The Other Woman (Part 3)

So George called me today. Early in the morning,. I had just gotten out of the shower and was getting ready to heard out to work. My phone rang and I picked the call on reflex only to find out it is George. He just won’t quit despite everything we have talked about and how I have treated him. I confess, I have been quite rude to him on occasion. I blocked him from all my instant message services including Skype and he just won’t quit. I don’t pick up when he calls or reply his text messages and have pretty much asked him to leave me alone but he just won’t get it. It could be because I told him we can be friends because that’s pretty much all I can have with him. Maybe he figures if he’s persistent enough, I shall change my mind? And maybe I have, unwittingly, offered him some hope by telling him we can be friends? I don’t know. Anyway when we talked, I told him much of what I always tell him. I told him I’m not ready to me ‘the other woman’ with him. The broken promises, the cancelled plans, the sitting around waiting for someone to make time to see you while you cannot make any plans for fear that they might call and you won’t be available, having no one to reliably be there for you when you need help, compartmentalized lives, sex in HOTELS or motels! Seriously though, having sex in a hotel is one of the most disturbing things ever. Cheap motels and hotels are even worse. Nothing makes a woman feel dirtier and more used than that. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the Hilton you were at, nothing would make me want to scrub my skin raw under scalding water more than sex in a hotel. I thought it was demeaning the one time I actually tried it and I swore I would never again put myself through that. Ever. Bleugh! … Nuh uh… I am not doing that. Not ever. Been there done that, got the T-shirt, thank you very much. So, naturally, I figured today would be a good day to do the final bit of my ‘The Other Woman’ series. I have been a bit busy and you know how life is, sometimes it throws you a curve ball… It occurred to me that maybe three posts is a bit too much time to dedicate to one topic… but after thinking it over, I figured, what the hell… It’s something that’s bugging me and I might as well talk about it until I manage to get it out of my system. And honestly, we tend to talk about what we experience, right?

What do you do when you are caught in a situation where you have to choose between being the other woman and being alone? Frankly, I cannot tell you how you should carry yourself. That is an intensely personal decision that you have to make for yourself. But what you need to remember the reality which is that, a man doesn’t need to be unhappy with his relationship to cheat. If he is cheating inclined, he’ll cheat whether the going is good or bad. It’s not about her, it’s about him. They’re selfish, self-involved twats. He didn’t even see himself as a cheat and like majority of these men, he could very comfortably have lived his double life for as long as I would let him. Rationalizing the situation will only hurt you in the long term.

According to my current favorite author, Natalie Rue, you both need to be on the same page about the relationship. Are you still sitting pretty, wondering if he is ever going to leave his girlfriend/wife for you? Are you still asking him if he’s gonna do so? You can do this:

1) Make sure that when you have any discussions that they are definitive rather than being wishy washy: A lot of women don’t ask direct questions (they think they do though) because they are afraid of hearing bad news or pushing him too far. He needs to be pushed. Better you know where you stand now than find yourself still doing the same thing and having the same conversations several years down the line.

2) Be careful of setting deadlines. In fact, you should only set a deadline if he has said that he intends on leaving. Do not set deadlines that you are not going to follow through on. No matter how much you yell and scream, if you’re still with them afterwards, you look silly and he knows he doesn’t have to leave. Make the deadline realistic but not so long that it loses any meaning. Make sure you gain agreement, be clear on the terms, and be even clearer that it’s over if he doesn’t follow through. 3-6 months is optimum – the shorter the time, the better.

3) If you’ve been asking a lot, stop asking and be a woman of action. If you genuinely don’t want to share this man, don’t share him, and he’ll see that there are consequences and that if he wants to be with you, he has to man up. You are doing yourself a big favor in the long run. The best thing that you can do is believe in yourself – tell him to come back when he’s free to be with you. That may be never, but it’s better than waiting forever.

4) Remember that if their marriage/relationship is not working and they say it as over anyway, they are leaving for that reason, not just because of you. It’s important to remember this because should they leave, the worst types will keep throwing it at you that they only left because you told them to or do the whole ‘I left her for you so you should be grateful’ type thing, or even worse ‘You know how you met me! Why are you surprised that I’m sleeping with X, Y, and Z?’. Some people need a catalyst to leave and can’t end relationships on the basis of it not working – they need to have someone to go to.

5) Make sure you know what you want before you go down this road.

Sometimes you want them to leave because you want to ‘win’ – then you discover it’s a booby prize… If you’re OK with being with someone who has a wife/girlfriend, and particularly if it’s not the first time, you need to address your own issues with emotional unavailability and second best syndrome.

Have you thought it all through and you are still determined to be with the man? The love of your life? (sic) According to Miss Natalie Lue, here are some basic tips to help you survive being the ‘Other Woman’

1. Have your escape route from the affair planned. If you have any sense of self worth, don’t be banking on being the other woman forever. Either get the commitment you want and be the starring role instead of the understudy, or get out. Set a time limit and stick to it.

2. Don’t be burning up energy making empty threats. Sometimes an ultimatum is needed to bring things to a head, but if you have no intention of actually following through – you’ll look like a dipstick and then he knows that he doesn’t actually have to make a decision. An ultimatum is an ultimatum for a reason which means there should only be ONE.

3. Do tell a friend about the affair: Keeping things to yourself will be a big strain emotionally and you need someone who you can confide in, have sanity check with and who will also tell you that you should be doing better.

4. Don’t get pregnant in an attempt to force his hand. This is just about the WORST thing you could ever do to yourself. The only person you’re ‘trapping’ is yourself. A baby is for life…not for using as a tool to get what you want.

5. Get a life. Don’t make him the focal point of your existence and don’t be afraid to spend time on your own and certainly spend time with friends and family. The better you feel about yourself, the quicker you’ll come to your senses about being the other woman. Also if you make him the focus of your existence, it gives him supreme control and makes you very dependent on him. Not good!

6. Don’t be doing the chasing. How can you be spending so much energy running after a man who is throwing you the crumbs of his attention? Pfffffft.

7. Keep it real. You are the other woman, he belongs to someone else, this isn’t a good indicator of how much he can be trusted and he is probably having sex with his girlfriend/wife. This doesn’t mean he loves you – it means he’s greedy, indecisive, cowardly and/or a cheat.

8. Don’t disparage the girlfriend or wife. It will do you no favors and makes you appear to be jealous and childish. It’s a difficult situation but he is with this person and whatever reason he has come up with being with you and cheating on her, he hasn’t left her and he’s still with her.

9. Don’t turn into a stalker. The moment you feel yourself going off the rails and wanting to follow him, cut up his clothes, follow his girlfriend/wife, hang around at his kids school, fake pregnancies, fake diseases and any other devious or attention seeking carry-on, it’s time to abort the mission and bail out.

10. Don’t cope with being the other woman. Get out and be with a man that isn’t someone else. Take off the rose tinted glasses and particularly if you have been with him for an extended period of time, you need to let go. It doesn’t take that long to leave someone and he is emotionally unavailable no matter what he says. If he really did love you, he’d put himself in a position to actually be with you properly. Don’t let him convince you that he is the best you can do for yourself – you are better than playing second best.

That fear that many ‘Other Women’ have is that if they leave, he’ll think they don’t care or find someone else. If you’re worried that he’ll replace you with someone else to cheat with, it suggests he’s worth leaving…

The relationship cannot be just on his terms. Just like he expects you trust in him, he’ll have to trust that you’ll be there when he’s got his shit sorted out.

Lastly, if being with someone who is attached is against your core values and forces you to make a rapid departure from who you are, sidelining yourself and living on the fringes and in secret from friends and family, opt out now. If loving him means that you can’t love yourself, choose you. Always choose yourself. Who is going to take care of you, if you do not take care of yourself first?

PS: Natalie Lue is the author of the amazing books Mr Unavailable And The Fallback Girl, The No Contact Rule and The Dreamer And The Fantasy Relationship. You should absolutely check them out. They are available in paperback and as well as e-book format. This lady is the sh*t.

Forever The Other Woman? (Part 2)

This initially started as a one post thing but I got some feedback (Sigh. And some backlash) from some friends and a few other people (and some from a lot of random reading) and somehow it has gathered momentum and turned out to be a trilogy-type post! OK, fine, so maybe not a trilogy… Pfffffft. That is stuff best left to the likes of J. R. R. Tolkien. And maybe Robert Ludlum. I Like Ludlum. His Bourne books are just about one of the best trilogy I have ever read. And I mean the original Bourne trilogy, not the try-hard works of the shadow writer the estate employed to try and fill in the huge shoes of a master. The movies excellent too! Sigh… Matt Damon….. *More wishful sighing*

Anyway, where was I? Yes. Right now, there are thousands of ‘ladies-in-waiting’  in relationships; women who are willing, waiting, and hoping that the guy they’re with, will leave their girlfriend or wife for them. ‘Is he going to leave her for me?’;’When is he going to leave her?’ and ‘Why hasn’t he left her yet?’ It’s tough. You want to know that the pain and effort of effectively playing second fiddle, hanging on the sidelines, and having to operate on marginalized terms in your relationship with a married or attached man, is worth it. So you hang in there and you rationalize and you convince yourself that everything is alright. And what is abnormal soon becomes your normal. Being ‘The Other Woman’ (quite honestly, ‘The Other Man’ too. But I’m a woman and so I’m gonna speak from a woman’s perspective) means being perpetually disappointed, increasingly frustrated, miserable and very much second best. These men are very good at making you feel like they are giving you the earth, when in fact they’re giving you a spade full of dried up soil. You get sucked into the declarations of love, the rationalizing of his situation and the assumption that he clearly isn’t happy and that you are giving him what he needs and in the process end up doing a dis-service to yourself. The situations don’t always start out so dysfunctionally. Sometimes it starts out a simple happy-go-lucky, no-strings-attached kind of think that slowly but surely escalates into a difficult situation. I may not know much but I do know that no-strings-attached situations do not work. Not if you are a human being. For the many women who find themselves involved with an attached man, even though they start out feeling that they can handle things and can be ‘patient’ or may not even want anything more, as time progresses, feelings progress, and so does the desire for the ultimate validation in this situation – to have a man leave the another woman to be with you. When you share yourself continuously on such a personal, intimate level with someone, feelings are bound to develop over time. Then the arrangement can no longer work. Because one person always ends up wanting way more than the other one is willing to offer. And because you want ‘a return on your emotional investment’, sometimes you end up making up ridiculous assumptions that ultimately end up hurting you.

I was reading a book a while ago, Mr. Unavailable And The Fallback Girl and this author highlighted the most common assumptions we make in a way that I would not even want to alter. She says we choose to get caught up in illusions and believe that our relationships are being governed by exceptions and anomalies because we desperately want to be believe that our situation is different; that we are exceptions to the rule. There is no greater example of this than in the cheating situation. There are a few key assumptions that she believes women who go into ‘relationships’ with the cheater work off. These include:

1) If a man is prepared to risk his existing relationship in order to be with you, he must be crazy about you.

Note: A lot of cheaters get off on taking risks and playing truant on their relationships. They don’t like the normality that comes with the steadiness of a relationship or the wants, needs, and expectations that arise from it, so they seek their thrills elsewhere. Sometimes you’re like something they’ve just got to have but they haven’t really thought past winning you over to the bit where you expect them to follow through on their ardent pursuit.

2) If a man has got married or has a girlfriend it shows that he’s capable of commitment which in turn makes him a good catch.

Note: The fact that someone will cheat shows their lack of commitment plus this is a blind assumption based on another assumption, that all people get into relationships for the right reasons and are committed.

3) The reason why he can’t let go of you is because he finds you irresistible.

Note: Men who genuinely want to be with you and who have real trust, care, love, and respect, don’t try to resist you or deceive you. They sort their lives out to be with you properly. Sooner, rather than later.

4) You’re only taking on ‘The Other Woman’ role as a temporary position with the goal of being the main woman.

Note: This is basically like giving someone a ‘try before you buy’ option. You’re in the position of trying to prove yourself in the hope that one day, you’ll create the impetus for him to leave. Unfortunately the guy who will cheat on an ongoing basis and tie you up in a litany of whines and excuses about his ‘situation’, interprets the fact that you’ll be with him in spite of his other relationship, suggests that you have little or no boundaries and that you’ll be there anyway. He basically assumes he can ‘handle’ the situation should you create conflict.

5) If a man cheats it’s because there is something wrong with the relationship and/or his wife or girlfriend.

Note: Some people actually cheat because things are going ‘too’ well and they need to rebel. If someone doesn’t want to be committed, they will behave as they like, irrespective of whether they were with the Most Perfect Person on Earth.

6) They’re only deceiving the wife/girlfriend whilst being honest with you. *Derisive snort*

Note: Both of you have to be lied to, to maintain the deception.

7) The ‘Other Woman’ gives the cheater what he’s missing from his ‘main’ relationship.

Note: Snatched moments and compartmentalized time is not the same as being in a full time, committed out in the open relationship with all of the attendant reality and pressures that come with it. There’s a reason why the saying ‘best of both worlds’ exists!

8) Some relationship with this man is better than no relationship at all.

Note: This is like saying that crumbs is better than nothing and it’s all because you’ve managed to water down your expectations into nothing and have got trapped by your own feelings.

To give them credit, some men do leave their wives/girlfriends to be with the ‘Other Woman’ but it is the exception, not the norm. The reality is that:

1. You both need to be on the same page. More often than not, no matter what is being said, the actions in the relationship show that the ‘Other Woman’ and the cheater are not on the same page because she’s trying to take things to the next level whilst he’s trying to maintain the status quo. Why create more drama when you can have the best of both worlds and not be committed to either person?

2. Men are far more faithful to the wives and girlfriends than we give them credit for. He may dick around and dip his magic stick in every honeypot that passes him by but at the end of the day, he shall go back to her.

You had better be prepared for this reality.

Forever the other woman?

I have been in a funky mood for the most part of this week. I still am, actually. I am not exactly sure why but, well, I’m waiting it out. These weird moods come and go. Maybe it is because I have been on my period, oh, that is soooo cliche. So pedestrian. Lol. Or maybe it’s a mini depressive episode… Oh well, as I said, if I wait it out long enough, it always passes. I just dig in and hold on and it passes. 🙂 Though it could be why I have been so uninspired to make a blog post for a while now. I try to do a post regularly but the truth is, sometimes inspiration totally lacks.

Anyway, these last couple of days have been weird in other ways too. So this guy I used to see a while back. I have written about him before, if you follow my posts. Recently married guy, no kids, asking me to be his back-up, remember him? Yes, him. First, y’all need to answer a question. Does a guy (or a chic) qualify as an EX if y’all never got down to doing the nasty? You know, bumping uglies nshit…. 😉 Of course there was emotional involvement but that evaporated rather fast once I heard the guy’s proposal. Though, truth be told, it may not have really been emotions… Rather, a lust-filled, hormone-induced haze confused for emotions. And love. The genitals and hormones are preeeetty good at getting a person confused about lust and real emotions! Especially when you have been on a dry spell as long as mine… For real, I’ve been on a dry spell so long, I’m no longer sure how long it is. I stopped counting at some point. It was counter-productive. Lol. I was just thinking the other day that the only thing rivaling the dry spell is the size of my thighs. Followed very closely by my ass. These things are massive! You think I call myself Thunderthighs because it’s an awesome name? Ok, fine, so I think it is a cool name. Still doesn’t change the fact that my thighs are huuuge. Hehehehe. Oooooh, I smiled! I just made myself smile. This day might turn out well after all…

Anyway, excuse my rambling. I’m a loner by nature. I find very disturbing ways to self-entertain. 😀 So, back to this guy. Let’s call him George. I weighed the pros and cons of dating George and I decided it would be much safer for my heart for me not to date him. (and honestly, for my face too. I’ve heard one too many stories about how a woman’s face was disfigured my hot water or car battery acid by a jealous significant other once she was found out!) So I sat George down and I explained to him that the best we could ever be is friends. And he tried to change my mind but didn’t succeed. I tell you, this was a tough decision. He is an Adonis of a man!! *Wipes drool* Tall, dark, lean, killer smile, DIMPLES! and oh Lawd, Jesus Christ, Jehovah (Please forgive me for using this name in vain), those thighs!! Dhem Dhighs! Sigh. Even my girl friend got a tad confused by them sinewy thighs… My girl was supposed to be my objective, impartial adviser and here, instead, she ends up advising me to date the fella. Because of his thighs. The licking I woulda unleashed on to those thighs…. *Shaking head* Fast forward a couple of months down the line, George has started calling me again. He recently got a new job. Something he considers more prestigious than his old jobs. Collectively. Because he’s gone through a couple of jobs in the time that I have known him. And I think he kinda just wants to rub it in my face. I think his ego might have not accepted yet the fact that there IS a girl who can turn him down. (The whole glorious self that is him. A gift from the good Lord Himself to women. sigh.) Either that, or he thinks now that he’s earning more, I’ll change my mind and sleep with him. He couldn’t be further from the truth… Nothing dries up my vagina faster than a man flaunting his cash at me, thinking that he can have me because that he has so much money. Studies done show that the leading cause of vaginal dryness is pricks who flaunt their money. That, man purses and men in skinny jeans. Seriously though, you men who wear skinny jeans, where do you tuck your balls?? Are you not interested in siring babies? Because that tightness and the heat generated is guaranteed to cook your sperms nice and proper… Or do you not have any balls? Hhhhmmm… that’s a possibility. So anyway, George is trying very hard to get me to date him. Of course he doesn’t get that my genitals are attached to my brain therefore if my mind is made up, my genitals have to, no matter how reluctantly, put away those pompoms and batons they had gotten out to cheer him on… I just cannot deal with that sort of drama. I won’t.

Anyway, dealing with George has gotten me thinking a lot. (Yes. Thinking. Wipe that smirk off your face. Sometimes, very occasionally, it IS a good thing when a woman sits down and thinks!). And thinking has got me to notice a disturbing trend in my life. I seem to have a rather unhealthy number of taken men in my life wanting one thing or the other from me. I have only ever been in two relationships in my entire life. The first one was puppy love. We were together for ages… almost 5 years actually. And to this day, I am not entirely sure why we broke up. We just sort of drifted apart and then one day I heard that he got married! We still talk, of course, and up to today he still tells me I’ll always be the one and he’ll always want to bang me. But he’s married with a child. And he’s not planning in leaving his wife any time soon. That math does not make sense to me. Anyway, the second relationship was a disaster. It started out so well. This was after I’d been single for quite a while. So I was ready to give it my all. And I did. And it ended so abruptly, I think I still have whiplash… The ninja didn’t even have common decency to break up with me properly. He did it via text. With some lame-ass excuse about distance nshit. I think that might have damaged me more than I care to admit. And since then I have never been in another relationship ever again. That was 6 years ago. A fling here and there, yes. Relationship, no. I am cynical and skeptical and sometimes I am sure I am going to be forever alone. Half of it is because a very large number of the men who hit on me are taken. Either married or they have steady girlfriends. A few I have even liked back. Liked enough to contemplate trying a thing or two with them. I didn’t notice this until recently, and it got me asking myself, am I doomed to forever be ‘The other woman’? Do I give out some sort of ‘other woman’ vibes, scent or pheromones? Or do I look desperate? In as much as I sometimes think that I’ll probably be forever alone, I do, once in every blue moon, envision what it would be like to be in a happy, stable, MONOGAMOUS relationship. Seriously, in the last 6 months only, it’s like there’s been an epidemic of sorts. I met this one guy and he’s really cool. He’s not married but has a girlfriend. That automatically relegated him to the friend-zone. We get to hang out a lot and we like each other a lot. He thinks I’m cool, I think he’s cool, life is cool, yaaaay! we’re all cool. Sigh. After a while, he starts sending me IMs. And he’s all like, I really like you, you’re cool and awesome and sweet and sexy and I wanna do you so bad bla bla bla, you catch the drift. Long story short, he wants to have his way with me but at the same time, has told me to please go out there and get myself a man. Because he is taken. He has absolutely NO problem sharing me with another man. Which, incidentally, is what George told me. He’s all like ‘Baby, I know I’m married and therefore will not always be there for you when you need it. So I have no problem with you getting yourself another man who will be there for you when I am not available.’ O______o I was like, ‘WHAT???????’ Why would you be willing to share me with someone if indeed you love me as you claim??? I do not know much about love but I do know I would not be willing to share my one love with another woman! This is just plain greed. And lust. And gluttony all rolled into one. And I seem to be caught up in the web. I am not the conventional hot chic that most men seem to gravitate towards to nowadays. Tall, light-skinned, skinny. I’m short, 5 foot, 4 inches short, chocolate-brown and decidedly un-skinny! Biig boobs, big ass. Hahahaha. Yeah, definitely far from conventional. So, I meet these guys who DO have the conventional chic for wives/girlfriends and apparently that seems not to be enough to keep them from straying. What is it really? What? You get together with the conventional woman to show off like a trophy, satisfy your pride and your friends and your family so that no one makes fun of you then poke around in the bush looking for the exact opposite? Hide them so that you can satisfy your inner cravings while maintaining the facade… I don’t know, but whatever it is, it’s got me skeptical enough that I am not sure I want to get married. I was just thinking the other day about my life and trying to just get centered and headed in the some sane direction and it suddenly occurred to me that the chances of me being alone for the rest of my life are quite high. And I have basically started to prepare myself for that possibility. Get myself financially stable and get a few investments going here and there, you know the deal…, find new hobbies, things to get pleasure from and to pass time. And as I thought and made my plans, it occurred to me that I was planning for a bleak future. The funny thing is, I am absolutely okay with that! I am absolutely fine with such a future because, honestly, the thought of forever being ‘The Other Woman’ or having my heart broken scares me far much worse than the thought of a future in what is fast being known as #TeamForeverAlone. How’s THAT for irony?

Single and Happy???

happy-single-valentines-feature

…..is it possible?

I didn’t think I would be doing another post this soon…yes, yes, yes, I know I promised y’all a couple of stories but a girl can only do so much! Well, the truth is, work has not been so bad this week. Very few clients. Which, honestly, I’m not complaining about! 🙂 I like having a reprieve in the middle of the work day to take a nap or catch up with my reading or something. Maybe listen to my favorite music. I have been neglecting my playlists of late… Not cool. Also, the boss has been away so I’ve kinda been the Acting Boss and probably will be for the next couple of weeks… Maaaaan, I love being the boss!! I can just sit at my machine and churn out a post and I look like I’m doing some serious work! Plus, oh, what a joy delegation is!! The person who invented delegation should be crowned king of the world. Must’ve been on cleverly lazy bastard…. I wanna be a boss forever and ever. (As long as there is a similar reflection in my pay slip, of course.)

Anyway, I was talking to a friend recently and I found out she has a new boyfriend. We’ve been single for a while now, me and her. Of course I was ecstatic for her. She’s the sort of person who is uncomfortable with the whole being single thing. So I congratulate her and I’m all happy for her and she tells me “Just hang in there love, you’ll get one too….” O____o Now, if you have read any of my other posts, you know that I’m a single, twenty-something year old working girl and truthfully, I have been single for a very long time… Longer than I even care to admit to some people because some of them tend to give you the stinky eye like ‘Is something wrong with you? Why have you been single for that long???’ Sigh. My issues with relationships are many and varied…. the most obvious being the usual ‘Once bitten, twice shy’ shtick. Oh, that alone would make up a blog by itself. I probably will talk about them one day. Or not. Maybe. I don’t know… 🙂 My issue right now is these people who think a woman cannot be single and happy. Yes, a woman. Y’all know a woman is judged more harshly than a man…. A man under the same circumstances would be considered a baller. A player. A lucky bastard.. He’d get pats on his back and women would continously throw their knickers at him. He’d be the envy of his friends… It’s almost like it’s a misnomer…. Single and happy??? The two of them apparently cancel each other out. Why does a girl being single cancel out all her other accomplishments? Why is being a single woman a taboo? My friend went on ahead to tell me, ‘Aki usijali, utapata tu…’ (Loosely translated to mean “Don’t worry, you’ll find one eventually”!!! (I shot her several times, and in slow-motion too, in my head, just so you know. And I’m not even ashamed to admit it out loud)

If you were to ask me about myself, I’d say I am a (mostly) confident woman who has a pretty good life, full of meaningful work, a good support network of wonderful friends, and a loving family. My career is going well, I got a promotion, I’m making good money…… basically, I like where I am right now and I wouldn’t really want to change much in my life… OK, so I could stand to lose a few pounds…. Of course, so yeah, I would probably rub that magic lamp hard to change that. But since things don’t work that way, I’m eating much healthier nowadays and hitting the gym in between and I’m fairly certain that I will shed those stupid pounds, if I am patient enough. And patient I am… See, I grew up in a large family….almost the size of a football team really, so patience was not a virtue rather, pretty much a necessity. Unlike my mum who doesn’t seem to understand that the damn weight does not melt away overnight! She’s on my case like a thong up a big ass! MY big ass. :-/ I understand her concern, I really do, I just wish she could go about it in a less obnoxious way. I get weary sometimes just thinking about it. Bah!

So, to sum it up, I am a single woman approaching her thirty’s with no kids. I am just going to pause for a second to let that sink in, and to let you think about the images and feelings that spring to mind when you hear that phrase. I bet a number of you think I am either:

  • Standing in a crotch-grazing leopard-print dress, in high heels (they HAVE to be high heels. I always wear high heels.) at a bar yelling extremely loudly, with a slightly-to-very-crazy look in my eyes, “I LOVE being single! I never want a relationship! Relationships are for the weak! Look at HOW MUCH FUN I AM HAVING!!” OR
  • Sitting in my pajamas, inhaling a tub of ice cream while watching When Harry Met Sally and sobbing about how lonely and empty my life is. (Ok, so I do eat ice cream on occasion. Chocolate too, though not much of late…but I categorically deny ever watching that movie and I never sob while eating ice cream. We all know there’s love to be found at the bottom of the tub, right? Right? Come ooooon…right?)

You couldn’t be further from the truth if that is the imagery you had. Most of the time, I am perfectly happy with the way things are. I love my work (on most days when my good ‘ol boss is not being an ass a beast of burden) and I love my family. I like taking care of my nieces and nephews and quite frankly, it works out very well for me. I get to have the healing company of children and best of all, I get to return them to their owners at the end of the day… That is a win-win situation right there, if you ask me! But nobody is asking me, I guess. Sigh. Sadly, society seems too intent upon reminding me that my life is not complete until I make a walk down the aisle and/or/then have babies. One of the hardest thing nowadays about being single at this age is not actually being single, it is having to put up with the constant bombardment of comments and pressure to “find someone” and “be happy” (with the inference that if you are single, you must be very miserable). And what’s worse is, most of these comments come from women themselves! Like if you are married and have children, it suddenly makes you exponentially superior to my single self! It’s almost like being single is analogous to some sort of flesh-eating disease that, if unchecked, will eventually consume you in some god-awful way. Oh, and the absolute worst are the ones who think they magically have the right to tell you it’s your fault you’re single because they are partnered. Things like “You don’t put yourself out there…. You need to get out more…. You need to stop being so career-minded… You need to lower your standards a little bit…” Lady, if I put myself out there any further, I’ll fall off the damn ledge!!

So what compels people to make such hurtful or patronizing remarks to single women? Is it because they really think they’re doing us a service? Do they really believe my life is empty? Or are they trying to justify their own life choices? There’s probably more than one answer to that question, but with the divorce rate at about 50 percent, what is it about marriage that still compels people, especially women, to feel that it is the end-all-be-all of happiness and success? And why is it these partnered people have the right to comment on my single status yet I, on the other hand, am not allowed to comment on the absolutely appaling state of some of their relationships? I have a friend who’s engaged yet she (Yes, she. Pick your jaw from the floor) cheats on the hapless dude left, right and center. With exes, with younger men, with work colleagues, with the one who got away (but somehow managed to come back now that she’s engaged to be hitched), damn, just about everything in trousers! Yet I am not allowed to comment on that! Why should it be acceptable for me to be asked “Why are you still single?”, yet it isn’t okay for me to ask “Why have you settled for him? Why are you stuck with her? Were you so afraid of being alone?” What is with the double standards people? Are we so besotted by the idea of being partnered that we believe any relationship or marriage, no matter how dysfunctional, is better than being single? Also, why should the fact that I am single overshadow my accomplishments. Why should it eclipse the fact that I work hard, I have bought my own car or my own piece of land or that I’m constructing a commercial building that is likely gonna get me a good and stable income? Why should the fact that my vagina has not squeezed out any life form eclipse the fact that I am helping to educate my siblings? Why should the fact that my uterus has not housed any life be a reason for someone, anyone to pity me or worse, feel superior to me?? Do not get me wrong, I am not anti-love or anti-marriage or anti-babies. I believe in love. I believe in its power and its healing. And I absolutely adore babies… I am not saying that being single is THE BEST THING EVER!!…. No! Being single has it’s challenges. Yes, we do get sad and lonely days…and there are probably things like businesses or investments that would be so much easier done as a couple than as a single person…. There is the companionship. Someone to sit, and hold hands with, in the dark with when KPLC are misbehaving… And the sex… Oh, dear God, THE SEX!! I miss the sex… That’s probably the single biggest thing I hate about being not being in a relationship. I love sex but I am not into casual sex. Or one-night stands or friends-with-benefits type of situations. I believe that sex is an intimate thing that should be shared by two (or more, depending on how freaky y’all are! hihihi.) people in a commitment of some sort. Of course, on one of those really bad nights being driven by the dry spell, I have considered changing my mind about it…but I haven’t so far…. But I do not feel the need to rush into a relationship right now. I do not feel the need to have children right now. And, if I can be brutally honest, I am quite, very certain that I probably won’t have children. My biological clock seems to have either stopped or malfunctioned. Maybe I never had one to begin with, it was probably assigned to someone else….whatever the reason, I do not feel the need to terrorize my genitals just to prove something to anyone. I have never been a woman who dreams of the white dress or a big wedding and honestly, the idea of marriage scares the holy bejezuz out of me! I know I am not ready for that kind of commitment right now. I want to live alone for now….travel the world. Explore. Not have to explain myself or my actions to anyone. Or be responsible for anyone’s well-being. Or anyone’s feelings… I am probably not emotionally mature for it either…. One friend told me that I was being selfish for thinking that way. She said a woman’s duty (DUTY??? WTH??) is to settle down and raise a family. When I told her I didn’t think I would ever want or have children, she practically got the vapors and fainted! We had to get the find the smelling salts to revive her.

IMG_1771-500x500I find that I have learnt to thrive in, and enjoy, the alone-ness. (Not loneliness! That would just be anti-social) and I am quite content and fulfilled whether a relationship ever happens or not. Of course I would love to be in a relationship one day (once I get over my phobias) and I would love to give my all to my partner in an extraordinary way…but I am not going to let the fact that I am not in one right now dictate how I live the rest of my life…. If it happens, it happens. If not, *shrugs* I would be glad for the day when I can talk about the challenges of being a single person without being judged as miserable or bitter, or to be able to talk about and share my happiness and accomplishments without someone thinking (or saying) “Yes, but you don’t have a man.” I am not making some kind of feminist statement or something here, though it probably wouldn’t matter if I was anyway…

I would like people to please stop trying to live my life for me. Stop projecting their expectations of life on me. I do not want to have a boyfriend or a husband simply as an accessory….because it is expected of me. I want to have the right person, at the right time. And right now is not the right time for me. There may never be a right time or that right person and if that’s the case, I will deal with it then. I wish we could all remember that life isn’t a competitive sport and happiness CAN be found in many places, not just in relationships and marriages and motherhood. I can be single AND happy…. Please let me be.

Note:

I would like to bury my head in the sand and act like this piece is going to go down well with everyone. The truth is, I am likely going to be labeled as a bitter single woman who’s unable to find love and is therefore lashing out at all the not-single people. Knowing that I am anything but bitter or miserable yet will likely be labeled so makes me extremely sad but hey, opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one. And they have the right to have one too, no matter how asinine. I hope y’all have a wonderful weekend.

:-*

quotes-about-girls-being-jealous-20

The elusive Benjamins...

The elusive Benjamins…

Ok. So it’s been a while since I did a post. Ya’ll are gonna have to forgive me because work has been crazy busy. Anyway, so the new year started off well. My family was around for the holidays and I had the absolute best time with nieces and nephews and the rest of the family. And then they left and we got down to work and other things sort of took a a backseat. Anyway, I hang out a lot on the social networks during my free time, most times just watching what people are up to and often times, getting amused by them. I noticed a trend, especially on Twitter, where everyone is all about lanes. Everyone is all, “Stay your lane booboo.” “Swerve.” I’ve noted other more colourful things being said but let’s not get into that. I’ve realized that it all comes down to money. As a working woman, I have learnt to appreciate my money. I work very hard for it and play hard too, whenever I please, however I please, because, hey, it’s my money. I have never had the luxury of sitting back and having everything taken care for me. I practically put myself through university. My mother always hammered it into my head that I should not even think about thinking of getting married before getting myself a job. She said a man will be happy to take care of you while he’s courting you but once that deal is sealed and you’re in the box, that changes. Something about having no respect for the woman who sits back and waits to be taken care of. Apparently a man will respect you more if you show you can pull your weight a bit and earn a little bit of your own cash. Even if it’s just a meager amount compared to what he makes. That way he can trust that in case something ever happens to him, his family will be well taken care of by said woman.  I don’t know, maybe I am over-simplifying or I’m over-generalizing, maybe you lads out there can enlighten me…. all I know is what my Mama taught me. And she speaks from experience. Whatever the case, I was brought up to be self-sufficient. Everything I have, I got through my own sweat. And the truth is, there is a sort of primal satisfaction knowing that you worked for what you have. Of course being a self-sufficient a.k.a independent woman comes with it’s own challenges, what with men running away from you like their tails are on fire getting cold feet around you, but then, that’s another story for another day… The tribulations of an independent  modern woman…

This, of course, brings up the huge issue of women and money. LOL. I was chatting with a friend the other day and he says he’s basically disillusioned with relationships because it seems to him that all women are out for in a relationship is money! The gold diggers. And for the longest of time I have despised such women. They have an easy life while the rest of us have to break our backs to scrape up a living. Another friend said we shouldn’t be too hard on them because they work hard too and I was all like Pffffft! Work hard my big ass! big toe! All they do is lie there, let the man do all the work, then they get showered with all sorts of gifts. That is not hard work by my definition. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I still haven’t decided which, I’ve had my mind-set altered just a wee bit recently. I met this really, really loaded guy… (and I don’t mean loaded in the pants. Though, in all honesty, I have no idea if he was loaded in the pants, I never really got to find that out…) When I first met him, the dude had a poor first impression. He’s one of those really rich people with an extremely unfortunate taste in styling. Oh, who am I kidding, he had no style whatsoever. He’d worn one of those stiff blue Savco jeans, a T-Shirt and sports shoes with a sports jacket that had seen better days and one of those dirty-green/brown God papa hats. Now, admittedly, I am just a wee bit of a snob ( ._.) … so when this guy approached me as I was sitting minding my own business, listening to my music, I was just a teensy bit miffed. Anyway, never one to forget the manners my mother (Bless her) so diligently hammered into me, I smiled, welcomed him to the seat across me and proceeded to give him a listening ear. Anyway, long, long story short, the dude was veeeery persistent and pushy and I agreed to have a drink with him. So imagine my surprise when he invited me for said drinks at the Serena hotel. I was like, hold on, HUH??? Oooooook. Alright. No biggie. I meet him on a Friday evening and in the process find out the nigga be rich! Like ridiculously so. He was talking in terms of hundreds of millions and billions! FUCK! And here I was feeling so uppish over my ka-quarter a million salary! Talk about L.A.N.E.S! I was officially put in my place. (Of course the first thing I wondered was, eeeerrr, you have all that money and you choose to dress like that?? Really guys, he was in another pair of  stiff blue jeans, sports shoes, T-shirt and a baseball cap! Again. It’s like it’s a uniform he has to were everyday. I guess it’s all well because then people tend to underestimate him like I did… Still though… *Shaking my head*) Anyway, as the date progressed, I realized this is a man who is used to taking care of his women. At some point he mentions this lady he dated at some point who conned him out of a 100K by lying to him that her dad was dead and they needed to make funeral arrangement bla bla bla… turns out she just wanted some cash to go for a holiday with her other boyfriend in Mombasa! I can’t remember how he found out but then again, that is not the point here… Anyway, this man proceeded to just give me cash! Like, he had this whole bundle of a thousand shilling notes in his pocket and he just whipped it out and started peeling some of those notes for me. He looked at my nails and told me I needed to get a pedicure (My nails are pretty but fragile. Any time I apply nail polish, they start peeling off. It’s like they’re allergic to nail polish or something…. Maybe someone needs to come up with some organic nail polish or herbal nail polish or something… hhhmmm, now there is a business idea. Anyway so because of that, I rarely paint my nails.) then he looked at my hair and said I should probably get my hair done too. At some point I told him I needed to head on home sort out dinner for my siblings and he proceeded to peel off more of those notes for me. He asked the concierge to go deposit the cash in his M-Pesa account then I’d send it to my siblings…that way, I’d stay with him a little longer!! Anyway, the guy literally threw money at me. At some point he offered to buy me a Mercedes C-class! He said he wanted his woman well taken care of. I declined the offer. Told him I am not ready to own a Mercedes just yet so he asks what car I’d want!!! (shaking my head) He proceeded to tell me all about his businesses and basically hinted at his net worth. And I could see from the way he was talking, he wasn’t being all Jang’o about it…you know, bragging nshit…. he was just talking and the details just sorta kept slipping into the conversation. (Or he was bragging but being really, really clever about it and I fell for the shtick… oh, well.) And then just like that, it hit me! Some women are after the money because men make it so bloody easy for them!! I mean, the man was literally cramming money down my throat and I hadn’t even asked for it! (Don’t get me wrong, I love money and frankly I’d rather be crying while rich than laughing while struggling financially. Life has so many problems that I’d rather money not be one of them.)And I kept on wondering why men are always complaining that women are out for money when some of them are so willingly flinging it in our faces? I am not rich, but I’m comfortable. I do not struggle much and I don’t live paycheck to paycheck. I could stand to do a little more proper investments but that neither here nor there. The issue is, not everyone is at the point where I am financially so I understand that another, not so financially stable, woman might have jumped on that bandwagon so fast and milked him dry for as long as it lasted. Or a lazy chic not willing to get off her butt and work might have gone at it hard… I don’t know.

It’s all about the money…. Is it really?

All I know is, men keep whinning about money-minded women when they are the ones who make it soooo easy at times. For me, he was basically proposing an exchange of money for sex. In an exclusive relationship, yes, but still an exchange nonetheless. Oh wait, let’s not forget that this is a married man with children and a damn pretty wife to boot. I’m not ugly but I’m not what would be considered smoking hot either. I’d probably pass for cute… so for a minute there I did wonder what exactly about me was attracting this man when he had such a pretty wife waiting for him at home. It could have been my ass though. I guess. It’s huge. You slap it on Christmas day and it won’t stop shaking until after New Years day… sigh. I have a love-hate relationship with this bottom. It has almost stopped traffic and I have been dumped because of it…. Anyway, I digress. I won’t lie that I didn’t get tempted to just give in and let him do as he wanted. Oh, but I did. In the worst way!! The man drives a Range Rover Evoque for heaven’s sake!! (My poor sedan probably developed low self esteem after being parked next to it!!) and he was literally throwing high-end cars at me and offering to pay my rent nshit… OF COURSE I got tempted! EISH! You’d have to be inhuman not to get tempted. Or filthy rich yourself. Both of which I’m not. For a second there, I had this epiphany. Why not just get with him and get all the money I could from him while it laasted (probably pick up a few contacts from him too) and once I’d had enough, leave him. Shiet, I could probably use some of the money to pay for a first class therapist to help me forget what I did to get that money!! (Or get some high grade weed or something, light it up and forget!) Thank God sanity prevailed.

Anyway, bottom line of all this ranting?

1. Men, stop bitching about women who’re out for money. Some of you literally paint the X on your asses then you start crying foul when some unscrupulous person zooms in on it. Grow up, accept the consequences of your actions like the man you are. Now, this don’t mean that now you become stingy S.O.Bs….. no! Stingy men are a no-no with women, as around. Like this guy I once dated…. SMH, never mind, I’ll tell you that story another time. Just don’t brandish your money about as a weapon to attract a woman then cry about it when she bites.

2. Also, Men, not all women are out to gold-dig. Some of us make our own money and we are proud to carry our own weight and yours too, if need be.

Gimme that.

Gimme that.

3. Good God, I have a new-found respect for women who sleep with men for money. That shit is tough! This man barely touched my thigh and I cringed. Like, visibly cringed enough that he noticed and took away his hand. How do you silence that inner voice of disgust enough to not only allow him to run his hands all over you but to poke your honey pot with his dong, repeatedly, without being high on something?? As it is, I was so embarrassed at the whole situation, I ended up paying the bill for the drinks. Which I could see took him aback for a second…

4. Women, making your own money, no matter how little, will wonderfully boost your self-esteem and self-respect and sense of self-worth which no one can take away from you. Try it and see.

5. If any of y’all ladies want the guy’s number, holla at me! 🙂 You gots ta have a big-ass bottom though…. he seemed really enthralled by that!

The gold-digger's poem..

The gold-digger’s poem..

Do Not Try This…. 7 (damn-near) Impossible Sex Positions.

Y’all know the unwritten rule of the land…. When you ain’t  having something, or even worse, when you are not supposed to have something, you tend to constantly think and obsess about it. And this is exactly why diets do not work for me and most of the women out here. Because I think of that carrot cake I am NOT supposed to have and suddenly I feel like I will die if I do not have a bite of the damn cake. Heck, forget about the cake, even a simple mint sweet seems like manna from heaven when you are on a diet. So I simply do not tell myself I’m on a diet lest weird cravings kick in! Anyway, not to digress. I’ve been on an impossibly dry, dry-spell. (sigh) so the truth is, I’ve pretty had the bumping uglies on my mind like 85% of the time. Yes, dear men, women can day-dream about sex too. Which can really be a pain in the ass when you’re in a meeting and random parts of you starts perking up and other literally get their pom poms and start cheering in the presence of random dudes! FTS

The grumpy cat

The grumpy pussy (sic)

Anyhoodles, long-suffering sigh on one of those boring afternoons at work, I am just trolling the ‘net as usual, I came across the Kama Sutra and I was bored (or bold) enough to flip through it while at work. (P.s; You do NOT want to know the look on one of my colleagues’ face when she walked into my office and discovered what I was up to!!! Lol. Most comical look EVER.) So, I’m browsing and browsing through and drooling just a teensy weensy bit at the very buff, muscular species of the male variety depicting all manner of sensual, carnal pleasure that has been denied to me all these past many, many, many months. I remember thinking to myself that all folks engaged in coitus (I just had to use that word. I’m an adult but I burst out into helpless giggles every time I hear it. Hehehe.) should be rounded up and shot and just leave the rest of us in miserable peace. And now for some reason, I can’t stop picturing some grumpy cat I keep on seeing on Twitter feeling very happy about the shooting of the sexed up bastards people. Forgive me, I am taking you everywhere today. I am ever so slightly high on some Codeine-laced medication I have taken for a migraine. I keep giggling randomly. I do that when I am high. Tihihihihi.

Anway, without further distraction, here are the top seven, damn near-impossible to achieve, positions (in no particular order) that I thought you shouldn’t try at home…..or anywhere for that matter!

1. The Headspinner:

the-headspinner

The headspinner

How it works: He stands (or is it spins?) on his head with his legs in the splits while you wrap yourself around his torso, scissor between his legs and balance in his armpit.

My take: Where do I even start? Look Ma, no hands!!! Or NOT. Now, now, you may be dating a professional break dancer, (or a contortionist, I don’t know what kinda freaky situations you are into!) and he may be able to do some electric bugaloo shit, but can he balance hands-free on his head AND pump his upside-down dong in you while you’re balancing in his armpit? There’s this thing, you see, it’s called gravity. So, I’m going to go ahead and endorse this one. Go for it. Go wild. And quite frankly if you and anyone you know are stupid enough to attempt this, regardless of how co-ordinated, strong, flexible or agile you are, you deserve everything you get. Just don’t forget to set up a camera. Oh, and set up the feed to automatically send to mizthunderthighs@gmail.com ……  Y’know, just in case you’re unable to move for some reason or another… 😉

2. The Pair Of Tongs:

The Pair Of Tongs

How it works: In this position, you hang off the bed sideways, supporting most of your weight on one arm. The man holds your waist, straddles your lower leg while holding your upper leg and inserts the D in the P.

My Take: I looked at the picture of this one and just laughed. Talk about superhuman strength! Who makes this stuff up? If you’re not a master at side plank, or don’t have the upper body strength of Madonna, your arms are going to collapse or you are going to fall on your head the minute he starts pumping. Let’s be honest, he’s going to forget that you are in a precarious position the minute dong hits your honeypot and sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but side entry is NOT always pleasurable. Plus, it’s gotta be a schlong, not a schlort, if you expect to achieve any sort of penetration…

3. The Wanton Wheelbarrow:

the-wheelbarrow

The wanton wheelbarrow

How it works: You do a hand stand while he stands and grips your waist, entering your honeypot from behind.

My Take: Sigh. Seriously, who comes up with these things? Surely there are easier, less awkward, more fun AND flattering ways for a woman to demonstrate her upper body strength. Not all of us are Olympic standard gymnasts! The truth is, your elbows are going to give out in like 30 seconds and things are not going to end very well for the man brave enough (or is it foolish enough?) to try this. It doesn’t work out well for the lady either! Especially if he has poor hygiene and you have to smell his socks. (Why is he wearing socks???? Ugh.)

4. The Back Breaker: (huh???)

back-breaker

The back breaker

How it works: You starting by standing on your bed, he levitates in mid-air while you sit on his dong with your legs hooked around his neck. After you assume this position, you fall backwards in unison. Can be repeated as often as you want. Why would you want want to repeat such a ridiculous thing??? 

My Take: WHAT THE FUCK?? Do I even need to go into why a position called ‘Back Breaker’ should not find it’s way into your sex talk, let alone your bedroom? It’s called Back Breaker for heaven’s sake! Also, nobody can levitate and manage to move his pelvis in any way that is pleasurable! No, not even your awesome-ass boyfriend. OK, maybe Idris Elba….. *Sigh* That man can gerrit. He can fetch it, he can obtain it, he can bend it like Beckham if he so wishes and he can keep it too! Wishful sigh. As one of my pals keeps telling me, some people are really created in the image of the almighty being…. *Sigh*

5. The London Bridge:

london-Bridge

The London Bridge

How it works: To start this position, the man must get on all fours, facing upward. (hahaahaahaha!! If you’ve gotten this far, as a couple, congratulations to the man for being a double jointed freak of nature) You, the woman, then (somehow!!) straddles the man without knocking out his legs from under him and the riding begins.

My Take: These joint positions are completely unnatural for human beings. (Unless you are a contortionist or you have some weird disease like Marfan’s Syndrome…) That, and I’d really love to know the person who can hold a bridge with another human being sitting on their pelvis humping away… And I can’t even figure out how the D and P would line up for any penetration decent enough to achieve the big O. Any insertion would be impossible, as the man’s middle region will naturally want to bend inward, towards the ground… SMH. Also, if the ‘bridge’ falls down, the woman’s center of gravity would be sitting at a shock point to the man’s spinal cord with the possibility of intense back injuries, minor pelvic injuries, and a really hurty butt for both parties! Frankly, I wouldn’t try this one. Unless I really, really don’t want to look at the guy’s face. Maybe he’s ugly. Like really ugly. Like warthog ugly. Or, like the-walrus-that-ate-the-wathog ugly. Maybe then. And even then, and let’s be honest here, unless it’s like the post-apocalypse era or something, I wouldn’t be caught alive with someone THAT ugly. *Chills* Bloody bollocks! One last thing, why ‘The London Bridge’? Why not The San Francisco Bridge? Or The Nairobi River Bridge?

6. The Backdoor Cartwheel:

backdoor-cartwheel1

The backdoor cartwheel

How it works: Uuhhmmm, honestly, I have not been able to figure out how this one works. I guess someone gets in a cartwheel position and somehow D and P manage to find each other and you cartwheel around together. I guess. *Scratches head*

My Take: Where do I even start with this one? First of all, the “backdoor” reference in the name of this position is raising all sorts or red and blue and green and whatever other colour of flags…. Where is his dong going??? In the sausage wallet (the P) or the butt a.k.a backdoor??? DO NOT attempt this!!! Seriously though, what could be so horribly broken about your relationship that either one or both of you feel the need to over-compensate in this way??? Holy Crap, this position scares the bejezzuz outta me!! However, if you and your partner are able to carry this out (and I shall require both photographic evidence for this…), then I shall crown you Master and Mistress of All Things Sexual. 😀 *Hands you sceptre and crowns*

7. The Pogo Stick:

pogo-stick

The Pogo Stick

How it works: Basically, the guy crouches down, lifts you up before standing back up and pulling you down. He somehow manages to hold you on his dong, in mid-air, facing forward, AND simultaneously alternating crouching and standing repeatedly.  OK.

My Take: Do you have the abdominal strength to hold yourself in that position? Unless you are an have Gwen Stefani kind of rock-hard abs, NO. And even if you do, does he have the arm strength to keep you from falling backwards and cracking your head open? One slip, and you’re likely to hear a sharp snapping sound and the sound of a man crying…… There are just too many moving parts here for this to end in anything but an embarrassing hospital visit with a variety of injuries ranging from skull fractures to penis fractures to spinal injuries. (and let’s not forget, a whole lot of crying.) Unless this position is the very last thing left on your bucket list, please steer clear…

Now that Valentine’s Day is around the corner, I implore you to please, take a long hard look at your relationship. Have a frank discussion about your feelings and find other pleasant, more pleasurable and far LESS dangerous to explore and show your feelings and for heaven’s sake, leave this madness behind!! 😉 Just because it CAN be done, does not mean it SHOULD be done…. heeeheeehee. If you need a diagram (or an illustration/demonstration) to figure out what to put where and how to do it, should you even be attempting it??? But who am I to say they are impossible? Maybe if I got out and actually tried them out instead of reading about them and looking at drawings, I might actually do the impossible! Lol. Just kidding. I am never, never, ever even thinking of trying to attempt any of them! I like my bones just the way they are. Intact. So I shall stick to my single, kamasutra-browsing lane for now.

Now you crazy kids, get out there and have fun. And don’t forget to be safe. AIDS is real y’all….

Cheers.

Love, Schmove…..

Love. What is it?

I ran into a friend of mine the other day and man, did the woman look happy. Not just happy as in smiling or facial expressions…. No. She looked HAPPY. The kind of happy that makes a person glow. And float on the air or glide around instead of walking like the rest of us. The kind of happy that is almost disgusting….(but only because YOU aren’t the happy one.) They have this look of contentment you can’t help but envy for a minute…. and boy, oh boy, did I envy her. For a minute, of course…. 😉 We get down to talking and she reveals the secret of her happiness…. She’s in LOVE! (birds chirps, skies open, angels come down and spontaneously burst into sweet melodies….) Yes, my friends says she is finally done with the dating drama and dramatic men and dramatic relationships and she’s in love. She’s settled. And content. And they’re even thinking of getting married soon. And I’m like “Wow!! Isn’t that a bit too soon? How do you even know this is love?” She looks at me with this knowing (and, might I add, slightly irritating) smile and simply says “When it’s the real thing, you’ll know.” Well, thank you for the very informative insight! I’ll just know? How? Do I even KNOW what love is? And what is ‘Real Love’ anyway? I assume this, then, means that there’s also fake love. Fake love??? That’s a misnomer right there, if you ask me….. But you’re not asking me so, yeah, whatever. I got to thinking (which, quite honestly, is not always a good thing) about some situation my friend landed herself in. She meets this guy, likes him a LOT, finds out guy is married, ditches the guy and moves on. A while later…(this guy is really clever. He let her have some time to calm down and the anger dissipate, then she starts thinking just how much she misses him and if maybe she wasn’t too rash with her decision then, BAM, a guy calls! It’s like guys have ESP or something that tell them when a chic is vulnerable and they strike at that time…. CLEVER BASTARDS...) the guy calls and is all sweet nshit and she ends up agreeing to have coffee with him. He treats her real good and she’s basically beginning to forget this guy’s not-so-single situation. Thankfully, she’s just a wee bit skeptical so later she asks him some stuff…. the conversation goes like… (Yes, I’m paraphrasing. Yes, I got her permission….. *Sticks tongue out rudely*)

She said: I worry that you might break my heart.

He said: The fact that you worry makes it even more exciting. It tells me you are very careful. Hmmmm. It makes it worth waiting.

She said: Can I ask you a difficult question and you answer me honestly.

He said: Of course you can ask…..

She said: What will you do if your wife ever finds out about me?

He said: Introduce you to her…. (Ati whaaaat? I laughed so hard at this…. Niqqa, please!)

She said: Are you for real??????  (I KNOW, RIGHT??? RIGHT??)

He said: Do you expect that coz she knows, or gets to know, I will drop you? Haiya, no way. I will introduce you two and let you cope. Unless anyone wants to bail out…..  (OK, here I just didn’t know what to say. My jaw hit the ground, my tongue rolled out, my eyes popped out of their sockets……)

She said: Is this an exclusive thing or do I get to see other guys?

He said: If I had my way in this, it would be me alone but (and I say this shingo upande) you can see other guys. Can I meet them first? Just to assess….. (I have never laughed harder in my life that I did at this point. After, of course, I recovered from my head exploding…. Gad DAMN!!)

She said: You would share me with another man??? (Ehe, jibu swali!……)

He said: No, I don’t want to but I don’t have a choice. It’s your call babe…. (I’m sorry, I could not go beyond this. I just couldn’t. I still can’t. WHAT????)

That shit right there reminded me of this guy I’d met earlier this year. Married guy, confounded me ever so slightly … It was the hormones. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I did a post on him, one of the earlier ones…this guy basically told me to my face that I’m his back-up plan. I am quite very certain that I am worth much more than just a back-up! Eish! Anyway, moving on…… My issue with this situation is, this guy is professing his undying love to my friend yet he is willing to SHARE her with another man? After he assesses him and gives approval of course…. *Right now, I’m doing that thing where I pretend my right hand is a gun, I put it to my forehead and pull the damn trigger* Damn! Is that love? What kind of love is that????? What was that about love again? It conquers all?

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I heart you….

Back when I used to be less cynical and less disillusioned, that verse used to be one of the most beautiful things I ever read. And so intriguing. What is this thing that bears all, believes all, hope all and endures all things? Beautiful. 🙂 Nowadays, I’m jaded. I’m not sure I believe that anymore. I’ve been single most of my adult life. I can think of a couple of reasons why like I’m just too scared to put myself out there…. I tried once, then twice and I got burnt so bad that I just don’t have the will to try again. Plus my work schedule is weird and I barely have any free time. Whatever free time I have, I spend working out or in my bed sleeping. Plus, it has become my comfort zone. Whenever I think about going out, meeting new people, starting with the whole ‘What are your  hobbies? likes? Dislikes? Bla…bla…blabberty bla.” I get so exhausted. I like how things are now. I get to do what I want, when I want. I do not have to consider someone else’s plans, or feelings or whatever….. pretty selfish, I know. But it works for me for now. But mostly, it’s because I do not really trust in love. Or even believe it exists. I’m not even sure I could recognize love if it rubbed it’s crotch in my face (that’s about as in-your-face as it can get, no?) I was trolling the internet the other day and I came across a blog where this lady write’s letters to her lover’s wife. She’s married, he’s married but she’s been seeing this guy fro over four years now. And the guy is nowhere near leaving his wife for her. and she doesn’t want to leave her husband if the guy is not gonna leave his wife first! So she sees him when she can and she writes letters to the wife and posts them on her blog. Pretty twisted situation. And quite frankly, if that is an example of what love is, then I’m certain I do not want love in my life. I have so many other issues to deal with that I’m not sure I want any other complications…. That being said, I still feel happy when I see other people clearly smitten with each other. I root for them. And then I cross my fingers and hope that nothing goes wrong with their love. Then I run.

Welcome to the Friend-Zone…

friend zone advice

You can check-out any time you like…..but you can never leave!

For some reason I’ve had the song ‘Hotel California playing in my head the whole of today afternoon. I really hate when I have one particular song stuck in my head. Don’t get me wrong though, I love the song and I find the lyrics are quite poignant…. The verse goes like;

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Then, for some unknown reason, I started thinking about the dreaded friend-zone (for men anyway. I don’t know if there is a sister-zone for us lasses. Maybe some of you guys could elaborate here?) Anyway, the lyrics just reminded me of the friend-zone (a.k.a bro-zone?) and all I kept picturing the song going as (LQTM):

Welcome to the bro-zone/friend-zone
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the bro-zone/friend-zone
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here…

…..We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave…

What IS the Friend-Zone anyway??? And how is it different from the bro-zone? Are they one and the same thing? I’ve seen lots of men complaining on the social networks about women putting them in the bro-zone, and the friend-zone.

The friend-zone is a platonic relationship where one person wishes to enter into a relationship, while the other does not and is considered to be an undesirable situation by the lovelorn person. It’s generally a very frustrating, very shitty place to be and is more commonly experienced by men than women though females have been rumored to arrive in The Zone on occasion. (Reports are unsubstantiated).

Bro-zone, on the other hand, seems to have a couple of meanings….

1. The circle of celibacy into which a woman places a male acquaintance she is not attracted to, such that she can continue to develop emotional connection with him without commensurate sexual involvement. In this situation, a male inadvertently becomes a ‘platonic friend’ of an attractive female with whom he was trying to initiate a romantic relationship.

2. It is when a woman is crowned “one of the guys.”…… Basically, it’s like the friend-zone, but somehow worse….. It’s when you are attracted to someone and they deem you a “bro.” You are no longer seen as a female with flowing hair and attractive curves. No. You are now seen as a guy who happens to wear a bra. You may think the bro-zone is an alright place to be, but it’s not. Sure, the guy now feels comfortable to spill his secrets with you. Sounds great, right? WRONG. These secrets, 90% of the time, are about other girls. The other 10% is about stuff you frankly just don’t care about in general as well as other gross things like scratching of the nuts, burping and farting in your presence… *shivers* Neither are good.

I have been informed that, apparently, “Friend-zone” generally describes the zone women put men in while “Bro-zone” describes the zone that men put women into. Still there is some cross-over with some confusion about which zone is which and which applies to men or women. Whatever. Let’s not get caught up too much on the descriptions.

So, the Friend-zone…… (Also known as the ‘Bro-zone’)… a disease plaguing men all over the globe. Many men are or have been infected by the disease. What is it? Well, basically, it is a state the man has been put into by a woman after a failed attempt to start a relationship.
What does this mean? Honestly? It means you’re fucked. It means that she’ll tell you “Hey, you’re a great guy!!!,” but is really thinking “But I’m gonna hold out for someone greater.” After all is said and done, she’ll decide she wants to keep you around because you’re “Mr. nice guy.” You’ll be stuck hearing statements like, “You are such a sweet guy”, “Why aren’t there more guys like you?”, “You’re such a good friend…”And about a million other derivatives of that statement, some being said at this very second as you read this…. You also get to watch her cry over her, mostly failed, relationships with other guys who, let’s face it, are almost always douches and you get to be their shoulders to cry on, pick them up when they get stood up, drop them for dates with said douche-bags….. The list is endless…. The friend-zone is NOT a good place to be at.

Doomed: Mr. Nice Guy…

I ‘fess up….. I have placed a couple of guys in the friend-zone ever since my eyes opened up (and my hormones finally kicked in…) and I discovered the male species (It was rather late and in all honesty, it’s mostly because my Ma had me so scared of boys! My Ma put in into my head and had me totally convinced that if I so much as looked at a boy, let alone allowed a boy to touch me, {God FORBID! *Crosses self*}I’d end up pregnant. And with twins, no less! Partly also because I was such a geek, and an introvert growing up….my head was always buried in a book or my ears covered by my head-phone, listening to music and minding my own business…. Remember those days of the Walk-man? Yeah….those were the times…. ☺ I’d gotten the walk-man as a gift for doing well in school and I remember discovering 3T and Soul4Real…. and I used to walk around with this BIC biro pen to rewind the cassette tape coz you didn’t want to re-wind it using the machine lest you drained your very expensive batteries! Then later I discovered Rick Dees….. ☺ and thus begun my love-affair with music….. Sigh )

Most women can get sex anywhere, any time and any way they want it. The problem is, for us, sex is tied up with emotions. The female brain works very differently. It quickly “Either – Or’s” any guy it encounters. Either he’s going to be a lover or he’s going to be a friend….. The result? It’s infinitely easier for women to place men into the category of “friends” rather than admit them as lovers. This works out wonderfully for the woman because she can reap all the benefits of having a man around without the entanglements that sex brings to the table. 🙂 Women can be such evil geniuses I tell you! Speaking for myself, once I place a man in the friend zone – he isn’t coming out of it. Of course this doesn’t mean the poor chap is now gonna be my new BFF (Oh, hell NO! No one can replace my girlfriends!) but he is most certainly NOT gerring it either…..

I remember this stand-up comedy I was watching and Chris Rock goes like:

You know one cool thing about women, women get to have platonic friends. “He’s my pal, he’s my bud, he’s my platonic friend…I love him like a brother, he’s my buddy, my platonic friend.”
Men don’t have platonic friends. We just have women we haven’t fucked yet….!!!
I mean, we got some platonic friends, we go “Oh no, I got some but they all by accident – every platonic friend I got is some women I was trying to fuck, I made a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the friend zone – Oh No! I’m in the Friend Zone!”.

I guess it’s because men brains don’t work like women’s brains do. Since they generally aren’t as emotional, they aren’t burdened with the issue of separating friendship from sex. In fact, it’s just the opposite: When a man likes a woman, he naturally wants to express his feelings between the sheets, no?

So. Why? Why do women do this to men? A woman can place a man in the friend zone for various reasons….. I can’t speak totally for all women….but I can tell you a few reasons (some of which some women will NEVER, ever admit to! ☺ )

  • She’s just not attracted to you: Yeah, sure, you are funny and charming and kind and honest all things nice but the truth is you don’t rock her world. Sometimes it’s just the way it is – you don’t want to hit the sheets with every woman you meet after all, do you? At this point she may decide to spare your feelings (we know you men have fragile egos when it comes to some things….you don’t fool us ☺) and tell you she’d rather be friends… “Oh but we’re just friends! You’re like my brother…. I don’t want to ruin our lovely friendship”….or anything that sounds like that. Sorry guys, if you don’t rock her world, you don’t. Either get used to it and get rid of your romantic feelings for her and deal with the let’s-just-be-friends situation or cut your loses and move on completely.

You are in The Zone if….

  • Age: Most of us have no problems dating a guy older than us (within a certain limit, of course). A younger guy, on the other hand is murky ground… Mostly because there’s double-standards applied to dating and an older woman dating a younger guy is frowned upon while an older man dating a younger girl is actually celebrated! I may like a guy totally but the moment I discover he’s younger than I, the situation changes. If a guy is younger, some of us automatically relate them to our younger bros… and no one is gonna date their younger bro, right? Of course the situation is changing nowadays and I see more and more older women dating younger men….truth is though, most of us are still old-fashioned enough that a younger age automatically disqualifies you from our dating pool…. Ain’t nothing you can do about that fellas…. This is the Small-Bro Zone…. Chances of you leaving this one are very slim to none… Lol!
  • Arrogance: I’m sorry guys, but arrogance is NOT attractive or sexy. Nothing dries up the vagina faster than arrogance….(In fact, studies have been conducted that show arrogance as one of the leading causes of vaginal dryness. Other causes discovered include man-purses, lack of the mulla and questionable oral hygiene among others…) For me, arrogant guys are automatically friend-zoned, no matter what. I don’t care how big your dong is, how much of a stud you are, how much money you have…..the moment you are arrogant enough to think that because of that, you can get me, you practically flip off my switch. I remember this guy I met who I thought was cute and funny and he probably would have gotten it (maybe even sooner than he thought…. there was a, ahem, dry-spell situation going on…) but the bastard guy was arrogant enough to tell me to my face ‘I know you want me…just admit it. I’m gonna bang you soon…’ BIG MISTAKE….. *Door slams* Female boner totally flew at out the window and the guy was friend-zoned so fast, I bet his head is still spinning. We know you guys are arrogant….just don’t rub it in our faces please…. Comprende?

Can somebody say door-mat…?

  • You’re a doormat: She has relegated you to friend status because you’re way too nice, too accommodating and too ass-kissing. You are too available to her and she knows she can have you just by snapping her fingers. You follow her around like a moon-eyed puppy dog. You try too hard to impress her. She’ll keep you around because, let’s face it, which person is gonna turn down THAT. And some women are cruel enough to keep you around while feeding you some hope that one day she shall date you while seeing some other guy… see? Why burn down the bakery when she can have her cake and eat it, too
  • Tha Mulla: Unfortunately, money is a big factor for some women. If you don’t have it (or enough of it), odds are you’ll be dumped into the friend zone while she chases that jerk who has enough of it but most likely treats her like shit… Thankfully, not all of us think this way… There are some women out here who actually get up and go to work,, earn their own money and buy their own stuff instead of making their money on their backs and waiting to be done for every single thing….
friend zone sign

Danger… Friend Zone ahead…

  • All on you: Sigh. This pains us so….but guys, there are times, despite our very best intentions, you literally land yourself at the zone. Sometimes ending up in the friend zone is completely your fault – and no one else’s. If you don’t speak up about how you feel, you can’t expect the woman you’re into to read your mind and have enough balls for the both of you to make a move. If you’re too scared to respond to an obvious mating call, if your skull is too dense to notice the very obvious come-hither looks and actions she throws your way, don’t cry about them moving on to someone else, you have no one to blame but yourself…. There is only so much I can do to get you to notice me… (short of taking off all my clothes in-front of you and prostrating myself at your mercy. But let’s be realist, some idiots are such dolts, you’d drop your knickers and shake your booty in-front of them and they’d probably think it is too hot and you’ve found a new, albeit unconventional, way to cool yourself off…. Bah!) And shyness isn’t the only way you could fuck yourself into the Zone….. If you’re into someone who wants a commitment you can’t or refuse to offer, you better believe you’ll get put into storage dude…..
  • Timing: This one totally sucks. Maybe when you met, you were in a relationship. Or she was in one. And somehow you are never single at the same time… Or you met at a time when your priorities weren’t aligned… sucks all way round…..
  • Sex: Oh, the horror…. LOL! Sometimes you land in The Zone because you’re, for lack of a better term, otherwise challenged when it comes to the horizontal hokey-pokey…. Many a man have wondered how they landed in the ZONE after what initially seemed like a promising relationship…. But we were doing so well…she was into me….but we had SEX! How did I land at The Zone? Well, if you had poor game, sometimes a gal might just decide to friend-zone you rather than sleep with you ever again. lqtm…. Sex is such a complicated issue to deal with, especially when it comes to women….but the truth is, if what you had was horrible sex, no matter how much she likes you, you’re getting dumped in the friend zone. If I get more satisfaction from a full bladder that your, ahem, bedminton activities…things are thick…. :-/ I would rather be single than subject myself to mediocre sex… bring on the dry-spell, baby…. LQTM.

For whatever reason that you take a turn and find yourself at the friend-zone, all I can say is all is not lost…. 🙂 As a friend of mine, who is soooo in love it’s disgusting, recently said to me, the friend zone is full of potential….take another look at your friend-zone and re-evaluate why those people are in there. You might just find your gem there… 🙂 So here I am, re-thinking and re-evaluating my choices…..

We’re onto you, dear men…

I was bored….mindlessly trolling the internet a while back and I came across something quite interesting. I came across Cindy Gallup’s ‘Make Love Not Porn’ movement and my mind was practically blown. Now, for those of you who have never heard of her, Cindy Gallup is, for lack of a better term, a cougar. When this blessed lady was in her 40’s, she began dating (and having sex with) much younger men and unwittingly discovered that their bedroom playbook was a little too heavily influenced by porn. So this lady took it upon herself to rehabilitate and re-orient the young people back to the sensual ways of love play. My mind was blown. First thing I could think of was ‘FINALLY!!’ (and do an imaginary high-five….at which point my sister stared at me like I’d grown a breast on my face…) Anyway, this wonderful lady has made it her mission to teach us the difference between the “porn world” and the “real world”. ( I love this woman so much right now. Sigh.)

Now guys, we women have had similar experiences in the bedroom…and the truth is, some of us are too scared or too polite to say something about it. We think it, we even discuss it among ourselves (Yes guys, we discuss your peculiarities…. In detail…) but most of us will never come out and tell you. (Or maybe it’s juz me, I don’t know) Well fellas, the dam has been broken. Someone’s saying it… I can say it. Hopefully a few other women out there are going to feel confident enough to say it too…☻ It is time we (I?) confess. Gentlemen, we are onto you. We know you cast us in your personal porno fantasy on occasion. Lol!!! We are women, we can smell it a mile away, like we can smell fake Manolo Blahniks a mile away….. *Wink* (I know some of you be scratching their heads right now like Mano-whats? Save your scalps lads….Yeah, those are just really well made shoes that cost about my whole year’s salary for a pair. They make us women go all goo-goo gaa-gaa. Some women have been known, on occasion, to wet their knickers at the sight of a pair, even at the very thought of owning a pair…. They make an aaaaawesome gift. Especially if you are trying to buy your way back into a woman’s heart…) I digress…. Most of the time, we’re too polite to say anything and we either choose to attempt to play the part … or not. Don’t get me wrong now….. sometimes we’re into it, too. Like totally… Even initiate it…. *Wink* But the truth is times women feel overwhelmed by the unrealistic expectations. So, we are putting you on the spot, Gentlemen… ☻☻ ☻ It’s about time you come up with some original stuff…. Again, don’t get me wrong. I am not anti-porn… I’m not. I have indulged, on occasion…. ☻ I just think that some porn is so unrealistic and it makes some of us common folk feel like we are failing at sexual intercourse and therefore, life!!

So anyway, what are some of these things I’m talking about?

  1. The On-The-Knees BJ: Of all ways to give BJs, the most uncomfortable one is being on your knees. If you’re going to be down there for more than five minutes (and ya’ll know a proper one is gonna take more than 5 minutes….no?), your knees are going to start aching like holy hell. But, as it’s depicted in porn, we women love being down on our knees moaning and squealing for as long as it takes while our heads are being held and forcefully moved to and fro…… Nope. No. Yaya. Uh-uh. Nej. Dim. Hapana. Not fun. And while we are on that subject… Not all of us appreciate having our heads grabbed and having your dong shoved forcefully down our throats. No we don’t. Neither do we like the gagging, choking or damn-near-suffocation that goes along with that… If you are gonna do it, please, do check if she’s into it first…
  2. The Enthusiastic Hand Job: ☢ Hand jobs are just boring in real life. *Yawn* Always. And they make your arm hurt after a while. And if you have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, that ish hurts like hell…..Don’t let those video tell you otherwise.
  3. Girlfriend Action: No, we’ve never made out with our best friend. No, we don’t plan to or want to. No, she’s never going to stop over, have pizza and a few drinks with us and have a threesome with us. We wonder where you got that idea… P.S: Some of us are curious about the whole girl thing but you’ve gotta know IF we make out with a girl, then it’s definitely not our best friends! There is no way I want to see my best friend doing the hokey-pokey with you. There is no way I want to share your dong with MY BEST FRIEND…. She’s my friend…there’s no way I’ll ever look her straight in the face after I’ve watched your genitals touching. Banish that thought and move on please…
  4. Watching Us Pleasure Ourselves: Hahahahah. Sorry, I’ve gotta laugh first. Hahahaha…..hehehehehe…. The porniverse is full of women who masturbate upon request. Gad damn, sometimes they don’t even need a request! They’re just hanging out on their beds in the middle of the day waiting to masturbate play with themselves… I hate to burst your bubble Lads, but when we play with ourselves, it is not a production. We DO NOT set a time in our schedules to do the naughty. Neither do we wear high heels in bed as we play with ourselves…. hehehehe… It’s really awkward when you ask us to perform masturbation. It puts undue pressure on us….. Don’t do that. Now, on the other hand if I’m feeling freaky enough, I may just invite you to, ahem, spectate? LMAO. But that’s not an errday occurence guys… It’s like blue moon.
  5. The Facial: Guys…*sigh*….the truth is, most women find this messy (What?? Let you unleash a load on my 47K weave/extensions {sic}) and quite frankly, degrading. Those video girls look quite content with the jizz on their face…. in real life? Imma be rushing off to the bathroom to wipe that ish off… (But not with water…that makes it stick to the face like glue)
  6. Fingering: Oh Lawdy Lawd, don’t even get me started on this one! I think whoever invented this whole fingering business needs to be taken out to the backyard and shot twice in the head. And in the genitals, just for good measure. Gentlemen, not all women like fingering. In the videos, all a guy has to do is to start sticking his fingers into a woman and she’s raring to go… NO. Nyet. Aucun. Nicht. ¡No. કોઈ. नहीं. Onge. There, I do not think I could say it any stronger than that. In real life, kissing and touching, and fondling the boobies (gently! not like you’re finyaing some ugali and managu. Eish!), suckling the nipples and licking (all over….whenever, wherever…. and for some reason now that Whenever song by Shakira is playing in my head. That woman has got hips for days! And she can move that waist! Which reminds me, Sommore advises that all women should thank our mothers for teaching us how to hoola hoop. Comes in very handy apparently… *Wink* My Ma didn’t teach me. I need to go get me one of those hoop things….) And besides, why would I need your fingers fumbling about, poking and hurting me in my sensitive regions when I have ten perfectly functioning fingers of my own that know their way about??? Bah! And Gawd help you if the guy has poor hand hygiene and unkempt nail. Bacterial vaginosis….Yeast infections… Tears and lacerations…. UTIs…. uuurgh!
  7. Squirting: Oy! *Takes deep breath* Ok. I read in some deranged blog written by some equally deranged UG guy who basically states that Kenyan men are somehow less than their UG counterparts because they cannot make their women squirt. Some women can squirt. Some women cannot squirt. That is it, Lads. It’s that simple. There is no trick about it. Fact: An orgasm is just as good even if we do not turn into human fountains…. Fact: You are not some wizard if you make it happen. (Screw you, random, deluded UG guy. You and your blog.)
  8. Opening The Boot: Now, now Gentlemen, unlike the ready, willing and able buttholes of the porn ladies, real women’s buttholes tend to be a bit harder to work with. Professional girls make anal play look fun. (and easy too!). In real life it’s much more painful and messy. Don’t even get me started on the anal fissures. And the hemorrhoids. And the prolapsed rectums. Uuurgh! I’m not saying all women are against this form of sex…. I’m just saying, confirm first. Some of us women are of the mindset that there are entrances and there are exits…. Use them properly, as they are intended. And don’t be going, trying to sneak it up on me neither! Ati we’re in the middle of the doggy and kumbe you’re there plotting how you’re gonna open my boot! Then you try slipping it in ati you got confused about where to put your dong!!! (hahaha! We know the tricks!) Stop that guys! That being said, if y’all are agreeable on the matter, carry on you naughty children, you…

Sex should be easy and fun….

I should include a disclaimer….I have not been involved in the hanky-panky for a while. Like, A WHILE…. I am not even sure I know what goes on in the bedroom anymore! Hehehehe. I bet you kids have come up with newer, more creative things to do. I’m not even sure I want to know them! I think at this point I’m using the dry spell as a shield…. SMH. Help might be required here…

Anyway, making love should be easy, fun and leave you slightly breathless, even dizzy….. just like playing hopscotch. If you treat it like it’s a chore, then it’s not making love. If you go forcing stuff that your partner is not comfortable with, it’s not making love either. For men and women, love-making starts in the head and ends in the heart. Our bodies are just a tool we use to express it. The thing is to try to be intuitive about your partner’s needs…. their likes and their dislikes and tailoring your activities to that. And don’t be selfish, NO ONE likes a selfish lover.

P.S:

Every had bad sex? Really, really bad sex…..Sex so horrible it makes you want to retire your genitals permanently? Like my best friend told me about this guy she had sex with who would…..ah hell, this is gonna be a long one, it requires its own page….

Cheers people. *Polite fist-bump*

Why do men cheat?

Why do men cheat? That is the million dollar question that women (and some men ☺) have asked over decades, centuries even… I have heard all manner of reasons as to why men are unfaithful. A few include:

1. All men are cheats/dogs

2. It is in their DNA, they are biologically predisposed to cheating…

3. A man is basically as faithful as his options

4. It’s a grass thing….it’s always greener on the other side.

Women always ask “Why do men cheat?”

I am not gonna presume to know what is in men’s minds when they cheat. What is considered cheating anyway? I guess the definition of cheating can be a little different depending upon your own personal beliefs. Some people use the word cheating in different situations like when their spouse or partner looks at another person, when there is kissing involved, when emotions are involved or sexual contact, no matter what level… Sigh. The definitions are many and they are varied.

Being a single, twenty something year old lady, I have had my fair share of married men hitting on me. Some I really liked, some I was simply grossed out by. Some came right out and disclosed they’re married, others hid it and I found out by myself. My contact with these guys has simply killed my faith in the institution of marriage by the way. Some of them even had beautiful wives (and you know how difficult it is for a woman to acknowledge that another woman is beautiful! Lol!), strong career wives, women with their high-profile jobs, yellow-yellow (come on, y’all know that yellow women are considered to be prettier than us, more chocolate lasses!), beautiful children…..the works! What are some of the best excuses I have heard for why they were stepping out? Let me share.

1. I do not know how I ended up married: Oh, this is a common one. Apparently we women sometimes rush the men to the altars without their knowledge or full consent. Hahaha. Damn. One guy said “You women sometimes can decide to rush a guy! You make plans and you decide what you want for the guy and BAM, before we know it, we’re married!’ He said he honestly had NO idea how he ended up married. It’s like he woke up one day and found himself at the altar. His words, not mine. One year down the line, a dude is still trying to come to term with the fact that he is married! *Yes, I’m shaking my head still*

Is there a cheating gene?

2. Resentment:……She ruined MY plans for MY future. One of my really good friends said he resents his wife because she basically made him put him plans aside in order to get married. He had plans to leave the country, get a Master’s degree in some thing or the other when, BAM! she got pregnant. His family would not let him not fulfill his obligations so he basically cast the plans he had aside, got married and settled down to raising the kids. Side note, gentlemen, lemme tell you the truth that no woman is ever, EVER gonna admit to (and I’ll probably get lynched for letting out the secret) NO woman is EVER gonna become pregnant if she does not want to. EVER! Hakuna stories of it was an accident. It wasn’t. I forgot to take my pills. She didn’t. We got carried away. NO you didn’t. Please, with the million and one excuses that we have perfected to avoid having sex, you think a woman’s gonna get carried away so much she forgets to be safe? *And here I snort in a rather unladylike fashion* She didn’t know her safe days. That is why there is the emergency pill and if it’s really bad, there’s abortions. (And before y’all pro-life guys skin me alive go HAM at me for suggesting abortion, I’d like to clarify that my including it here does not in any way mean that I support it. I am just stating the facts. My girlfriend became once got pregnant, she had an abortion and the boyfriend, now husband, never knew. Still doesn’t. That is the point I’m trying to put across) Bottom-line, Fellas, if she got pregnant, and is keeping the baby, she wanted it. Don’t be fooled. On a related topic, why do we women do that??? Get pregnant with the hopes of trapping some man into marriage? *Another derisive snort* It wont work, you’ll never know if he really married you for the baby or for yourself… In the case of my friend, he had to give up his admission to a prestigious university abroad and get married. Funny thing is, he had long made up his mind to marry her. He just resents the fact that she fast-tracked the whole situation and the fact that he gave up his dreams. And you know resentment doesn’t go away… it just grows and grows and grows like some festering, deep, septic wound… Ladies, give the man some time to make up his mind. Don’t KO him and drag him to the altar….

3. She’s a Ball Buster/Nag: Apparently nothing will drive a married man into the arms of another woman faster than a nagging wife. I’ll give an example… My other pal complained the other day about the wife’s behavior during the Safaricom 7s. I may be wrong, but women too can love sports. That is a good thing, right? We have something to bond over, no? The issue is when she obviously does not love an activity that he likes, in this case rugby, yet she insists on tagging along for whatever activity, then gets bored and starts bitching while the guy is actually having a good time!! He was so mad! Apparently the lady nagged the whole damn time until they had to leave and go have some nyama choma somewhere (Which ordinarily, he’d love but in this case hated because it meant he had to leave the 7s stadium) This happened on Saturday, it was Tuesday and he was still mad! Ladies, ladies, ladies….sigh. If you know you do not like the same activities, let it be. Let him go out and enjoy himself. Either learn to like whatever it is, or learn to give him some time to enjoy what he likes. That way, he come home happy, you bang his brains out, can somebody say win-win? Give him space ladies… do not be that nag who even his friends or work-mates doesn’t want to hang out with… remember that story where we’re told the tighter you hold onto something, the more you suffocate it? The tighter you hold onto a fistful of sand, the more the sand runs out through your fingers? Yeah, let him have something all to himself…

4. She let herself go: Personally I think this is a bullshit reason. I’m not gonna be, or look twenty forever. I personally think that if you let yourself go, don’t expect me to look like Adriana Lima (that woman can so gerrit and keep it by the way). If you look like a 6 month pregnant lady, then I think it’s only fair that I develop some thunder thighs to go with that. You expect me to look good, move your ass too and let’s both be in shape….otherwise shut your trap be quiet and deal with my thighs and the cellulite and the smelly stocking on my head. Nkt. Of course this doesn’t explain the scenario of a man with a really hot wife cheating with a woman who looks like my beat shoe…. Cue Tiger Woods who is a perfect example of a man whose wife is way, waaaay hotter than those tramps he was screwing around with…

why-do-men-cheat

On average, men want more sex than women…

5. Sex: Yes, the big one. SEX. Women tend to lose interest in sex once they get married! I heard this chic say “I’m only getting married so I don’t ever have to have sex unless I want to!” Goddamn! Sorry, I’ve just gotta take a minute and laugh again at that statement. Still, let’s face it. Men want more sex than women. (Mostly. There’s some freaky women out there to!) Of course when their partner is tired from wrangling kids all day or unwilling to try new things, even the most loyal hubbies get bored and go looking for that nookie… The other scenario is the woman using the sex as a bargaining chip. Eti, wacha i deny him to teach him a lesson and other mis-guided shit thoughts. Truth is ladies, if you aren’t sleeping with him, you better believe that wicker is being dipped somewhere else… Letting your man go months and months without sex and you expect he won’t stray? Bitch Lady, is you crazy? A human being can only hold out so far…. I heard a real woman does not leave her man leave the house hungry or horny. If you do, ole wako. Even the most straightest, saintly of men can fall into temptation… (Reminds me of a joke. This guy walks into a room to find his girl and friend going at it like rabbits. Of course he goes like ‘What’s going on here?’ And she’s like, ‘Oh, it’s not what it looks like. It was an accident!’ and he replies, ‘What? You tripped and he fell?’ LQTM.) Ride that joystick women. Or someone else is gonna do it for you. And not all women out there are moral enough to refuse to sleep with a married man….
There are loads and loads of other reasons why men cheat, like the thrill of the chase, lack of communication, oh she doesn’t ‘get me anymore’, it’s in the biology, looking for variety or simply cheating because you can… Whatever I’ve written is by no means exhaustive….Whatever the reason is, it still remains a personal choice. I am in no way suggesting men should cheat on women. I’m being realistic here, these are the reasons guys cheat. All I’d implore you is please be safe. HIV (and other nastier crap) is out there. While in a relationship, both parties need to recognize that it’s a partnership that requires communication, compromises, and flexibility. Women, don’t be the reason your man strays. Men do not enter a relationship with the intention of cheating, something causes it. If you are the cause, correct it before it’s too late. Men, don’t be a slime ball, talk to your wife and you’d be surprised how much change the communication and honesty makes. And keep your pants zipped!

But then again, What do I know? I’m a twenty-something year old woman with a good job, not lacking much yet I’m still single and haven’t been laid in over a year. Life is a bitch, aye? ☺

Whatever the reason for cheating, it always leads to heartbreak and mistrust.

P.S:

Oh yeah. Men? Women cheat too. ☺