energy required. I feel like I have been beaten and beaten and beaten down until I think I have lost the will to fight for a lot of things. A lot of it is family stuff. Family is supposed the one place you can go when you have beaten by the world. I am not sure this is true for me. Is it possible to love your family yet resent the hell out of them? I’m talking resentment that is just bordering on hate. I feel like my family has turned me into a loner. I used to be a happy-go-lucky, carefree kinda girl, sometimes even termed as ‘crazy’ by a some people. I loved passionately, I played hard, enjoyed life as much as possible. Now, I am just fully of indifference and resentment and I wouldn’t care one bit if I didn’t speak to anyone for a whole week. In fact, I’m not going to lie, I would actually prefer it that way. I do not come from a regular family. My family is the epitome of dysfunctional. I feel like I raised myself and for the most part, that is actually true. I raised myself and then I went on to raise my siblings. In fact, I am still raising some of them. Everything I have in my life I have worked hard for. I put myself through university for the most part and hustled afterwards to get the job I have currently. So you see, I have been a loner for a large part of my life. My family has become somewhat less dysfunctional in the recent past and my siblings have been pushing the ‘We’re family therefore we should stand by each other at all times’ agenda for a while. And intellectually, this makes sense to me. It does. Of course we are family; we hold hands and sing kumbaya and drink until we drop. Emotionally, though, it means squat. Literally. Because I have learnt the ‘We-are-family’ story is bullshit in my family. Disrespect, disregard, resentment, abuse is a lot of what I have gotten from my family. How can you tell me that we are family and we ought to love each other and be there for each other when every time I have ever asked for help from you all I was met with was stone-cold silence or casual disregard and worse still, a whole lot of insults? That does not make sense to me. So if there is one lesson I have learnt this year, it’s that no one is coming to save me. No one is going to come and pick me up. It’s only the second month of the year but I already feel like I have been to rock bottom. I’ve been so depressed that for a second there I almost gave in to the urge to end my life. It would be oh so easy for me to do it. I have almost unfettered access to the things that would make it quick and painless… And then I realized, what is so different now about my life? I have always been alone. I have always had to work for anything I ever wanted. I have never felt loved for a large part of my life. I have never felt appreciated. The abuse and the insults? Nothing new. I am not even sure I would recognize love if it sat squarely on my face. I am broken…or something inside me never quite worked right.I feel empty. But one thing I have learnt in this last week, no one is going to come and save me. No one is going to come and fix whatever is broken in me. No one is ever going to come along and fill up whatever is empty inside me. Not even family. So I put the pills and the blades away and I toughened my upper lip and straightened my spine. I am done waiting. I got up and started doing something about it and you know what, and this is so cliché, I am going to be alright. Because it is about time I became alright.

50 People On ‘The Most WTF Thing Someone Did While Hooking Up’

Aaaand this has made my evening… 🙂

Thought Catalog

Compiled from AskReddit.



Moments after I finished losing my virginity the girl said “Do you have any questions?”



I had a girl put the used condom in her “memory box.”



Had sex, the guy left money. I am not a prostitute.



Had a girl say “I assume everything down there was to your liking?”

I didn’t even know how to respond so I asked for a high-five.



One night I went out to a dance club with my friends and got incredibly drunk. Throughout the night I was putting the change leftover from buying drinks into my bra because I didn’t have a purse. I ended up going to my boyfriends place afterwards (who hadn’t been out with us) and being the terrible drunk I am I conned him into having sex. We were…

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Forever the other woman?

I have been in a funky mood for the most part of this week. I still am, actually. I am not exactly sure why but, well, I’m waiting it out. These weird moods come and go. Maybe it is because I have been on my period, oh, that is soooo cliche. So pedestrian. Lol. Or maybe it’s a mini depressive episode… Oh well, as I said, if I wait it out long enough, it always passes. I just dig in and hold on and it passes. 🙂 Though it could be why I have been so uninspired to make a blog post for a while now. I try to do a post regularly but the truth is, sometimes inspiration totally lacks.

Anyway, these last couple of days have been weird in other ways too. So this guy I used to see a while back. I have written about him before, if you follow my posts. Recently married guy, no kids, asking me to be his back-up, remember him? Yes, him. First, y’all need to answer a question. Does a guy (or a chic) qualify as an EX if y’all never got down to doing the nasty? You know, bumping uglies nshit…. 😉 Of course there was emotional involvement but that evaporated rather fast once I heard the guy’s proposal. Though, truth be told, it may not have really been emotions… Rather, a lust-filled, hormone-induced haze confused for emotions. And love. The genitals and hormones are preeeetty good at getting a person confused about lust and real emotions! Especially when you have been on a dry spell as long as mine… For real, I’ve been on a dry spell so long, I’m no longer sure how long it is. I stopped counting at some point. It was counter-productive. Lol. I was just thinking the other day that the only thing rivaling the dry spell is the size of my thighs. Followed very closely by my ass. These things are massive! You think I call myself Thunderthighs because it’s an awesome name? Ok, fine, so I think it is a cool name. Still doesn’t change the fact that my thighs are huuuge. Hehehehe. Oooooh, I smiled! I just made myself smile. This day might turn out well after all…

Anyway, excuse my rambling. I’m a loner by nature. I find very disturbing ways to self-entertain. 😀 So, back to this guy. Let’s call him George. I weighed the pros and cons of dating George and I decided it would be much safer for my heart for me not to date him. (and honestly, for my face too. I’ve heard one too many stories about how a woman’s face was disfigured my hot water or car battery acid by a jealous significant other once she was found out!) So I sat George down and I explained to him that the best we could ever be is friends. And he tried to change my mind but didn’t succeed. I tell you, this was a tough decision. He is an Adonis of a man!! *Wipes drool* Tall, dark, lean, killer smile, DIMPLES! and oh Lawd, Jesus Christ, Jehovah (Please forgive me for using this name in vain), those thighs!! Dhem Dhighs! Sigh. Even my girl friend got a tad confused by them sinewy thighs… My girl was supposed to be my objective, impartial adviser and here, instead, she ends up advising me to date the fella. Because of his thighs. The licking I woulda unleashed on to those thighs…. *Shaking head* Fast forward a couple of months down the line, George has started calling me again. He recently got a new job. Something he considers more prestigious than his old jobs. Collectively. Because he’s gone through a couple of jobs in the time that I have known him. And I think he kinda just wants to rub it in my face. I think his ego might have not accepted yet the fact that there IS a girl who can turn him down. (The whole glorious self that is him. A gift from the good Lord Himself to women. sigh.) Either that, or he thinks now that he’s earning more, I’ll change my mind and sleep with him. He couldn’t be further from the truth… Nothing dries up my vagina faster than a man flaunting his cash at me, thinking that he can have me because that he has so much money. Studies done show that the leading cause of vaginal dryness is pricks who flaunt their money. That, man purses and men in skinny jeans. Seriously though, you men who wear skinny jeans, where do you tuck your balls?? Are you not interested in siring babies? Because that tightness and the heat generated is guaranteed to cook your sperms nice and proper… Or do you not have any balls? Hhhhmmm… that’s a possibility. So anyway, George is trying very hard to get me to date him. Of course he doesn’t get that my genitals are attached to my brain therefore if my mind is made up, my genitals have to, no matter how reluctantly, put away those pompoms and batons they had gotten out to cheer him on… I just cannot deal with that sort of drama. I won’t.

Anyway, dealing with George has gotten me thinking a lot. (Yes. Thinking. Wipe that smirk off your face. Sometimes, very occasionally, it IS a good thing when a woman sits down and thinks!). And thinking has got me to notice a disturbing trend in my life. I seem to have a rather unhealthy number of taken men in my life wanting one thing or the other from me. I have only ever been in two relationships in my entire life. The first one was puppy love. We were together for ages… almost 5 years actually. And to this day, I am not entirely sure why we broke up. We just sort of drifted apart and then one day I heard that he got married! We still talk, of course, and up to today he still tells me I’ll always be the one and he’ll always want to bang me. But he’s married with a child. And he’s not planning in leaving his wife any time soon. That math does not make sense to me. Anyway, the second relationship was a disaster. It started out so well. This was after I’d been single for quite a while. So I was ready to give it my all. And I did. And it ended so abruptly, I think I still have whiplash… The ninja didn’t even have common decency to break up with me properly. He did it via text. With some lame-ass excuse about distance nshit. I think that might have damaged me more than I care to admit. And since then I have never been in another relationship ever again. That was 6 years ago. A fling here and there, yes. Relationship, no. I am cynical and skeptical and sometimes I am sure I am going to be forever alone. Half of it is because a very large number of the men who hit on me are taken. Either married or they have steady girlfriends. A few I have even liked back. Liked enough to contemplate trying a thing or two with them. I didn’t notice this until recently, and it got me asking myself, am I doomed to forever be ‘The other woman’? Do I give out some sort of ‘other woman’ vibes, scent or pheromones? Or do I look desperate? In as much as I sometimes think that I’ll probably be forever alone, I do, once in every blue moon, envision what it would be like to be in a happy, stable, MONOGAMOUS relationship. Seriously, in the last 6 months only, it’s like there’s been an epidemic of sorts. I met this one guy and he’s really cool. He’s not married but has a girlfriend. That automatically relegated him to the friend-zone. We get to hang out a lot and we like each other a lot. He thinks I’m cool, I think he’s cool, life is cool, yaaaay! we’re all cool. Sigh. After a while, he starts sending me IMs. And he’s all like, I really like you, you’re cool and awesome and sweet and sexy and I wanna do you so bad bla bla bla, you catch the drift. Long story short, he wants to have his way with me but at the same time, has told me to please go out there and get myself a man. Because he is taken. He has absolutely NO problem sharing me with another man. Which, incidentally, is what George told me. He’s all like ‘Baby, I know I’m married and therefore will not always be there for you when you need it. So I have no problem with you getting yourself another man who will be there for you when I am not available.’ O______o I was like, ‘WHAT???????’ Why would you be willing to share me with someone if indeed you love me as you claim??? I do not know much about love but I do know I would not be willing to share my one love with another woman! This is just plain greed. And lust. And gluttony all rolled into one. And I seem to be caught up in the web. I am not the conventional hot chic that most men seem to gravitate towards to nowadays. Tall, light-skinned, skinny. I’m short, 5 foot, 4 inches short, chocolate-brown and decidedly un-skinny! Biig boobs, big ass. Hahahaha. Yeah, definitely far from conventional. So, I meet these guys who DO have the conventional chic for wives/girlfriends and apparently that seems not to be enough to keep them from straying. What is it really? What? You get together with the conventional woman to show off like a trophy, satisfy your pride and your friends and your family so that no one makes fun of you then poke around in the bush looking for the exact opposite? Hide them so that you can satisfy your inner cravings while maintaining the facade… I don’t know, but whatever it is, it’s got me skeptical enough that I am not sure I want to get married. I was just thinking the other day about my life and trying to just get centered and headed in the some sane direction and it suddenly occurred to me that the chances of me being alone for the rest of my life are quite high. And I have basically started to prepare myself for that possibility. Get myself financially stable and get a few investments going here and there, you know the deal…, find new hobbies, things to get pleasure from and to pass time. And as I thought and made my plans, it occurred to me that I was planning for a bleak future. The funny thing is, I am absolutely okay with that! I am absolutely fine with such a future because, honestly, the thought of forever being ‘The Other Woman’ or having my heart broken scares me far much worse than the thought of a future in what is fast being known as #TeamForeverAlone. How’s THAT for irony?

Single and Happy???


…..is it possible?

I didn’t think I would be doing another post this soon…yes, yes, yes, I know I promised y’all a couple of stories but a girl can only do so much! Well, the truth is, work has not been so bad this week. Very few clients. Which, honestly, I’m not complaining about! 🙂 I like having a reprieve in the middle of the work day to take a nap or catch up with my reading or something. Maybe listen to my favorite music. I have been neglecting my playlists of late… Not cool. Also, the boss has been away so I’ve kinda been the Acting Boss and probably will be for the next couple of weeks… Maaaaan, I love being the boss!! I can just sit at my machine and churn out a post and I look like I’m doing some serious work! Plus, oh, what a joy delegation is!! The person who invented delegation should be crowned king of the world. Must’ve been on cleverly lazy bastard…. I wanna be a boss forever and ever. (As long as there is a similar reflection in my pay slip, of course.)

Anyway, I was talking to a friend recently and I found out she has a new boyfriend. We’ve been single for a while now, me and her. Of course I was ecstatic for her. She’s the sort of person who is uncomfortable with the whole being single thing. So I congratulate her and I’m all happy for her and she tells me “Just hang in there love, you’ll get one too….” O____o Now, if you have read any of my other posts, you know that I’m a single, twenty-something year old working girl and truthfully, I have been single for a very long time… Longer than I even care to admit to some people because some of them tend to give you the stinky eye like ‘Is something wrong with you? Why have you been single for that long???’ Sigh. My issues with relationships are many and varied…. the most obvious being the usual ‘Once bitten, twice shy’ shtick. Oh, that alone would make up a blog by itself. I probably will talk about them one day. Or not. Maybe. I don’t know… 🙂 My issue right now is these people who think a woman cannot be single and happy. Yes, a woman. Y’all know a woman is judged more harshly than a man…. A man under the same circumstances would be considered a baller. A player. A lucky bastard.. He’d get pats on his back and women would continously throw their knickers at him. He’d be the envy of his friends… It’s almost like it’s a misnomer…. Single and happy??? The two of them apparently cancel each other out. Why does a girl being single cancel out all her other accomplishments? Why is being a single woman a taboo? My friend went on ahead to tell me, ‘Aki usijali, utapata tu…’ (Loosely translated to mean “Don’t worry, you’ll find one eventually”!!! (I shot her several times, and in slow-motion too, in my head, just so you know. And I’m not even ashamed to admit it out loud)

If you were to ask me about myself, I’d say I am a (mostly) confident woman who has a pretty good life, full of meaningful work, a good support network of wonderful friends, and a loving family. My career is going well, I got a promotion, I’m making good money…… basically, I like where I am right now and I wouldn’t really want to change much in my life… OK, so I could stand to lose a few pounds…. Of course, so yeah, I would probably rub that magic lamp hard to change that. But since things don’t work that way, I’m eating much healthier nowadays and hitting the gym in between and I’m fairly certain that I will shed those stupid pounds, if I am patient enough. And patient I am… See, I grew up in a large family….almost the size of a football team really, so patience was not a virtue rather, pretty much a necessity. Unlike my mum who doesn’t seem to understand that the damn weight does not melt away overnight! She’s on my case like a thong up a big ass! MY big ass. :-/ I understand her concern, I really do, I just wish she could go about it in a less obnoxious way. I get weary sometimes just thinking about it. Bah!

So, to sum it up, I am a single woman approaching her thirty’s with no kids. I am just going to pause for a second to let that sink in, and to let you think about the images and feelings that spring to mind when you hear that phrase. I bet a number of you think I am either:

  • Standing in a crotch-grazing leopard-print dress, in high heels (they HAVE to be high heels. I always wear high heels.) at a bar yelling extremely loudly, with a slightly-to-very-crazy look in my eyes, “I LOVE being single! I never want a relationship! Relationships are for the weak! Look at HOW MUCH FUN I AM HAVING!!” OR
  • Sitting in my pajamas, inhaling a tub of ice cream while watching When Harry Met Sally and sobbing about how lonely and empty my life is. (Ok, so I do eat ice cream on occasion. Chocolate too, though not much of late…but I categorically deny ever watching that movie and I never sob while eating ice cream. We all know there’s love to be found at the bottom of the tub, right? Right? Come ooooon…right?)

You couldn’t be further from the truth if that is the imagery you had. Most of the time, I am perfectly happy with the way things are. I love my work (on most days when my good ‘ol boss is not being an ass a beast of burden) and I love my family. I like taking care of my nieces and nephews and quite frankly, it works out very well for me. I get to have the healing company of children and best of all, I get to return them to their owners at the end of the day… That is a win-win situation right there, if you ask me! But nobody is asking me, I guess. Sigh. Sadly, society seems too intent upon reminding me that my life is not complete until I make a walk down the aisle and/or/then have babies. One of the hardest thing nowadays about being single at this age is not actually being single, it is having to put up with the constant bombardment of comments and pressure to “find someone” and “be happy” (with the inference that if you are single, you must be very miserable). And what’s worse is, most of these comments come from women themselves! Like if you are married and have children, it suddenly makes you exponentially superior to my single self! It’s almost like being single is analogous to some sort of flesh-eating disease that, if unchecked, will eventually consume you in some god-awful way. Oh, and the absolute worst are the ones who think they magically have the right to tell you it’s your fault you’re single because they are partnered. Things like “You don’t put yourself out there…. You need to get out more…. You need to stop being so career-minded… You need to lower your standards a little bit…” Lady, if I put myself out there any further, I’ll fall off the damn ledge!!

So what compels people to make such hurtful or patronizing remarks to single women? Is it because they really think they’re doing us a service? Do they really believe my life is empty? Or are they trying to justify their own life choices? There’s probably more than one answer to that question, but with the divorce rate at about 50 percent, what is it about marriage that still compels people, especially women, to feel that it is the end-all-be-all of happiness and success? And why is it these partnered people have the right to comment on my single status yet I, on the other hand, am not allowed to comment on the absolutely appaling state of some of their relationships? I have a friend who’s engaged yet she (Yes, she. Pick your jaw from the floor) cheats on the hapless dude left, right and center. With exes, with younger men, with work colleagues, with the one who got away (but somehow managed to come back now that she’s engaged to be hitched), damn, just about everything in trousers! Yet I am not allowed to comment on that! Why should it be acceptable for me to be asked “Why are you still single?”, yet it isn’t okay for me to ask “Why have you settled for him? Why are you stuck with her? Were you so afraid of being alone?” What is with the double standards people? Are we so besotted by the idea of being partnered that we believe any relationship or marriage, no matter how dysfunctional, is better than being single? Also, why should the fact that I am single overshadow my accomplishments. Why should it eclipse the fact that I work hard, I have bought my own car or my own piece of land or that I’m constructing a commercial building that is likely gonna get me a good and stable income? Why should the fact that my vagina has not squeezed out any life form eclipse the fact that I am helping to educate my siblings? Why should the fact that my uterus has not housed any life be a reason for someone, anyone to pity me or worse, feel superior to me?? Do not get me wrong, I am not anti-love or anti-marriage or anti-babies. I believe in love. I believe in its power and its healing. And I absolutely adore babies… I am not saying that being single is THE BEST THING EVER!!…. No! Being single has it’s challenges. Yes, we do get sad and lonely days…and there are probably things like businesses or investments that would be so much easier done as a couple than as a single person…. There is the companionship. Someone to sit, and hold hands with, in the dark with when KPLC are misbehaving… And the sex… Oh, dear God, THE SEX!! I miss the sex… That’s probably the single biggest thing I hate about being not being in a relationship. I love sex but I am not into casual sex. Or one-night stands or friends-with-benefits type of situations. I believe that sex is an intimate thing that should be shared by two (or more, depending on how freaky y’all are! hihihi.) people in a commitment of some sort. Of course, on one of those really bad nights being driven by the dry spell, I have considered changing my mind about it…but I haven’t so far…. But I do not feel the need to rush into a relationship right now. I do not feel the need to have children right now. And, if I can be brutally honest, I am quite, very certain that I probably won’t have children. My biological clock seems to have either stopped or malfunctioned. Maybe I never had one to begin with, it was probably assigned to someone else….whatever the reason, I do not feel the need to terrorize my genitals just to prove something to anyone. I have never been a woman who dreams of the white dress or a big wedding and honestly, the idea of marriage scares the holy bejezuz out of me! I know I am not ready for that kind of commitment right now. I want to live alone for now….travel the world. Explore. Not have to explain myself or my actions to anyone. Or be responsible for anyone’s well-being. Or anyone’s feelings… I am probably not emotionally mature for it either…. One friend told me that I was being selfish for thinking that way. She said a woman’s duty (DUTY??? WTH??) is to settle down and raise a family. When I told her I didn’t think I would ever want or have children, she practically got the vapors and fainted! We had to get the find the smelling salts to revive her.

IMG_1771-500x500I find that I have learnt to thrive in, and enjoy, the alone-ness. (Not loneliness! That would just be anti-social) and I am quite content and fulfilled whether a relationship ever happens or not. Of course I would love to be in a relationship one day (once I get over my phobias) and I would love to give my all to my partner in an extraordinary way…but I am not going to let the fact that I am not in one right now dictate how I live the rest of my life…. If it happens, it happens. If not, *shrugs* I would be glad for the day when I can talk about the challenges of being a single person without being judged as miserable or bitter, or to be able to talk about and share my happiness and accomplishments without someone thinking (or saying) “Yes, but you don’t have a man.” I am not making some kind of feminist statement or something here, though it probably wouldn’t matter if I was anyway…

I would like people to please stop trying to live my life for me. Stop projecting their expectations of life on me. I do not want to have a boyfriend or a husband simply as an accessory….because it is expected of me. I want to have the right person, at the right time. And right now is not the right time for me. There may never be a right time or that right person and if that’s the case, I will deal with it then. I wish we could all remember that life isn’t a competitive sport and happiness CAN be found in many places, not just in relationships and marriages and motherhood. I can be single AND happy…. Please let me be.


I would like to bury my head in the sand and act like this piece is going to go down well with everyone. The truth is, I am likely going to be labeled as a bitter single woman who’s unable to find love and is therefore lashing out at all the not-single people. Knowing that I am anything but bitter or miserable yet will likely be labeled so makes me extremely sad but hey, opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one. And they have the right to have one too, no matter how asinine. I hope y’all have a wonderful weekend.



Love, Schmove…..

Love. What is it?

I ran into a friend of mine the other day and man, did the woman look happy. Not just happy as in smiling or facial expressions…. No. She looked HAPPY. The kind of happy that makes a person glow. And float on the air or glide around instead of walking like the rest of us. The kind of happy that is almost disgusting….(but only because YOU aren’t the happy one.) They have this look of contentment you can’t help but envy for a minute…. and boy, oh boy, did I envy her. For a minute, of course…. 😉 We get down to talking and she reveals the secret of her happiness…. She’s in LOVE! (birds chirps, skies open, angels come down and spontaneously burst into sweet melodies….) Yes, my friends says she is finally done with the dating drama and dramatic men and dramatic relationships and she’s in love. She’s settled. And content. And they’re even thinking of getting married soon. And I’m like “Wow!! Isn’t that a bit too soon? How do you even know this is love?” She looks at me with this knowing (and, might I add, slightly irritating) smile and simply says “When it’s the real thing, you’ll know.” Well, thank you for the very informative insight! I’ll just know? How? Do I even KNOW what love is? And what is ‘Real Love’ anyway? I assume this, then, means that there’s also fake love. Fake love??? That’s a misnomer right there, if you ask me….. But you’re not asking me so, yeah, whatever. I got to thinking (which, quite honestly, is not always a good thing) about some situation my friend landed herself in. She meets this guy, likes him a LOT, finds out guy is married, ditches the guy and moves on. A while later…(this guy is really clever. He let her have some time to calm down and the anger dissipate, then she starts thinking just how much she misses him and if maybe she wasn’t too rash with her decision then, BAM, a guy calls! It’s like guys have ESP or something that tell them when a chic is vulnerable and they strike at that time…. CLEVER BASTARDS...) the guy calls and is all sweet nshit and she ends up agreeing to have coffee with him. He treats her real good and she’s basically beginning to forget this guy’s not-so-single situation. Thankfully, she’s just a wee bit skeptical so later she asks him some stuff…. the conversation goes like… (Yes, I’m paraphrasing. Yes, I got her permission….. *Sticks tongue out rudely*)

She said: I worry that you might break my heart.

He said: The fact that you worry makes it even more exciting. It tells me you are very careful. Hmmmm. It makes it worth waiting.

She said: Can I ask you a difficult question and you answer me honestly.

He said: Of course you can ask…..

She said: What will you do if your wife ever finds out about me?

He said: Introduce you to her…. (Ati whaaaat? I laughed so hard at this…. Niqqa, please!)

She said: Are you for real??????  (I KNOW, RIGHT??? RIGHT??)

He said: Do you expect that coz she knows, or gets to know, I will drop you? Haiya, no way. I will introduce you two and let you cope. Unless anyone wants to bail out…..  (OK, here I just didn’t know what to say. My jaw hit the ground, my tongue rolled out, my eyes popped out of their sockets……)

She said: Is this an exclusive thing or do I get to see other guys?

He said: If I had my way in this, it would be me alone but (and I say this shingo upande) you can see other guys. Can I meet them first? Just to assess….. (I have never laughed harder in my life that I did at this point. After, of course, I recovered from my head exploding…. Gad DAMN!!)

She said: You would share me with another man??? (Ehe, jibu swali!……)

He said: No, I don’t want to but I don’t have a choice. It’s your call babe…. (I’m sorry, I could not go beyond this. I just couldn’t. I still can’t. WHAT????)

That shit right there reminded me of this guy I’d met earlier this year. Married guy, confounded me ever so slightly … It was the hormones. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I did a post on him, one of the earlier ones…this guy basically told me to my face that I’m his back-up plan. I am quite very certain that I am worth much more than just a back-up! Eish! Anyway, moving on…… My issue with this situation is, this guy is professing his undying love to my friend yet he is willing to SHARE her with another man? After he assesses him and gives approval of course…. *Right now, I’m doing that thing where I pretend my right hand is a gun, I put it to my forehead and pull the damn trigger* Damn! Is that love? What kind of love is that????? What was that about love again? It conquers all?

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I heart you….

Back when I used to be less cynical and less disillusioned, that verse used to be one of the most beautiful things I ever read. And so intriguing. What is this thing that bears all, believes all, hope all and endures all things? Beautiful. 🙂 Nowadays, I’m jaded. I’m not sure I believe that anymore. I’ve been single most of my adult life. I can think of a couple of reasons why like I’m just too scared to put myself out there…. I tried once, then twice and I got burnt so bad that I just don’t have the will to try again. Plus my work schedule is weird and I barely have any free time. Whatever free time I have, I spend working out or in my bed sleeping. Plus, it has become my comfort zone. Whenever I think about going out, meeting new people, starting with the whole ‘What are your  hobbies? likes? Dislikes? Bla…bla…blabberty bla.” I get so exhausted. I like how things are now. I get to do what I want, when I want. I do not have to consider someone else’s plans, or feelings or whatever….. pretty selfish, I know. But it works for me for now. But mostly, it’s because I do not really trust in love. Or even believe it exists. I’m not even sure I could recognize love if it rubbed it’s crotch in my face (that’s about as in-your-face as it can get, no?) I was trolling the internet the other day and I came across a blog where this lady write’s letters to her lover’s wife. She’s married, he’s married but she’s been seeing this guy fro over four years now. And the guy is nowhere near leaving his wife for her. and she doesn’t want to leave her husband if the guy is not gonna leave his wife first! So she sees him when she can and she writes letters to the wife and posts them on her blog. Pretty twisted situation. And quite frankly, if that is an example of what love is, then I’m certain I do not want love in my life. I have so many other issues to deal with that I’m not sure I want any other complications…. That being said, I still feel happy when I see other people clearly smitten with each other. I root for them. And then I cross my fingers and hope that nothing goes wrong with their love. Then I run.

We’re onto you, dear men…

I was bored….mindlessly trolling the internet a while back and I came across something quite interesting. I came across Cindy Gallup’s ‘Make Love Not Porn’ movement and my mind was practically blown. Now, for those of you who have never heard of her, Cindy Gallup is, for lack of a better term, a cougar. When this blessed lady was in her 40’s, she began dating (and having sex with) much younger men and unwittingly discovered that their bedroom playbook was a little too heavily influenced by porn. So this lady took it upon herself to rehabilitate and re-orient the young people back to the sensual ways of love play. My mind was blown. First thing I could think of was ‘FINALLY!!’ (and do an imaginary high-five….at which point my sister stared at me like I’d grown a breast on my face…) Anyway, this wonderful lady has made it her mission to teach us the difference between the “porn world” and the “real world”. ( I love this woman so much right now. Sigh.)

Now guys, we women have had similar experiences in the bedroom…and the truth is, some of us are too scared or too polite to say something about it. We think it, we even discuss it among ourselves (Yes guys, we discuss your peculiarities…. In detail…) but most of us will never come out and tell you. (Or maybe it’s juz me, I don’t know) Well fellas, the dam has been broken. Someone’s saying it… I can say it. Hopefully a few other women out there are going to feel confident enough to say it too…☻ It is time we (I?) confess. Gentlemen, we are onto you. We know you cast us in your personal porno fantasy on occasion. Lol!!! We are women, we can smell it a mile away, like we can smell fake Manolo Blahniks a mile away….. *Wink* (I know some of you be scratching their heads right now like Mano-whats? Save your scalps lads….Yeah, those are just really well made shoes that cost about my whole year’s salary for a pair. They make us women go all goo-goo gaa-gaa. Some women have been known, on occasion, to wet their knickers at the sight of a pair, even at the very thought of owning a pair…. They make an aaaaawesome gift. Especially if you are trying to buy your way back into a woman’s heart…) I digress…. Most of the time, we’re too polite to say anything and we either choose to attempt to play the part … or not. Don’t get me wrong now….. sometimes we’re into it, too. Like totally… Even initiate it…. *Wink* But the truth is times women feel overwhelmed by the unrealistic expectations. So, we are putting you on the spot, Gentlemen… ☻☻ ☻ It’s about time you come up with some original stuff…. Again, don’t get me wrong. I am not anti-porn… I’m not. I have indulged, on occasion…. ☻ I just think that some porn is so unrealistic and it makes some of us common folk feel like we are failing at sexual intercourse and therefore, life!!

So anyway, what are some of these things I’m talking about?

  1. The On-The-Knees BJ: Of all ways to give BJs, the most uncomfortable one is being on your knees. If you’re going to be down there for more than five minutes (and ya’ll know a proper one is gonna take more than 5 minutes….no?), your knees are going to start aching like holy hell. But, as it’s depicted in porn, we women love being down on our knees moaning and squealing for as long as it takes while our heads are being held and forcefully moved to and fro…… Nope. No. Yaya. Uh-uh. Nej. Dim. Hapana. Not fun. And while we are on that subject… Not all of us appreciate having our heads grabbed and having your dong shoved forcefully down our throats. No we don’t. Neither do we like the gagging, choking or damn-near-suffocation that goes along with that… If you are gonna do it, please, do check if she’s into it first…
  2. The Enthusiastic Hand Job: ☢ Hand jobs are just boring in real life. *Yawn* Always. And they make your arm hurt after a while. And if you have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, that ish hurts like hell…..Don’t let those video tell you otherwise.
  3. Girlfriend Action: No, we’ve never made out with our best friend. No, we don’t plan to or want to. No, she’s never going to stop over, have pizza and a few drinks with us and have a threesome with us. We wonder where you got that idea… P.S: Some of us are curious about the whole girl thing but you’ve gotta know IF we make out with a girl, then it’s definitely not our best friends! There is no way I want to see my best friend doing the hokey-pokey with you. There is no way I want to share your dong with MY BEST FRIEND…. She’s my friend…there’s no way I’ll ever look her straight in the face after I’ve watched your genitals touching. Banish that thought and move on please…
  4. Watching Us Pleasure Ourselves: Hahahahah. Sorry, I’ve gotta laugh first. Hahahaha…..hehehehehe…. The porniverse is full of women who masturbate upon request. Gad damn, sometimes they don’t even need a request! They’re just hanging out on their beds in the middle of the day waiting to masturbate play with themselves… I hate to burst your bubble Lads, but when we play with ourselves, it is not a production. We DO NOT set a time in our schedules to do the naughty. Neither do we wear high heels in bed as we play with ourselves…. hehehehe… It’s really awkward when you ask us to perform masturbation. It puts undue pressure on us….. Don’t do that. Now, on the other hand if I’m feeling freaky enough, I may just invite you to, ahem, spectate? LMAO. But that’s not an errday occurence guys… It’s like blue moon.
  5. The Facial: Guys…*sigh*….the truth is, most women find this messy (What?? Let you unleash a load on my 47K weave/extensions {sic}) and quite frankly, degrading. Those video girls look quite content with the jizz on their face…. in real life? Imma be rushing off to the bathroom to wipe that ish off… (But not with water…that makes it stick to the face like glue)
  6. Fingering: Oh Lawdy Lawd, don’t even get me started on this one! I think whoever invented this whole fingering business needs to be taken out to the backyard and shot twice in the head. And in the genitals, just for good measure. Gentlemen, not all women like fingering. In the videos, all a guy has to do is to start sticking his fingers into a woman and she’s raring to go… NO. Nyet. Aucun. Nicht. ¡No. કોઈ. नहीं. Onge. There, I do not think I could say it any stronger than that. In real life, kissing and touching, and fondling the boobies (gently! not like you’re finyaing some ugali and managu. Eish!), suckling the nipples and licking (all over….whenever, wherever…. and for some reason now that Whenever song by Shakira is playing in my head. That woman has got hips for days! And she can move that waist! Which reminds me, Sommore advises that all women should thank our mothers for teaching us how to hoola hoop. Comes in very handy apparently… *Wink* My Ma didn’t teach me. I need to go get me one of those hoop things….) And besides, why would I need your fingers fumbling about, poking and hurting me in my sensitive regions when I have ten perfectly functioning fingers of my own that know their way about??? Bah! And Gawd help you if the guy has poor hand hygiene and unkempt nail. Bacterial vaginosis….Yeast infections… Tears and lacerations…. UTIs…. uuurgh!
  7. Squirting: Oy! *Takes deep breath* Ok. I read in some deranged blog written by some equally deranged UG guy who basically states that Kenyan men are somehow less than their UG counterparts because they cannot make their women squirt. Some women can squirt. Some women cannot squirt. That is it, Lads. It’s that simple. There is no trick about it. Fact: An orgasm is just as good even if we do not turn into human fountains…. Fact: You are not some wizard if you make it happen. (Screw you, random, deluded UG guy. You and your blog.)
  8. Opening The Boot: Now, now Gentlemen, unlike the ready, willing and able buttholes of the porn ladies, real women’s buttholes tend to be a bit harder to work with. Professional girls make anal play look fun. (and easy too!). In real life it’s much more painful and messy. Don’t even get me started on the anal fissures. And the hemorrhoids. And the prolapsed rectums. Uuurgh! I’m not saying all women are against this form of sex…. I’m just saying, confirm first. Some of us women are of the mindset that there are entrances and there are exits…. Use them properly, as they are intended. And don’t be going, trying to sneak it up on me neither! Ati we’re in the middle of the doggy and kumbe you’re there plotting how you’re gonna open my boot! Then you try slipping it in ati you got confused about where to put your dong!!! (hahaha! We know the tricks!) Stop that guys! That being said, if y’all are agreeable on the matter, carry on you naughty children, you…

Sex should be easy and fun….

I should include a disclaimer….I have not been involved in the hanky-panky for a while. Like, A WHILE…. I am not even sure I know what goes on in the bedroom anymore! Hehehehe. I bet you kids have come up with newer, more creative things to do. I’m not even sure I want to know them! I think at this point I’m using the dry spell as a shield…. SMH. Help might be required here…

Anyway, making love should be easy, fun and leave you slightly breathless, even dizzy….. just like playing hopscotch. If you treat it like it’s a chore, then it’s not making love. If you go forcing stuff that your partner is not comfortable with, it’s not making love either. For men and women, love-making starts in the head and ends in the heart. Our bodies are just a tool we use to express it. The thing is to try to be intuitive about your partner’s needs…. their likes and their dislikes and tailoring your activities to that. And don’t be selfish, NO ONE likes a selfish lover.


Every had bad sex? Really, really bad sex…..Sex so horrible it makes you want to retire your genitals permanently? Like my best friend told me about this guy she had sex with who would…..ah hell, this is gonna be a long one, it requires its own page….

Cheers people. *Polite fist-bump*

Depression is Real…

Everyone feels sad or “blue” on occasion. It is also perfectly normal to grieve over upsetting life experiences, such as a major illness, a death in the family, a loss of a job, or a divorce. But, for most people, the feelings of grief and sadness tend to lessen with the passing of time…. However, there are people for whom, the feelings tend to last for much longer and occasionally can occur without anything having triggered them off.

Clinical depression is not a sign of personal weakness, or a condition that can be willed away…

What is depression? According to the medical fraternity:

Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods. True Clinical Depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer. Clinical depression is a serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Individuals with clinical depression are unable to function as they used to.

According to the World Health Organization depression is the fourth most disabling condition in the world, and it’s expected to rise to second (behind heart disease) by 2020.

Depression is an illness just like any other other illness. Just like Diabetes and Hypertension are illnesses… Often the depressed person has no idea what is wrong with them. They know they’re sad, and that things aren’t as they’re supposed to be but sometimes they cannot even place a finger on exactly what caused the sad feelings. This can be quite distressing. I suffer from depression. Clinical depression is very unique. It involves a noticeable change in functioning that can persists for weeks. Imagine that for the last three months you’ve slept more than 10 hours a day and still feel tired, you have stomach problems like constant pain or constant diarrhea or constipation, you’re unable to cope with life, and you start wondering if dying would solve all your problems. Or, imagine not being able to sleep more than four hours a night, not wanting to spend time with family or friends, and constantly feeling irritable, being ready to bite people’s heads off for no reason whatsoever. And when friends try to reach out to you, you get even more upset and bothered. You lose perspective, and you don’t realize that what you’re experiencing is abnormal. You want to just “wait it out,” and you don’t get help because you think it’s weak to ask for help or you don’t want to burden your friends.

That is exactly what happens to someone who is suffering from depression…. And the sad thing is, most people will not even know they’re depressed. And at times, they’ll figure out they’re depressed but will be unable to seek help. I’m a simple person. I believe in cause and effect. I believe if A happens then B will happen. Therefore if I fail an exam, I get depressed or sad, if lose a job or a friends, i get sad….you catch my drift, no? Therefore being depressed caught me totally off-guard. for the longest time I didn’t know what was wrong with me. How could I be so happy and up-beat one moment then down in the dumps the next? And why was in the dumps anyway? Why couldn’t I just seem to brush it off and continue with my life? Then later, the shame set in… if I was depressed, of course there must be something wrong with me. I must be weak. I must be a very useless person. I remember days i would want to cut myself up with anything, a blade, a knife, a pair of scissors. Anything just so i could feel pain. It’s very distressing when you’re feeling pain but are unable to find what is causing you the pain. Many of the people who cut themselves are driven by this compulsion to feel physical pain. If I cut my thigh and it bleeds, that right there is physical pain. Pain that I can see the source of and therefore i can deal with… I felt so helpless. and all this while, I was struggling with hiding it from my friends and family. I did research and the best I could come up with is;

What Causes Depression?
You may feel you know exactly why you’re depressed. Other times, however, the reasons for depression are not as clear. The causes of depression are quite complex. Very often it is a combination of genetic, psychological, and environmental factors.

Biological factors: You may have heard about chemical imbalances in the brain that occur in depression, suggesting that depression is a medical illness. Depression does seem to have a biological component. Research suggests that depression may be linked to changes in the functioning of brain chemicals called neurotransmitters. Current research focuses on the serotonin, nor-epinephrine and dopamine systems. The usefulness of antidepressant medications suggests that brain chemistry is involved in depression. However, it is also possible that biological changes happen as a result of being depressed.

Some kinds of depression seem to run in families, suggesting a biological vulnerability. This seems to be the case with bipolar depression and, to a lesser extent, severe major depression. However, having a biological vulnerability does not mean you are destined to become depressed. Not everyone in a family develops depression, suggesting that other factors are involved. In addition, depression can occur in individuals who have no family history of depression.

Unlike normal stress and sadness, symptoms of clinical depression persist and do not go away no matter how much the individual wants.

Aha!! What chances do I have against this thing if the cause of this whole problemis my own brain??? Apparently the ‘feel-good’hormones mentioned above are deficient in my brain. I think I may have laughed at myself like a crazy person at this point. Damn! I am very lucky in that, because of my profession, I was able to identify what the problem was, and though I have never actually seeked help from my friends or family (there’s still that shame I feel. Like admitting I have a depression problem would make me less of a person in their eyes), I at least know what is wrong with me. That is the starting point. I know what is wrong. But what about those people out there who are still bewildered by what they are feeling? Or who do not know what they’re feeling? Or how to handle it? Or where to seek help? Or do know what is wrong but are reluctant to come out and say it? Left untreated, depression can lead to serious impairment in daily functioning and even suicide. In my extended family, there’s been three suicides. Adults, seemingly well-adjusted and then one day, gone. No explanation. That, more than anything is what has pushed me into sharing this. I’m a very intensely personal person and the thought that someone will be able to know my troubles literally makes me cringe and my skin crawl. Still, I’d like people to know that Clinical depression is not a sign of personal weakness, or a condition that can be willed away. One cannot simply will it away, or wait it out… Clinically depressed people cannot “pull themselves together” and get better. If anything, it often interferes with a person’s ability or wish to get help. Do not ridicule someone suffering from depression. It is an illness. It can be treated.

Anyone can develop depression, even kids.

Some of us hide it very well but how can you help? What are the symptoms you can look out for in your loved ones, or even yourself that can help you help them get help?

Common Symptoms of Clinical Depression:
There are different forms of clinical depression with different combinations of the following symptoms:

1. Physical:

  • Sleep disturbances-insomnia, oversleeping, waking much earlier than usual
  • Changes in appetite or eating: much more or much less
  • Decreased energy, fatigue
  • Headaches, stomachaches, digestive problems or other physical symptoms that are not explained by other physical conditions or do not respond to treatment

2. Behavioral/Attitude:

  • Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed, such as going out with friends, hobbies, sports, sex, etc.
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
  • Neglecting responsibilities or personal appearance

3. Emotional:

  • Persistent sad or “empty” mood, lasting two or more weeks
  • Crying “for no reason”
  • Feeling hopeless, helpless, guilty or worthless
  • Feeling irritable, agitated or anxious
  • Thoughts of death or suicide

Depression is real, depression is treatable, depression is not a weakness, depression doesn’t necessarily have to mean the end of your life. If you know someone suffering from depression, I repeat, please do not ridicule them. Half of us are just as bewildered and most often feel very helpless. I may not have come out all strong and plastered my name and other details in the name of trying to help but for an intensely private person, I feel like I’m walking around town in my drawers because of this post…. I’m hoping some good comes out of it.