That’s Just the Way it is…

Right now I feel like a tired train that is puffing along the rail as it heads to its destination. The only difference between me and the train is that it has a path set out for it, while I’m setting out a path on my own.  All I hear in my head is the chugging of the train on the rails, and periodically the sound of a hoot somewhere at the back of my head!

The hooting is all I heard for while and it created in me a sense of foreboding. It was sad that some people did not really understand me, where I came from and where I am going. While others saw what I did as a game- some sort of a joke, I took it seriously. I made a choice to stick it out- something odd, considering my impatience and sense of adventure. I wanted to try new things, but I knew and still know that every venture comes with a consequence. It is a little bit hard to work things out if some of the most important people in your life do not know what you are about. But with patience and tolerance, I hope they will get around to it and see things with my eyes even if just for a minute.

I lost friends, yeah, I have. I gained new ones too. Some who have shown me that life is not all about fun times. Life can be full of tears and sadness. But the thing that stood out the most is that these friends hang in there with me. They were that support I longed for when I was feeling down. They were there when I needed them; when I wanted to cry all the tears in me, and when I felt like laughter was just never enough. For friends lost: fare thee well. Thanks for the lessons you taught me.

I have made a lot of mistakes. Some I knew, others I stumbled upon, and even though I feel a little bit sad at either my naivety or stupidity; one thing is clear- the path I am creating is taking a shape that I like. All my mistakes will be stepping stones to things better, or worse, depending with the situation, but all in all I know I will hack it. I will make something out of all this groping around in the dark. I will click on that switch of light that will give me a sense of direction: a sense of when I will need an umbrella or when I will have to walk out in the sun’s glare.

I do not want this to sound like some sort of New Year memo. It is something I will always look back to and see the growth that I have achieved. It will be a footnote to the things that I will do from today onwards.

That’s just how it is…or not.

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All about them Boobies.

What is it about boobs?

Oooooh, don’t look at me like THAT! It’s October. Breast cancer awareness month. How could I let it pass without saying something about them boobies? Come oooooooooon! ☻ I like breasts. Yes, I said it. I like breasts. Especially the kind that are not mine. There is just something magical about them… Most of us women actually can’t understand what the big deal is about boobs and some of us even think guys are such perverts for obsessing over two blobs of fat and milk on a woman’s chest…. I have been recently inducted into the ‘Church of Boobs-are-glorious’ and I confess to now seeing the light… So for y’all women audibly sighing right now, please save your comments until we women stop obsessing about diamonds. Thank you. Now, what are boobs? Hahaha!! The comments I have heard from far and wide about boobs are simply priceless. Some got me laughing so hard till there was no sound coming out and then I ended up looking like a retarded seal just rolling on the floor in my pee and clapping stupidly.

Top ten most hilarious facts:

  • Breasts are, in fact, big lumps of fat with milk.
  • Breasts are those things you stare at when trying to ask a girl on a date.
  • Breasts are made for use by mindless infants and are so powerful that they manage to reduce most adults to the same mental level.
  • Boobs can either:

a) help you get a job/promoted or

b) make the workplace more tolerable for the rest of us.

  • Boobs are often successfully used in place of a coherent plot or acting in movies to create a great film.
  • Staring at breasts can reduce your IQ to something you can’t even spell, let alone use.
  • They have been known to contain a substance that induces mind control visually.
  • The power of boobs should not be underestimated.
  • Although they begin developing at puberty, it would be wise to wait until they’re legal to stare.
  • Boobs are like a piece of art.

Why do we love the boobies?

1. The cleavage:

Giggity-giggity…..

2. The under-boob:

Aaaaand, a moment of silence please… sigh.

3. the Side-boob:

From the dawn of time, boobs have been shaping history – destroying careers, crippling world powers…..the works….. Many men have been nearly destroyed by these orbs of power ( I really, really, really was tempted to put a pic of Bill Clinton here….but….. Sigh. Let me be good. ) …….Still, whatever your view are about boobs, you have to admit they are fascinating.

What’s the best boob size? Sigh. This is complex. The answer totally depends on who you ask of course. The small-breasted women want big ones; the big-breasted ones want smaller ones. (Well, at least I know I do…sigh, what I wouldn’t do for a set of bouncy B-cups…..) Of course if you ask men, the majority of them will insist the bigger the titties, the better!! SMH.

Do guys know the trouble that comes with big boobs? They’re huge so the first disadvantage is you can never prance around without a bra. (Speaking of bras…. I am very certain, and close to proving my hypothesis, that the bra was invented by a man. And a very sadistic one at that! Oooooh, the joys of getting home and taking off that bra… sigh. Magic.) Anyway, yes, I was saying, no prancing about without a bra. The damn things will swing this way and swing that way, and the nipples get all perky nshit…smh. Nasty stuff. And let’s not even go into the looks you get from people when you walk all swingy, swingy from the chest. The second thing…..itchy underboobs….and between-boobs…wherever there’s skin, there’s likely gonna be sweating. Wherever there’s sweating, y’all know there’s serious itching… So I’m once in a work meeting and I get this sudden, incessant itch. Under-boobs itching like mad. That itch that just won’t go away. Gets worse the more you ignore it…. I ended up unconsciously scratching and then adjusting the bra. LMAO! Then I look up and find half the people are staring at me like I have two heads!!! And the other half? The amount of drool I could have collected…..! SMH. Not a very stellar moment I admit… Back-aches… Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, the bigger the boobs, the worse the backaches. No wonder women like Queen Latifah went under the knife to get rid of some of that weight! And the lack of fitting tops/clothes…. And the lack of good bras. The bra people decided big breasted women do not need good bras. And by good bras, I mean the sort that would have humans of the male variety wanting to tear it off with their teeth… Yes, that sexy kind. Most bras for us are functional. And if you manage to get the good kind that I’m talking about, you better believe they’ll cost an arm and a leg…. But, the silver lining? That astounded look a guy gets when they see them babies. That cleavage packs a punch I tell you!

What size?

Anyway, enough about the big boob woes. I wanted to talk to men about a couple of things. (I am not gonna include women here coz I haven’t heard any complaint yet from a woman about another woman man-handling {woman-handling?} her babies…) Lads, please take notes…..

Boobs are sensitive: Depends on a lot of things like the size and what point of her cycle the woman is in. Also, a woman may not always be aroused by you twiddling her boobs. Again, depends on what point of her cycle she’s at as well as well as other things like if she’s taking the pill/hormones etc….. There are times when a simple touch get her motors raving like mad…other times they’re so painful she may not want you to even touch them (wearing a bra at this point is a bitch too!) Personally, I prefer if you stay the hell away from my breasts when I’m on my period. Do not touch, do not even brush up against me or I will be forced to have you killed. Seriously. Be gentle with the twins Fellas…

They are not Stress balls: No! You do not need to get all grabby causing pain and booby bruises (and forcing some of us to be walking around in turtle-neck tops in this heat!). Booby bruises are not the new hickies. They are not sexy! I don’t care what’s going on with you…. if you are stressed or what, but boobs are NOT stress balls! Stop that! Neither are they detachable! You can’t take my titties with you! Eish. They’re staying here with me… If you want a pair, that’s something you’re gonna have to discuss with your therapist… So. Gentle….. gentle… Say it with me; GENTLE… And keep your hands clean and finger-nails short while you’re at it. Boobie lacerations aren’t pretty.

Boobies aren’t flames: So my girlfriend tells me of this dude she once was making out with and he started blowing air at her boobs. And she was like, WHY? Why would you blow at my boobies? Are you trying to light them up? They’re not flames! Or am I wrong ladies? Maybe some of y’all like the guy to blow on your twins…. Ladies? Needless to say, her session with the guy didn’t go beyond that.

Boobs are NOT door-knobs!: Sigh. Some of you guys have the sensitivity of a sledge hammer…. The center of the Boob is the source of its power. It is so powerful in fact that society does not permit its public display for fear of wide spread anarchy, and mass headsplosions….. It also sensitive AF!! So why would you go pinching the nipples and twisting them like door-knob? Do you know how painful that shit is? Any other women shudder at the thought of someone twisting a nipple? Good God. If someone did that to me, I’d snap their hand off at the wrist. Hey! Hey! HEEY! Cut that crap out! You don’t see me grabbing your dong and twisting it like a key in the key-hole, did you?!! Nkt. Washana kabisa….

Biting: Why, oh why would you be biting my girls? Nibbling is great, grazing lightly is even better… biting, not so much. It’s painful. Urrgh. They’re not carrots….They’re not sijui bread or fries or whatever… Stop biting them boobies!! Alternatively, we can start biting your dongs too… I call that a fair trade…. Let’s see if you like that Ish.

A pet peeve of mine…. guys who rush to the boobies before anything else. People, No encounter with a female should begin by you touching her breasts unless she puts your hands there, she is paid for by the hour, or it is somehow socially acceptable to do so in some odd scenario for some strange reason. Why not start with some kissing first? Huh? Huh?

Anyway, different women, different boobies, different reactions. What I know is, women vary wildly in this subject matter in particular. The best solution is to pay careful attention to the woman you are with and determine what works for her. If you are unable to do that, why not ask. You know how much women love giving instructions…. 😉

P.S:

It is October. Breast Cancer month. I implore you to please get screened. And this goes out to both women AND Men… Yes, pick your jaws from the floor, men can get breast cancer too…Women, doctors recommend monthly breast examinations… if you are unable to do a self-examination, please seek help from a doctor. They will be glad to show you how to do a self-exam. Women should begin practicing breast self-examination at about age 20 and continue the practice throughout their lives—even during pregnancy and after menopause. The best time to do the examinations is a few days after your periods when the breasts are no longer tender. For post-menopausal women, pick a certain day—such as the first day of each month—to remind yourself to do the examination. The self examination should be used in addition to the clinical breast examination (performed by a health care provider every three years for women in their 20’s and 30’s, and every year for women ages 40 and older) and mammography.

Men; even though men don’t develop milk-producing breasts, they still have a small amount of breast tissue. Anyone who has breast tissue is at a risk for developing breast cancer. This means men, too, can get breast cancer. Please, report any change in the look or feel of the breast (chest area), or nipple discharge right away to your health care provider. And if breast cancer runs in your family, a regular breast examination might also be helpful. Do not ignore this…. Breast Cancer is NOT a disease exclusive to women…..

Touch your breasts…learn your breasts…. Save a breast, save a life…..

Cheers…