Eagle Eye: State Of The Womb.

Today I was thinking back about my life in the last couple of weeks and I realized that I have become cynical. And jaded. And I’ve pretty much lost interest in life and people in general. Well, it’s either that or I’m just perpetually tired and bored. 😀 I remember the days I was back in high school and in university and I especially remember how my classmates, and most people in general (and this includes even my teachers) considered me one of the craziest, boldest and funniest people ever. Now I sit and I wonder what happened to that girl?? Where did I take her? Somewhere along the lane, I lost that girl and sometimes I find myself feeling so nostalgic and missing her. If I ever met her, I’d have so many questions to ask her!! |Like, how did she manage to be that carefree, that bold, that confident. Maybe I lost pieces of her as I gathered up the years. Nowadays, I feel so old! My excuse for avoiding literally everything is ‘Gosh, I’m so old.’, ‘Oh, no,  I’m too old for that stuff now.’ ‘Hahaha. I can’t do that at this age.’, ‘Hahaha! Do you know how old I am??’ I think I might have just found a safety blanket in age. The truth is, I just don’t have much social energy anymore. And my inner introvert is winning. She’d rejoice about it. Although I don’t think introverts rejoice in anything! She’d just sit, calmly cross her legs and smile just a bit and consider that a celebration.

Anyway, one of the ladies at work asked me the other day what was wrong and when was I finally gong to have a child? I tried to downplay it and told her I’m just too busy to think about children just yet. And this lady goes on like ‘But you’ll soon be too old to have children. Just have one and let us raise it for you as you pursue your dreams… A woman cannot be a woman without a child!’ I honestly did not know how to react to that statement. I was, in turns, angry, sad and even amused. How dare she presume to think we’re close enough for her to ask me about a thing as intensely personal as when I am having a child?? I mean, we are JUST co-workers after all. I assume that the reproductive state of my uterus shouldn’t really be any concern of hers. And of course there is that age-old notion that a woman is not complete without a child at her bosom or on her back, no matter her accomplishments… so OF COURSE I was upset that she was in some way telling me that I haven’t achieved anything with my life as I do not yet have a child. Then of course I felt sad because it saddened me that someone would judge me based on such a thing. And amused because it simply occurred to me that her opinion was 1) a really narrow-minded, and frankly out-dated, way of thinking and 2) her opinion was never going to change the plans I have set out for myself and finally 3) her opinion bored me. I bore easily nowadays. Sigh. It amazes me that, to this day and age, a woman’s greatest achievement is having a child, or children depending on how strong she is! Why should the fact that I have not turned my uterus into some sort of incubation pod for the satisfaction of society overshadow the fact that I have helped to take care of my parents? Or helped to put my siblings thorough school? Or even put myself through school? Achieved things that a woman was long thought not to be able to achieve or do? And why, oh why, do people feel like it is absolutely alright and well within their rights to comment on the childless state of my womb?? I mean, really, think about it. It’s almost the same amount of disrespect I feel when people comment on my weight like when someone feels the need to tell me how much I need to join a gym. And, sadly, some of the people are just fake concern trolling you. Some people feel the, really sad, need to point out the ‘imperfections’ in your life so that theirs seems well put-together, perfect even… You do not need to put someone down in order to shine. Urgh. Some time ago, this guy I worked with mentioned to me how just perfect I was for him to take home to his mother. And then he proceeded to add, ‘All we need to do now is get you to join a gym and everything shall be perfect.’ This, at a time when I was actually already signed on to a gym membership for a whole freaking year. Unfortunately, he caught me on a day when, ahem, let’s just say the stars and the moons and the planets were not in sync at all… haha. 😀 I answered something to the effect of ‘Listen, mister. You do not feed me. You do not pay my rent and neither are you significant in any way in my life. You do not help me carry this body you feel is too large around so please, until the day I shall walk up to you and ask you to please help me carry these arms, this ass or these thighs, and you would be so lucky anyway if I ever deemed you important enough to ask such a thing, then, and only then, mister, may you feel the need to comment on the size of my body.’ I think he might have gasped for air for a minute after that. I’m not usually that scathing… really, I promise. I’m cute and really, really cuddly. At least that’s what my girl friends keep telling me. One more than the others, I suspect because she wants to lay her head on my bossom… hahaha.  I’m kidding. But they’re my friends and I suspect they occasionally lie, eeerrr, smooth over the truth, to me to make me feel good about myself. I love them. They’re few but very cherished. (Hey , B! L! J!, I know you’re reading this. I knew you were, the moment I noticed the stats on the blog were on an upward trend… I doubt anyone one else would read or listen to my mindless ramblings except you girls. Much love! :-* ) Anyway, I digress. But seriously, I AM cuddly…

So, my womb, my business. That’s really all I am trying to put across…

1. I am not any less of a woman just because I have not snagged myself some man and popped a few brats. You do not know my plans, my struggles or my life, therefore, please quit with the how-active-is-your-uterus narrative. And quite honestly, I do not feel the need to put my uterus, my body, and yes, my vagina, through the arduous process that is a pregnancy just to please anyone.

2. My accomplishments, my success, they are not any less thrilling to me or my family just because I do not have a child to share it with. My priorities are just not YOUR priorities. Children are NOT the ultimate achievement of a woman.

3. Errrr, NO! I am not a bitter childless woman, just stop with that sentiment. Idjit! I know some nincompoop right now is about to bring that up. I have had opportunities , I get opportunities almost everyday, to have a child if I want… women get served dick with almost everything!

‘Hey T, you look so good today…. Would you like some dick with that?’, ‘T! you smell so good! Would you like some dick with that?’, ‘Jeez T, you’re so smart. And funny. And just all-around really cool. Would you like some dick with that?’

:-D. I am just not ready yet. Give it some time… 🙂

4. Finally, MY womb, MY decisions… Unless you share the pain with me every month when it decides to assault me and I can barely sleep because of the pain… and don’t even get me started on the bloody blood. (You see what I did there? haha. I know, I know. I might need prayers… I amuse myself in the most weirdest of ways.) Anyway, where was I? Yes, the womb, MY WOMB. The day I shall deign to let a foetus crawl in there with its blankets and whatnots and take over my life and my body for nine months, I shall be sure to let y’all know… Or not. Depends on how the moons and planets are aligned. 😀 Until then , it is none of  anyone’s business. Stop with the watching me like an eagle and find something productive to do.

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Judging the covers…

I was having a lovely day. Well, at least a lovely morning. The weather has been chilly of late but in all honesty, I do love the cold, gloomy weather. I find it much easier to keep warm than to try cool down on a hot day. I am one of those people who very rarely feel cold. So even on a cold day, I’ll be up and about in my usual clothing while everyone else is all bundled up trying to preserve whatever heat they have and they keep wondering how comes I’m not cold! Hot weather is very uncomfortable for me. I feel like a sweat messiah with the amount of sweating that goes on! I shall not even bother getting into the amount of deo I use in the hot weather or how many times I need to shower in a day just to be comfortable. Chilly weather, yay! So why are we discussing weather anyway? Because I noticed a trend… whenever I’m doing my thing, walking around without a sweater or a jacket, guys wonder, some of them quite loudly, to my face, how comes I’m able to do that. The one thing I have always noted to be blamed, or credited, for my resistance to cold is my size. “Oh, you’re so lucky you are big so you don’t feel cold. Man, I need to put on weight too so that I can be like you…” I find that people are rather insensitive when it comes to weight issues. Girl, you need to hit the gym, you should diet, you should do this, or do that. Or, Girl, you need to eat a burger or something, hold on tight, the wind might just blow you away… I get a lot of the former. And for the longest time, I used to be incredibly hurt by such comments. I used to hate going out clubbing or being in the general public with my skinny friends. They feel the need to give diet advice. People you randomly meet feel the need to do the same. People who don’t even know who you are. Making assumptions. Making condescending comments like they know who you are what your life is all about or your struggles. I’d feel inadequate when we’d be in a club partying away and my friends would get picked up by dudes one by one and suddenly I’m there all alone, staring at a drink that I don’t even like, hanging out in a club virtually by myself, feeling more lonely than I’d feel if I was curled up in bed with a nice Sandra Brown novel… So I slowly changed. Became a loner, learnt to enjoy my own company, learnt to entertain myself, I slowly found things that I loved that didn’t require company to accomplish…  I transformed my initially  jolly, bubbly, happy self into introvert who avoids crowds at all costs and finds company (unless we’re friends) quite tedious. I tried just about everything, some things even dangerous, except perhaps surgery, to change my size but nothing worked so far. It really is cruel to be in a perpetual state of hunger yet people assume that the reason you are the size you are is because you gobble everything edible in your sight. And somehow this was still not enough. In this day and age where the whole world is in your house with you, in your bedroom, your bathroom , courtesy of social networks, I found that I was just avoiding the problem, not dealing with the root of the problem. Which was that I was not secure with myself. I barely had a spoonful of self-esteem left in me… And I don’t know exactly where or when or even how it happened but I woke up one day and I just said enough is enough. I was tired of letting other people’s opinion of me dictate my opinion of myself. And since then I have never looked back.

Now, when guys say I’m lucky I am fat and therefore cannot feel the cold, I just smile and nod in agreement. Now, I can make jokes about it too, tell them it’s difficult for me to feel cold because I’m well padded. I have grown and I have matured. I have learnt to be comfortable in my own skin. I learnt to keep those disparaging voices out. And for the first time in my life, I learnt what a wonderful thing it is to have self-esteem…. That I can wake in the morning be happy, proceed to have a nice day and not wait for another person to be the source of my contentment and happiness. That I don’t have to do things simply because I want people to like/love me. Seeking approval from other. I have also learnt to deflect. I make fun of myself. I laugh at myself. I judge myself. You’d call it self-deprecating but I simply see it as being in a place where I am comfortable enough in my skin. I joke about my weight. I joke about my big thighs and my big ass because the truth is, there is no one in this world who can judge you more harshly than you judge yourself. And when you have reached a point where you have judged yourself and accepted who you are, there is nothing someone, anyone, out there can tell you that can make you feel bad. There is nothing you can tell me that can worse than the things I have told myself. There is no insult you can hurl at me that’ll hurt worse than the ones I hurled at myself… I learnt that you have got to love yourself because the world out here is cruel and ain’t nobody got time to deal with your bullshit AND their own BS. Not for long anyway… And I also learnt to stick up for myself. You think I’m fat? Yeah, well, you’re bow-legged and you don’t see me going on and on and on about how that somehow makes you less of a human being! (I once actually told someone that to their face. A dude was in shock! The mean streak in me loved it! )

One of my pals forwarded me an article yesterday that made me feel like the author was my alter-ego. Or my best friend. Because she was discussing the very same issue of being comfortable and even (gasp!) happy with yourself. Because you have learnt yourself. You know your shortcoming, you know your strengths, you know you limits and you are okay with yourself like that. And I was so inspired. The original article is here if you may want to read it but I’m going to re-post it. Here goes:

I want to talk about something I will call “uglyism”. It’s a form of discrimination that is rarely spoken of, yet those discriminated against are entirely faultless and it crosses gender, race, age and sexuality. The word “ugly” is, well, ugly. Phonetically I find it rather pleasing. Perhaps I shall work to reclaim it.

I am ugly, and I am proud.

There is a huge difference between being “attractive” (which is very subjective) and being “good-looking” (still subjective, but I think less so).

It makes people very uncomfortable if you describe yourself as being “ugly”. Social mores seem to dictate that they must respond in a Pavlovian way with, “No, you’re beautiful“. And it gets awkward.

The fact is I don’t see people in magazines who look like me. I don’t see people like me playing the romantic lead or having a romantic life. People on TV and in films who are not good-looking are rarely portrayed having sex, enjoying sex, having sex with good-looking people who don’t regret it or having a healthy attitude to sex without hang-ups.

But, you know what? I do have sex. And I have had sex with some really good-looking men. Not because they were doing me a favour. Not because they felt it was a charitable act. Not because they were drunk, or doing it for a bet. But because we fancied each other.

Now, in my 30s, after many years wrestling with feelings of inadequacy, I’ve realised that aesthetic beauty really is only the tip of a very large and attractive iceberg.

Moreover, I am thankful. I love my lumpy body and my funny face. I have also learned to appreciate the benefits of not being aesthetically too pleasing. These include:

1. I know that friends actually want to spend time with me, not just a glamorous accessory.

2. I have a robust and individual personality as I have never been able to rely on what I look like to make friends.

3. I don’t get leered at in the street or groped in pubs.

4. I am not worried about “losing my looks”. The pressure, particularly on women, to grow old without actually ageing is ridiculous. It must be very difficult to have been an exceptionally attractive person, and to have used that to your advantage, and to watch that power fade with every wrinkle.

Still think uglyism isn’t a thing? I could give countless examples. Here’s just one. Recently, a friend tweeted this:

“My reaction when I realise its [sic] Monday is similar to that when the not-so-hot girl would pick me at the school dance.”

Guess what? Being fancied by someone ugly doesn’t affect your attractiveness. Whether you find them attractive or not doesn’t affect the fact of the flattery. Just as if someone from a different race fancies you, it doesn’t affect what race you are. What’s more, personally, I don’t find this friend remotely attractive. What’s worse than an ugly girl fancying you? An ugly girl that doesn’t fancy you. Ha!

If I were “pretty”, I wonder, would I still be a stand-up? Is it easier to laugh at somebody with a funny face? If I were stunning to look at, maybe that would distract from what I’m saying?

Many reviewers describe my act as “self-deprecating”. My comedic persona is, like most comics’, an exaggeration of me. Yes, I refer to myself as being scruffy and world-weary, but these are qualities I love about me. It is only assumed by others to be self-deprecation. “How can she possibly say those things without being self-loathing?” Well, I’m simply not.

For the record, I like being me, as much as anyone likes being themselves. That is, not always, but enough of the time to get by.

The culture of body shaming is deeply rooted in us as human beings and I doubt that it is going to go away any time soon. And I am not just talking about just weight, though of course this is the one thing I am well versed in. I’m talking about the stereotypes… Like the assumption that a woman cannot be pretty AND brainy at the same time. If a pretty woman got anywhere in life, she did because she’s pretty. Of she used the age-old route of parting her legs. We sit down in the comfort of our homes and we judge and judge and judge. Oh, she’s too fat. No, he’s too short. No, he too skinny. No, she’s ugly. Granted, we all have our personal preferences… for example, I prefer to date guys who’re taller than me. There’s something about a guy that’s taller than you… it makes a girl feel petite. And God knows I could use every illusion of me being petite! Lol. But, this does not mean that I hate short guys. Or that I won’t talk to a guy who is short. Or I won’t associate myself with, or be friends with a short guy simply because he is short. Or that I shall make fun of a short guy and probably make worse any esteem issues that he may already have! On the social networks I see all sort of shocking things. People making fun of dark-skinned people, light-skinned people, short people, tall people, fat people , skinny people, people with short hair, people with long hair…. It’s exhausting to try to live up to people’s standards! You just cannot win. They say that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. (Or beer-holder, depends on who you’re asking! Lol!) And I get that. I just don’t understand this culture of shaming people just because they are not what you are, or because they are not what you believe is the standards of beauty. Dear God, now even NAMES have to be pretty! The other day, I watched online as a group of people attacked a lady because she has what they thought was and UGLY NAME! I just wish we could all get along. Let my personality be the issue… Get to know me first then hate me because I am liar. Or I’m a thief. Or I’m douche-bag…… because when you attack someone just based on their physical attributes, you are a shallow, narrow-minded, waste of human space. Yes, this is a tad harsh, but frankly I have no tolerance for such crap in my life. It would make a wee bit of sense if making fun of a person actually earned you something. Like money. But making fun of someone just so that you can feel better about yourself, that’s utter bullshit and I refuse to be convinced otherwise. And if making fun of a person who you think is somehow less of a human being because they’re not light-skinned, or tall, or short, or whatever else standards you may have applied, actually DOES make you feel better about yourself, then you, my friend, are sick. And you need to be on medication. Now, I’d like to sit here and think that now that I have put up this post and it’s been read, the world is gonna be one big happy family. But that would be akin to burying my head in the sand and leaving my ass sticking out. (And with the size of this ass, I’d probably end up causing an eclipse anyway.) We are all human, and this means that we are all fundamentally flawed. This, however, should not excuse ugly behavior. There IS something known as common human decency. And frankly, the world would be better off with a little more of human decency. And self-esteem. Lots and lots and lots of self-esteem. And love. And frankly, a whole lot of sex too. Protected sex. It’s gotta be protected sex. 😀

The Other Woman (Part 3)

So George called me today. Early in the morning,. I had just gotten out of the shower and was getting ready to heard out to work. My phone rang and I picked the call on reflex only to find out it is George. He just won’t quit despite everything we have talked about and how I have treated him. I confess, I have been quite rude to him on occasion. I blocked him from all my instant message services including Skype and he just won’t quit. I don’t pick up when he calls or reply his text messages and have pretty much asked him to leave me alone but he just won’t get it. It could be because I told him we can be friends because that’s pretty much all I can have with him. Maybe he figures if he’s persistent enough, I shall change my mind? And maybe I have, unwittingly, offered him some hope by telling him we can be friends? I don’t know. Anyway when we talked, I told him much of what I always tell him. I told him I’m not ready to me ‘the other woman’ with him. The broken promises, the cancelled plans, the sitting around waiting for someone to make time to see you while you cannot make any plans for fear that they might call and you won’t be available, having no one to reliably be there for you when you need help, compartmentalized lives, sex in HOTELS or motels! Seriously though, having sex in a hotel is one of the most disturbing things ever. Cheap motels and hotels are even worse. Nothing makes a woman feel dirtier and more used than that. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the Hilton you were at, nothing would make me want to scrub my skin raw under scalding water more than sex in a hotel. I thought it was demeaning the one time I actually tried it and I swore I would never again put myself through that. Ever. Bleugh! … Nuh uh… I am not doing that. Not ever. Been there done that, got the T-shirt, thank you very much. So, naturally, I figured today would be a good day to do the final bit of my ‘The Other Woman’ series. I have been a bit busy and you know how life is, sometimes it throws you a curve ball… It occurred to me that maybe three posts is a bit too much time to dedicate to one topic… but after thinking it over, I figured, what the hell… It’s something that’s bugging me and I might as well talk about it until I manage to get it out of my system. And honestly, we tend to talk about what we experience, right?

What do you do when you are caught in a situation where you have to choose between being the other woman and being alone? Frankly, I cannot tell you how you should carry yourself. That is an intensely personal decision that you have to make for yourself. But what you need to remember the reality which is that, a man doesn’t need to be unhappy with his relationship to cheat. If he is cheating inclined, he’ll cheat whether the going is good or bad. It’s not about her, it’s about him. They’re selfish, self-involved twats. He didn’t even see himself as a cheat and like majority of these men, he could very comfortably have lived his double life for as long as I would let him. Rationalizing the situation will only hurt you in the long term.

According to my current favorite author, Natalie Rue, you both need to be on the same page about the relationship. Are you still sitting pretty, wondering if he is ever going to leave his girlfriend/wife for you? Are you still asking him if he’s gonna do so? You can do this:

1) Make sure that when you have any discussions that they are definitive rather than being wishy washy: A lot of women don’t ask direct questions (they think they do though) because they are afraid of hearing bad news or pushing him too far. He needs to be pushed. Better you know where you stand now than find yourself still doing the same thing and having the same conversations several years down the line.

2) Be careful of setting deadlines. In fact, you should only set a deadline if he has said that he intends on leaving. Do not set deadlines that you are not going to follow through on. No matter how much you yell and scream, if you’re still with them afterwards, you look silly and he knows he doesn’t have to leave. Make the deadline realistic but not so long that it loses any meaning. Make sure you gain agreement, be clear on the terms, and be even clearer that it’s over if he doesn’t follow through. 3-6 months is optimum – the shorter the time, the better.

3) If you’ve been asking a lot, stop asking and be a woman of action. If you genuinely don’t want to share this man, don’t share him, and he’ll see that there are consequences and that if he wants to be with you, he has to man up. You are doing yourself a big favor in the long run. The best thing that you can do is believe in yourself – tell him to come back when he’s free to be with you. That may be never, but it’s better than waiting forever.

4) Remember that if their marriage/relationship is not working and they say it as over anyway, they are leaving for that reason, not just because of you. It’s important to remember this because should they leave, the worst types will keep throwing it at you that they only left because you told them to or do the whole ‘I left her for you so you should be grateful’ type thing, or even worse ‘You know how you met me! Why are you surprised that I’m sleeping with X, Y, and Z?’. Some people need a catalyst to leave and can’t end relationships on the basis of it not working – they need to have someone to go to.

5) Make sure you know what you want before you go down this road.

Sometimes you want them to leave because you want to ‘win’ – then you discover it’s a booby prize… If you’re OK with being with someone who has a wife/girlfriend, and particularly if it’s not the first time, you need to address your own issues with emotional unavailability and second best syndrome.

Have you thought it all through and you are still determined to be with the man? The love of your life? (sic) According to Miss Natalie Lue, here are some basic tips to help you survive being the ‘Other Woman’

1. Have your escape route from the affair planned. If you have any sense of self worth, don’t be banking on being the other woman forever. Either get the commitment you want and be the starring role instead of the understudy, or get out. Set a time limit and stick to it.

2. Don’t be burning up energy making empty threats. Sometimes an ultimatum is needed to bring things to a head, but if you have no intention of actually following through – you’ll look like a dipstick and then he knows that he doesn’t actually have to make a decision. An ultimatum is an ultimatum for a reason which means there should only be ONE.

3. Do tell a friend about the affair: Keeping things to yourself will be a big strain emotionally and you need someone who you can confide in, have sanity check with and who will also tell you that you should be doing better.

4. Don’t get pregnant in an attempt to force his hand. This is just about the WORST thing you could ever do to yourself. The only person you’re ‘trapping’ is yourself. A baby is for life…not for using as a tool to get what you want.

5. Get a life. Don’t make him the focal point of your existence and don’t be afraid to spend time on your own and certainly spend time with friends and family. The better you feel about yourself, the quicker you’ll come to your senses about being the other woman. Also if you make him the focus of your existence, it gives him supreme control and makes you very dependent on him. Not good!

6. Don’t be doing the chasing. How can you be spending so much energy running after a man who is throwing you the crumbs of his attention? Pfffffft.

7. Keep it real. You are the other woman, he belongs to someone else, this isn’t a good indicator of how much he can be trusted and he is probably having sex with his girlfriend/wife. This doesn’t mean he loves you – it means he’s greedy, indecisive, cowardly and/or a cheat.

8. Don’t disparage the girlfriend or wife. It will do you no favors and makes you appear to be jealous and childish. It’s a difficult situation but he is with this person and whatever reason he has come up with being with you and cheating on her, he hasn’t left her and he’s still with her.

9. Don’t turn into a stalker. The moment you feel yourself going off the rails and wanting to follow him, cut up his clothes, follow his girlfriend/wife, hang around at his kids school, fake pregnancies, fake diseases and any other devious or attention seeking carry-on, it’s time to abort the mission and bail out.

10. Don’t cope with being the other woman. Get out and be with a man that isn’t someone else. Take off the rose tinted glasses and particularly if you have been with him for an extended period of time, you need to let go. It doesn’t take that long to leave someone and he is emotionally unavailable no matter what he says. If he really did love you, he’d put himself in a position to actually be with you properly. Don’t let him convince you that he is the best you can do for yourself – you are better than playing second best.

That fear that many ‘Other Women’ have is that if they leave, he’ll think they don’t care or find someone else. If you’re worried that he’ll replace you with someone else to cheat with, it suggests he’s worth leaving…

The relationship cannot be just on his terms. Just like he expects you trust in him, he’ll have to trust that you’ll be there when he’s got his shit sorted out.

Lastly, if being with someone who is attached is against your core values and forces you to make a rapid departure from who you are, sidelining yourself and living on the fringes and in secret from friends and family, opt out now. If loving him means that you can’t love yourself, choose you. Always choose yourself. Who is going to take care of you, if you do not take care of yourself first?

PS: Natalie Lue is the author of the amazing books Mr Unavailable And The Fallback Girl, The No Contact Rule and The Dreamer And The Fantasy Relationship. You should absolutely check them out. They are available in paperback and as well as e-book format. This lady is the sh*t.

Forever The Other Woman? (Part 2)

This initially started as a one post thing but I got some feedback (Sigh. And some backlash) from some friends and a few other people (and some from a lot of random reading) and somehow it has gathered momentum and turned out to be a trilogy-type post! OK, fine, so maybe not a trilogy… Pfffffft. That is stuff best left to the likes of J. R. R. Tolkien. And maybe Robert Ludlum. I Like Ludlum. His Bourne books are just about one of the best trilogy I have ever read. And I mean the original Bourne trilogy, not the try-hard works of the shadow writer the estate employed to try and fill in the huge shoes of a master. The movies excellent too! Sigh… Matt Damon….. *More wishful sighing*

Anyway, where was I? Yes. Right now, there are thousands of ‘ladies-in-waiting’  in relationships; women who are willing, waiting, and hoping that the guy they’re with, will leave their girlfriend or wife for them. ‘Is he going to leave her for me?’;’When is he going to leave her?’ and ‘Why hasn’t he left her yet?’ It’s tough. You want to know that the pain and effort of effectively playing second fiddle, hanging on the sidelines, and having to operate on marginalized terms in your relationship with a married or attached man, is worth it. So you hang in there and you rationalize and you convince yourself that everything is alright. And what is abnormal soon becomes your normal. Being ‘The Other Woman’ (quite honestly, ‘The Other Man’ too. But I’m a woman and so I’m gonna speak from a woman’s perspective) means being perpetually disappointed, increasingly frustrated, miserable and very much second best. These men are very good at making you feel like they are giving you the earth, when in fact they’re giving you a spade full of dried up soil. You get sucked into the declarations of love, the rationalizing of his situation and the assumption that he clearly isn’t happy and that you are giving him what he needs and in the process end up doing a dis-service to yourself. The situations don’t always start out so dysfunctionally. Sometimes it starts out a simple happy-go-lucky, no-strings-attached kind of think that slowly but surely escalates into a difficult situation. I may not know much but I do know that no-strings-attached situations do not work. Not if you are a human being. For the many women who find themselves involved with an attached man, even though they start out feeling that they can handle things and can be ‘patient’ or may not even want anything more, as time progresses, feelings progress, and so does the desire for the ultimate validation in this situation – to have a man leave the another woman to be with you. When you share yourself continuously on such a personal, intimate level with someone, feelings are bound to develop over time. Then the arrangement can no longer work. Because one person always ends up wanting way more than the other one is willing to offer. And because you want ‘a return on your emotional investment’, sometimes you end up making up ridiculous assumptions that ultimately end up hurting you.

I was reading a book a while ago, Mr. Unavailable And The Fallback Girl and this author highlighted the most common assumptions we make in a way that I would not even want to alter. She says we choose to get caught up in illusions and believe that our relationships are being governed by exceptions and anomalies because we desperately want to be believe that our situation is different; that we are exceptions to the rule. There is no greater example of this than in the cheating situation. There are a few key assumptions that she believes women who go into ‘relationships’ with the cheater work off. These include:

1) If a man is prepared to risk his existing relationship in order to be with you, he must be crazy about you.

Note: A lot of cheaters get off on taking risks and playing truant on their relationships. They don’t like the normality that comes with the steadiness of a relationship or the wants, needs, and expectations that arise from it, so they seek their thrills elsewhere. Sometimes you’re like something they’ve just got to have but they haven’t really thought past winning you over to the bit where you expect them to follow through on their ardent pursuit.

2) If a man has got married or has a girlfriend it shows that he’s capable of commitment which in turn makes him a good catch.

Note: The fact that someone will cheat shows their lack of commitment plus this is a blind assumption based on another assumption, that all people get into relationships for the right reasons and are committed.

3) The reason why he can’t let go of you is because he finds you irresistible.

Note: Men who genuinely want to be with you and who have real trust, care, love, and respect, don’t try to resist you or deceive you. They sort their lives out to be with you properly. Sooner, rather than later.

4) You’re only taking on ‘The Other Woman’ role as a temporary position with the goal of being the main woman.

Note: This is basically like giving someone a ‘try before you buy’ option. You’re in the position of trying to prove yourself in the hope that one day, you’ll create the impetus for him to leave. Unfortunately the guy who will cheat on an ongoing basis and tie you up in a litany of whines and excuses about his ‘situation’, interprets the fact that you’ll be with him in spite of his other relationship, suggests that you have little or no boundaries and that you’ll be there anyway. He basically assumes he can ‘handle’ the situation should you create conflict.

5) If a man cheats it’s because there is something wrong with the relationship and/or his wife or girlfriend.

Note: Some people actually cheat because things are going ‘too’ well and they need to rebel. If someone doesn’t want to be committed, they will behave as they like, irrespective of whether they were with the Most Perfect Person on Earth.

6) They’re only deceiving the wife/girlfriend whilst being honest with you. *Derisive snort*

Note: Both of you have to be lied to, to maintain the deception.

7) The ‘Other Woman’ gives the cheater what he’s missing from his ‘main’ relationship.

Note: Snatched moments and compartmentalized time is not the same as being in a full time, committed out in the open relationship with all of the attendant reality and pressures that come with it. There’s a reason why the saying ‘best of both worlds’ exists!

8) Some relationship with this man is better than no relationship at all.

Note: This is like saying that crumbs is better than nothing and it’s all because you’ve managed to water down your expectations into nothing and have got trapped by your own feelings.

To give them credit, some men do leave their wives/girlfriends to be with the ‘Other Woman’ but it is the exception, not the norm. The reality is that:

1. You both need to be on the same page. More often than not, no matter what is being said, the actions in the relationship show that the ‘Other Woman’ and the cheater are not on the same page because she’s trying to take things to the next level whilst he’s trying to maintain the status quo. Why create more drama when you can have the best of both worlds and not be committed to either person?

2. Men are far more faithful to the wives and girlfriends than we give them credit for. He may dick around and dip his magic stick in every honeypot that passes him by but at the end of the day, he shall go back to her.

You had better be prepared for this reality.

Forever the other woman?

I have been in a funky mood for the most part of this week. I still am, actually. I am not exactly sure why but, well, I’m waiting it out. These weird moods come and go. Maybe it is because I have been on my period, oh, that is soooo cliche. So pedestrian. Lol. Or maybe it’s a mini depressive episode… Oh well, as I said, if I wait it out long enough, it always passes. I just dig in and hold on and it passes. 🙂 Though it could be why I have been so uninspired to make a blog post for a while now. I try to do a post regularly but the truth is, sometimes inspiration totally lacks.

Anyway, these last couple of days have been weird in other ways too. So this guy I used to see a while back. I have written about him before, if you follow my posts. Recently married guy, no kids, asking me to be his back-up, remember him? Yes, him. First, y’all need to answer a question. Does a guy (or a chic) qualify as an EX if y’all never got down to doing the nasty? You know, bumping uglies nshit…. 😉 Of course there was emotional involvement but that evaporated rather fast once I heard the guy’s proposal. Though, truth be told, it may not have really been emotions… Rather, a lust-filled, hormone-induced haze confused for emotions. And love. The genitals and hormones are preeeetty good at getting a person confused about lust and real emotions! Especially when you have been on a dry spell as long as mine… For real, I’ve been on a dry spell so long, I’m no longer sure how long it is. I stopped counting at some point. It was counter-productive. Lol. I was just thinking the other day that the only thing rivaling the dry spell is the size of my thighs. Followed very closely by my ass. These things are massive! You think I call myself Thunderthighs because it’s an awesome name? Ok, fine, so I think it is a cool name. Still doesn’t change the fact that my thighs are huuuge. Hehehehe. Oooooh, I smiled! I just made myself smile. This day might turn out well after all…

Anyway, excuse my rambling. I’m a loner by nature. I find very disturbing ways to self-entertain. 😀 So, back to this guy. Let’s call him George. I weighed the pros and cons of dating George and I decided it would be much safer for my heart for me not to date him. (and honestly, for my face too. I’ve heard one too many stories about how a woman’s face was disfigured my hot water or car battery acid by a jealous significant other once she was found out!) So I sat George down and I explained to him that the best we could ever be is friends. And he tried to change my mind but didn’t succeed. I tell you, this was a tough decision. He is an Adonis of a man!! *Wipes drool* Tall, dark, lean, killer smile, DIMPLES! and oh Lawd, Jesus Christ, Jehovah (Please forgive me for using this name in vain), those thighs!! Dhem Dhighs! Sigh. Even my girl friend got a tad confused by them sinewy thighs… My girl was supposed to be my objective, impartial adviser and here, instead, she ends up advising me to date the fella. Because of his thighs. The licking I woulda unleashed on to those thighs…. *Shaking head* Fast forward a couple of months down the line, George has started calling me again. He recently got a new job. Something he considers more prestigious than his old jobs. Collectively. Because he’s gone through a couple of jobs in the time that I have known him. And I think he kinda just wants to rub it in my face. I think his ego might have not accepted yet the fact that there IS a girl who can turn him down. (The whole glorious self that is him. A gift from the good Lord Himself to women. sigh.) Either that, or he thinks now that he’s earning more, I’ll change my mind and sleep with him. He couldn’t be further from the truth… Nothing dries up my vagina faster than a man flaunting his cash at me, thinking that he can have me because that he has so much money. Studies done show that the leading cause of vaginal dryness is pricks who flaunt their money. That, man purses and men in skinny jeans. Seriously though, you men who wear skinny jeans, where do you tuck your balls?? Are you not interested in siring babies? Because that tightness and the heat generated is guaranteed to cook your sperms nice and proper… Or do you not have any balls? Hhhhmmm… that’s a possibility. So anyway, George is trying very hard to get me to date him. Of course he doesn’t get that my genitals are attached to my brain therefore if my mind is made up, my genitals have to, no matter how reluctantly, put away those pompoms and batons they had gotten out to cheer him on… I just cannot deal with that sort of drama. I won’t.

Anyway, dealing with George has gotten me thinking a lot. (Yes. Thinking. Wipe that smirk off your face. Sometimes, very occasionally, it IS a good thing when a woman sits down and thinks!). And thinking has got me to notice a disturbing trend in my life. I seem to have a rather unhealthy number of taken men in my life wanting one thing or the other from me. I have only ever been in two relationships in my entire life. The first one was puppy love. We were together for ages… almost 5 years actually. And to this day, I am not entirely sure why we broke up. We just sort of drifted apart and then one day I heard that he got married! We still talk, of course, and up to today he still tells me I’ll always be the one and he’ll always want to bang me. But he’s married with a child. And he’s not planning in leaving his wife any time soon. That math does not make sense to me. Anyway, the second relationship was a disaster. It started out so well. This was after I’d been single for quite a while. So I was ready to give it my all. And I did. And it ended so abruptly, I think I still have whiplash… The ninja didn’t even have common decency to break up with me properly. He did it via text. With some lame-ass excuse about distance nshit. I think that might have damaged me more than I care to admit. And since then I have never been in another relationship ever again. That was 6 years ago. A fling here and there, yes. Relationship, no. I am cynical and skeptical and sometimes I am sure I am going to be forever alone. Half of it is because a very large number of the men who hit on me are taken. Either married or they have steady girlfriends. A few I have even liked back. Liked enough to contemplate trying a thing or two with them. I didn’t notice this until recently, and it got me asking myself, am I doomed to forever be ‘The other woman’? Do I give out some sort of ‘other woman’ vibes, scent or pheromones? Or do I look desperate? In as much as I sometimes think that I’ll probably be forever alone, I do, once in every blue moon, envision what it would be like to be in a happy, stable, MONOGAMOUS relationship. Seriously, in the last 6 months only, it’s like there’s been an epidemic of sorts. I met this one guy and he’s really cool. He’s not married but has a girlfriend. That automatically relegated him to the friend-zone. We get to hang out a lot and we like each other a lot. He thinks I’m cool, I think he’s cool, life is cool, yaaaay! we’re all cool. Sigh. After a while, he starts sending me IMs. And he’s all like, I really like you, you’re cool and awesome and sweet and sexy and I wanna do you so bad bla bla bla, you catch the drift. Long story short, he wants to have his way with me but at the same time, has told me to please go out there and get myself a man. Because he is taken. He has absolutely NO problem sharing me with another man. Which, incidentally, is what George told me. He’s all like ‘Baby, I know I’m married and therefore will not always be there for you when you need it. So I have no problem with you getting yourself another man who will be there for you when I am not available.’ O______o I was like, ‘WHAT???????’ Why would you be willing to share me with someone if indeed you love me as you claim??? I do not know much about love but I do know I would not be willing to share my one love with another woman! This is just plain greed. And lust. And gluttony all rolled into one. And I seem to be caught up in the web. I am not the conventional hot chic that most men seem to gravitate towards to nowadays. Tall, light-skinned, skinny. I’m short, 5 foot, 4 inches short, chocolate-brown and decidedly un-skinny! Biig boobs, big ass. Hahahaha. Yeah, definitely far from conventional. So, I meet these guys who DO have the conventional chic for wives/girlfriends and apparently that seems not to be enough to keep them from straying. What is it really? What? You get together with the conventional woman to show off like a trophy, satisfy your pride and your friends and your family so that no one makes fun of you then poke around in the bush looking for the exact opposite? Hide them so that you can satisfy your inner cravings while maintaining the facade… I don’t know, but whatever it is, it’s got me skeptical enough that I am not sure I want to get married. I was just thinking the other day about my life and trying to just get centered and headed in the some sane direction and it suddenly occurred to me that the chances of me being alone for the rest of my life are quite high. And I have basically started to prepare myself for that possibility. Get myself financially stable and get a few investments going here and there, you know the deal…, find new hobbies, things to get pleasure from and to pass time. And as I thought and made my plans, it occurred to me that I was planning for a bleak future. The funny thing is, I am absolutely okay with that! I am absolutely fine with such a future because, honestly, the thought of forever being ‘The Other Woman’ or having my heart broken scares me far much worse than the thought of a future in what is fast being known as #TeamForeverAlone. How’s THAT for irony?

Single and Happy???

happy-single-valentines-feature

…..is it possible?

I didn’t think I would be doing another post this soon…yes, yes, yes, I know I promised y’all a couple of stories but a girl can only do so much! Well, the truth is, work has not been so bad this week. Very few clients. Which, honestly, I’m not complaining about! 🙂 I like having a reprieve in the middle of the work day to take a nap or catch up with my reading or something. Maybe listen to my favorite music. I have been neglecting my playlists of late… Not cool. Also, the boss has been away so I’ve kinda been the Acting Boss and probably will be for the next couple of weeks… Maaaaan, I love being the boss!! I can just sit at my machine and churn out a post and I look like I’m doing some serious work! Plus, oh, what a joy delegation is!! The person who invented delegation should be crowned king of the world. Must’ve been on cleverly lazy bastard…. I wanna be a boss forever and ever. (As long as there is a similar reflection in my pay slip, of course.)

Anyway, I was talking to a friend recently and I found out she has a new boyfriend. We’ve been single for a while now, me and her. Of course I was ecstatic for her. She’s the sort of person who is uncomfortable with the whole being single thing. So I congratulate her and I’m all happy for her and she tells me “Just hang in there love, you’ll get one too….” O____o Now, if you have read any of my other posts, you know that I’m a single, twenty-something year old working girl and truthfully, I have been single for a very long time… Longer than I even care to admit to some people because some of them tend to give you the stinky eye like ‘Is something wrong with you? Why have you been single for that long???’ Sigh. My issues with relationships are many and varied…. the most obvious being the usual ‘Once bitten, twice shy’ shtick. Oh, that alone would make up a blog by itself. I probably will talk about them one day. Or not. Maybe. I don’t know… 🙂 My issue right now is these people who think a woman cannot be single and happy. Yes, a woman. Y’all know a woman is judged more harshly than a man…. A man under the same circumstances would be considered a baller. A player. A lucky bastard.. He’d get pats on his back and women would continously throw their knickers at him. He’d be the envy of his friends… It’s almost like it’s a misnomer…. Single and happy??? The two of them apparently cancel each other out. Why does a girl being single cancel out all her other accomplishments? Why is being a single woman a taboo? My friend went on ahead to tell me, ‘Aki usijali, utapata tu…’ (Loosely translated to mean “Don’t worry, you’ll find one eventually”!!! (I shot her several times, and in slow-motion too, in my head, just so you know. And I’m not even ashamed to admit it out loud)

If you were to ask me about myself, I’d say I am a (mostly) confident woman who has a pretty good life, full of meaningful work, a good support network of wonderful friends, and a loving family. My career is going well, I got a promotion, I’m making good money…… basically, I like where I am right now and I wouldn’t really want to change much in my life… OK, so I could stand to lose a few pounds…. Of course, so yeah, I would probably rub that magic lamp hard to change that. But since things don’t work that way, I’m eating much healthier nowadays and hitting the gym in between and I’m fairly certain that I will shed those stupid pounds, if I am patient enough. And patient I am… See, I grew up in a large family….almost the size of a football team really, so patience was not a virtue rather, pretty much a necessity. Unlike my mum who doesn’t seem to understand that the damn weight does not melt away overnight! She’s on my case like a thong up a big ass! MY big ass. :-/ I understand her concern, I really do, I just wish she could go about it in a less obnoxious way. I get weary sometimes just thinking about it. Bah!

So, to sum it up, I am a single woman approaching her thirty’s with no kids. I am just going to pause for a second to let that sink in, and to let you think about the images and feelings that spring to mind when you hear that phrase. I bet a number of you think I am either:

  • Standing in a crotch-grazing leopard-print dress, in high heels (they HAVE to be high heels. I always wear high heels.) at a bar yelling extremely loudly, with a slightly-to-very-crazy look in my eyes, “I LOVE being single! I never want a relationship! Relationships are for the weak! Look at HOW MUCH FUN I AM HAVING!!” OR
  • Sitting in my pajamas, inhaling a tub of ice cream while watching When Harry Met Sally and sobbing about how lonely and empty my life is. (Ok, so I do eat ice cream on occasion. Chocolate too, though not much of late…but I categorically deny ever watching that movie and I never sob while eating ice cream. We all know there’s love to be found at the bottom of the tub, right? Right? Come ooooon…right?)

You couldn’t be further from the truth if that is the imagery you had. Most of the time, I am perfectly happy with the way things are. I love my work (on most days when my good ‘ol boss is not being an ass a beast of burden) and I love my family. I like taking care of my nieces and nephews and quite frankly, it works out very well for me. I get to have the healing company of children and best of all, I get to return them to their owners at the end of the day… That is a win-win situation right there, if you ask me! But nobody is asking me, I guess. Sigh. Sadly, society seems too intent upon reminding me that my life is not complete until I make a walk down the aisle and/or/then have babies. One of the hardest thing nowadays about being single at this age is not actually being single, it is having to put up with the constant bombardment of comments and pressure to “find someone” and “be happy” (with the inference that if you are single, you must be very miserable). And what’s worse is, most of these comments come from women themselves! Like if you are married and have children, it suddenly makes you exponentially superior to my single self! It’s almost like being single is analogous to some sort of flesh-eating disease that, if unchecked, will eventually consume you in some god-awful way. Oh, and the absolute worst are the ones who think they magically have the right to tell you it’s your fault you’re single because they are partnered. Things like “You don’t put yourself out there…. You need to get out more…. You need to stop being so career-minded… You need to lower your standards a little bit…” Lady, if I put myself out there any further, I’ll fall off the damn ledge!!

So what compels people to make such hurtful or patronizing remarks to single women? Is it because they really think they’re doing us a service? Do they really believe my life is empty? Or are they trying to justify their own life choices? There’s probably more than one answer to that question, but with the divorce rate at about 50 percent, what is it about marriage that still compels people, especially women, to feel that it is the end-all-be-all of happiness and success? And why is it these partnered people have the right to comment on my single status yet I, on the other hand, am not allowed to comment on the absolutely appaling state of some of their relationships? I have a friend who’s engaged yet she (Yes, she. Pick your jaw from the floor) cheats on the hapless dude left, right and center. With exes, with younger men, with work colleagues, with the one who got away (but somehow managed to come back now that she’s engaged to be hitched), damn, just about everything in trousers! Yet I am not allowed to comment on that! Why should it be acceptable for me to be asked “Why are you still single?”, yet it isn’t okay for me to ask “Why have you settled for him? Why are you stuck with her? Were you so afraid of being alone?” What is with the double standards people? Are we so besotted by the idea of being partnered that we believe any relationship or marriage, no matter how dysfunctional, is better than being single? Also, why should the fact that I am single overshadow my accomplishments. Why should it eclipse the fact that I work hard, I have bought my own car or my own piece of land or that I’m constructing a commercial building that is likely gonna get me a good and stable income? Why should the fact that my vagina has not squeezed out any life form eclipse the fact that I am helping to educate my siblings? Why should the fact that my uterus has not housed any life be a reason for someone, anyone to pity me or worse, feel superior to me?? Do not get me wrong, I am not anti-love or anti-marriage or anti-babies. I believe in love. I believe in its power and its healing. And I absolutely adore babies… I am not saying that being single is THE BEST THING EVER!!…. No! Being single has it’s challenges. Yes, we do get sad and lonely days…and there are probably things like businesses or investments that would be so much easier done as a couple than as a single person…. There is the companionship. Someone to sit, and hold hands with, in the dark with when KPLC are misbehaving… And the sex… Oh, dear God, THE SEX!! I miss the sex… That’s probably the single biggest thing I hate about being not being in a relationship. I love sex but I am not into casual sex. Or one-night stands or friends-with-benefits type of situations. I believe that sex is an intimate thing that should be shared by two (or more, depending on how freaky y’all are! hihihi.) people in a commitment of some sort. Of course, on one of those really bad nights being driven by the dry spell, I have considered changing my mind about it…but I haven’t so far…. But I do not feel the need to rush into a relationship right now. I do not feel the need to have children right now. And, if I can be brutally honest, I am quite, very certain that I probably won’t have children. My biological clock seems to have either stopped or malfunctioned. Maybe I never had one to begin with, it was probably assigned to someone else….whatever the reason, I do not feel the need to terrorize my genitals just to prove something to anyone. I have never been a woman who dreams of the white dress or a big wedding and honestly, the idea of marriage scares the holy bejezuz out of me! I know I am not ready for that kind of commitment right now. I want to live alone for now….travel the world. Explore. Not have to explain myself or my actions to anyone. Or be responsible for anyone’s well-being. Or anyone’s feelings… I am probably not emotionally mature for it either…. One friend told me that I was being selfish for thinking that way. She said a woman’s duty (DUTY??? WTH??) is to settle down and raise a family. When I told her I didn’t think I would ever want or have children, she practically got the vapors and fainted! We had to get the find the smelling salts to revive her.

IMG_1771-500x500I find that I have learnt to thrive in, and enjoy, the alone-ness. (Not loneliness! That would just be anti-social) and I am quite content and fulfilled whether a relationship ever happens or not. Of course I would love to be in a relationship one day (once I get over my phobias) and I would love to give my all to my partner in an extraordinary way…but I am not going to let the fact that I am not in one right now dictate how I live the rest of my life…. If it happens, it happens. If not, *shrugs* I would be glad for the day when I can talk about the challenges of being a single person without being judged as miserable or bitter, or to be able to talk about and share my happiness and accomplishments without someone thinking (or saying) “Yes, but you don’t have a man.” I am not making some kind of feminist statement or something here, though it probably wouldn’t matter if I was anyway…

I would like people to please stop trying to live my life for me. Stop projecting their expectations of life on me. I do not want to have a boyfriend or a husband simply as an accessory….because it is expected of me. I want to have the right person, at the right time. And right now is not the right time for me. There may never be a right time or that right person and if that’s the case, I will deal with it then. I wish we could all remember that life isn’t a competitive sport and happiness CAN be found in many places, not just in relationships and marriages and motherhood. I can be single AND happy…. Please let me be.

Note:

I would like to bury my head in the sand and act like this piece is going to go down well with everyone. The truth is, I am likely going to be labeled as a bitter single woman who’s unable to find love and is therefore lashing out at all the not-single people. Knowing that I am anything but bitter or miserable yet will likely be labeled so makes me extremely sad but hey, opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one. And they have the right to have one too, no matter how asinine. I hope y’all have a wonderful weekend.

:-*

quotes-about-girls-being-jealous-20

Do Not Try This…. 7 (damn-near) Impossible Sex Positions.

Y’all know the unwritten rule of the land…. When you ain’t  having something, or even worse, when you are not supposed to have something, you tend to constantly think and obsess about it. And this is exactly why diets do not work for me and most of the women out here. Because I think of that carrot cake I am NOT supposed to have and suddenly I feel like I will die if I do not have a bite of the damn cake. Heck, forget about the cake, even a simple mint sweet seems like manna from heaven when you are on a diet. So I simply do not tell myself I’m on a diet lest weird cravings kick in! Anyway, not to digress. I’ve been on an impossibly dry, dry-spell. (sigh) so the truth is, I’ve pretty had the bumping uglies on my mind like 85% of the time. Yes, dear men, women can day-dream about sex too. Which can really be a pain in the ass when you’re in a meeting and random parts of you starts perking up and other literally get their pom poms and start cheering in the presence of random dudes! FTS

The grumpy cat

The grumpy pussy (sic)

Anyhoodles, long-suffering sigh on one of those boring afternoons at work, I am just trolling the ‘net as usual, I came across the Kama Sutra and I was bored (or bold) enough to flip through it while at work. (P.s; You do NOT want to know the look on one of my colleagues’ face when she walked into my office and discovered what I was up to!!! Lol. Most comical look EVER.) So, I’m browsing and browsing through and drooling just a teensy weensy bit at the very buff, muscular species of the male variety depicting all manner of sensual, carnal pleasure that has been denied to me all these past many, many, many months. I remember thinking to myself that all folks engaged in coitus (I just had to use that word. I’m an adult but I burst out into helpless giggles every time I hear it. Hehehe.) should be rounded up and shot and just leave the rest of us in miserable peace. And now for some reason, I can’t stop picturing some grumpy cat I keep on seeing on Twitter feeling very happy about the shooting of the sexed up bastards people. Forgive me, I am taking you everywhere today. I am ever so slightly high on some Codeine-laced medication I have taken for a migraine. I keep giggling randomly. I do that when I am high. Tihihihihi.

Anway, without further distraction, here are the top seven, damn near-impossible to achieve, positions (in no particular order) that I thought you shouldn’t try at home…..or anywhere for that matter!

1. The Headspinner:

the-headspinner

The headspinner

How it works: He stands (or is it spins?) on his head with his legs in the splits while you wrap yourself around his torso, scissor between his legs and balance in his armpit.

My take: Where do I even start? Look Ma, no hands!!! Or NOT. Now, now, you may be dating a professional break dancer, (or a contortionist, I don’t know what kinda freaky situations you are into!) and he may be able to do some electric bugaloo shit, but can he balance hands-free on his head AND pump his upside-down dong in you while you’re balancing in his armpit? There’s this thing, you see, it’s called gravity. So, I’m going to go ahead and endorse this one. Go for it. Go wild. And quite frankly if you and anyone you know are stupid enough to attempt this, regardless of how co-ordinated, strong, flexible or agile you are, you deserve everything you get. Just don’t forget to set up a camera. Oh, and set up the feed to automatically send to mizthunderthighs@gmail.com ……  Y’know, just in case you’re unable to move for some reason or another… 😉

2. The Pair Of Tongs:

The Pair Of Tongs

How it works: In this position, you hang off the bed sideways, supporting most of your weight on one arm. The man holds your waist, straddles your lower leg while holding your upper leg and inserts the D in the P.

My Take: I looked at the picture of this one and just laughed. Talk about superhuman strength! Who makes this stuff up? If you’re not a master at side plank, or don’t have the upper body strength of Madonna, your arms are going to collapse or you are going to fall on your head the minute he starts pumping. Let’s be honest, he’s going to forget that you are in a precarious position the minute dong hits your honeypot and sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but side entry is NOT always pleasurable. Plus, it’s gotta be a schlong, not a schlort, if you expect to achieve any sort of penetration…

3. The Wanton Wheelbarrow:

the-wheelbarrow

The wanton wheelbarrow

How it works: You do a hand stand while he stands and grips your waist, entering your honeypot from behind.

My Take: Sigh. Seriously, who comes up with these things? Surely there are easier, less awkward, more fun AND flattering ways for a woman to demonstrate her upper body strength. Not all of us are Olympic standard gymnasts! The truth is, your elbows are going to give out in like 30 seconds and things are not going to end very well for the man brave enough (or is it foolish enough?) to try this. It doesn’t work out well for the lady either! Especially if he has poor hygiene and you have to smell his socks. (Why is he wearing socks???? Ugh.)

4. The Back Breaker: (huh???)

back-breaker

The back breaker

How it works: You starting by standing on your bed, he levitates in mid-air while you sit on his dong with your legs hooked around his neck. After you assume this position, you fall backwards in unison. Can be repeated as often as you want. Why would you want want to repeat such a ridiculous thing??? 

My Take: WHAT THE FUCK?? Do I even need to go into why a position called ‘Back Breaker’ should not find it’s way into your sex talk, let alone your bedroom? It’s called Back Breaker for heaven’s sake! Also, nobody can levitate and manage to move his pelvis in any way that is pleasurable! No, not even your awesome-ass boyfriend. OK, maybe Idris Elba….. *Sigh* That man can gerrit. He can fetch it, he can obtain it, he can bend it like Beckham if he so wishes and he can keep it too! Wishful sigh. As one of my pals keeps telling me, some people are really created in the image of the almighty being…. *Sigh*

5. The London Bridge:

london-Bridge

The London Bridge

How it works: To start this position, the man must get on all fours, facing upward. (hahaahaahaha!! If you’ve gotten this far, as a couple, congratulations to the man for being a double jointed freak of nature) You, the woman, then (somehow!!) straddles the man without knocking out his legs from under him and the riding begins.

My Take: These joint positions are completely unnatural for human beings. (Unless you are a contortionist or you have some weird disease like Marfan’s Syndrome…) That, and I’d really love to know the person who can hold a bridge with another human being sitting on their pelvis humping away… And I can’t even figure out how the D and P would line up for any penetration decent enough to achieve the big O. Any insertion would be impossible, as the man’s middle region will naturally want to bend inward, towards the ground… SMH. Also, if the ‘bridge’ falls down, the woman’s center of gravity would be sitting at a shock point to the man’s spinal cord with the possibility of intense back injuries, minor pelvic injuries, and a really hurty butt for both parties! Frankly, I wouldn’t try this one. Unless I really, really don’t want to look at the guy’s face. Maybe he’s ugly. Like really ugly. Like warthog ugly. Or, like the-walrus-that-ate-the-wathog ugly. Maybe then. And even then, and let’s be honest here, unless it’s like the post-apocalypse era or something, I wouldn’t be caught alive with someone THAT ugly. *Chills* Bloody bollocks! One last thing, why ‘The London Bridge’? Why not The San Francisco Bridge? Or The Nairobi River Bridge?

6. The Backdoor Cartwheel:

backdoor-cartwheel1

The backdoor cartwheel

How it works: Uuhhmmm, honestly, I have not been able to figure out how this one works. I guess someone gets in a cartwheel position and somehow D and P manage to find each other and you cartwheel around together. I guess. *Scratches head*

My Take: Where do I even start with this one? First of all, the “backdoor” reference in the name of this position is raising all sorts or red and blue and green and whatever other colour of flags…. Where is his dong going??? In the sausage wallet (the P) or the butt a.k.a backdoor??? DO NOT attempt this!!! Seriously though, what could be so horribly broken about your relationship that either one or both of you feel the need to over-compensate in this way??? Holy Crap, this position scares the bejezzuz outta me!! However, if you and your partner are able to carry this out (and I shall require both photographic evidence for this…), then I shall crown you Master and Mistress of All Things Sexual. 😀 *Hands you sceptre and crowns*

7. The Pogo Stick:

pogo-stick

The Pogo Stick

How it works: Basically, the guy crouches down, lifts you up before standing back up and pulling you down. He somehow manages to hold you on his dong, in mid-air, facing forward, AND simultaneously alternating crouching and standing repeatedly.  OK.

My Take: Do you have the abdominal strength to hold yourself in that position? Unless you are an have Gwen Stefani kind of rock-hard abs, NO. And even if you do, does he have the arm strength to keep you from falling backwards and cracking your head open? One slip, and you’re likely to hear a sharp snapping sound and the sound of a man crying…… There are just too many moving parts here for this to end in anything but an embarrassing hospital visit with a variety of injuries ranging from skull fractures to penis fractures to spinal injuries. (and let’s not forget, a whole lot of crying.) Unless this position is the very last thing left on your bucket list, please steer clear…

Now that Valentine’s Day is around the corner, I implore you to please, take a long hard look at your relationship. Have a frank discussion about your feelings and find other pleasant, more pleasurable and far LESS dangerous to explore and show your feelings and for heaven’s sake, leave this madness behind!! 😉 Just because it CAN be done, does not mean it SHOULD be done…. heeeheeehee. If you need a diagram (or an illustration/demonstration) to figure out what to put where and how to do it, should you even be attempting it??? But who am I to say they are impossible? Maybe if I got out and actually tried them out instead of reading about them and looking at drawings, I might actually do the impossible! Lol. Just kidding. I am never, never, ever even thinking of trying to attempt any of them! I like my bones just the way they are. Intact. So I shall stick to my single, kamasutra-browsing lane for now.

Now you crazy kids, get out there and have fun. And don’t forget to be safe. AIDS is real y’all….

Cheers.