Today I was thinking back about my life in the last couple of weeks and I realized that I have become cynical. And jaded. And I’ve pretty much lost interest in life and people in general. Well, it’s either that or I’m just perpetually tired and bored. 😀 I remember the days I was back in high school and in university and I especially remember how my classmates, and most people in general (and this includes even my teachers) considered me one of the craziest, boldest and funniest people ever. Now I sit and I wonder what happened to that girl?? Where did I take her? Somewhere along the lane, I lost that girl and sometimes I find myself feeling so nostalgic and missing her. If I ever met her, I’d have so many questions to ask her!! |Like, how did she manage to be that carefree, that bold, that confident. Maybe I lost pieces of her as I gathered up the years. Nowadays, I feel so old! My excuse for avoiding literally everything is ‘Gosh, I’m so old.’, ‘Oh, no, I’m too old for that stuff now.’ ‘Hahaha. I can’t do that at this age.’, ‘Hahaha! Do you know how old I am??’ I think I might have just found a safety blanket in age. The truth is, I just don’t have much social energy anymore. And my inner introvert is winning. She’d rejoice about it. Although I don’t think introverts rejoice in anything! She’d just sit, calmly cross her legs and smile just a bit and consider that a celebration.
Anyway, one of the ladies at work asked me the other day what was wrong and when was I finally gong to have a child? I tried to downplay it and told her I’m just too busy to think about children just yet. And this lady goes on like ‘But you’ll soon be too old to have children. Just have one and let us raise it for you as you pursue your dreams… A woman cannot be a woman without a child!’ I honestly did not know how to react to that statement. I was, in turns, angry, sad and even amused. How dare she presume to think we’re close enough for her to ask me about a thing as intensely personal as when I am having a child?? I mean, we are JUST co-workers after all. I assume that the reproductive state of my uterus shouldn’t really be any concern of hers. And of course there is that age-old notion that a woman is not complete without a child at her bosom or on her back, no matter her accomplishments… so OF COURSE I was upset that she was in some way telling me that I haven’t achieved anything with my life as I do not yet have a child. Then of course I felt sad because it saddened me that someone would judge me based on such a thing. And amused because it simply occurred to me that her opinion was 1) a really narrow-minded, and frankly out-dated, way of thinking and 2) her opinion was never going to change the plans I have set out for myself and finally 3) her opinion bored me. I bore easily nowadays. Sigh. It amazes me that, to this day and age, a woman’s greatest achievement is having a child, or children depending on how strong she is! Why should the fact that I have not turned my uterus into some sort of incubation pod for the satisfaction of society overshadow the fact that I have helped to take care of my parents? Or helped to put my siblings thorough school? Or even put myself through school? Achieved things that a woman was long thought not to be able to achieve or do? And why, oh why, do people feel like it is absolutely alright and well within their rights to comment on the childless state of my womb?? I mean, really, think about it. It’s almost the same amount of disrespect I feel when people comment on my weight like when someone feels the need to tell me how much I need to join a gym. And, sadly, some of the people are just fake concern trolling you. Some people feel the, really sad, need to point out the ‘imperfections’ in your life so that theirs seems well put-together, perfect even… You do not need to put someone down in order to shine. Urgh. Some time ago, this guy I worked with mentioned to me how just perfect I was for him to take home to his mother. And then he proceeded to add, ‘All we need to do now is get you to join a gym and everything shall be perfect.’ This, at a time when I was actually already signed on to a gym membership for a whole freaking year. Unfortunately, he caught me on a day when, ahem, let’s just say the stars and the moons and the planets were not in sync at all… haha. 😀 I answered something to the effect of ‘Listen, mister. You do not feed me. You do not pay my rent and neither are you significant in any way in my life. You do not help me carry this body you feel is too large around so please, until the day I shall walk up to you and ask you to please help me carry these arms, this ass or these thighs, and you would be so lucky anyway if I ever deemed you important enough to ask such a thing, then, and only then, mister, may you feel the need to comment on the size of my body.’ I think he might have gasped for air for a minute after that. I’m not usually that scathing… really, I promise. I’m cute and really, really cuddly. At least that’s what my girl friends keep telling me. One more than the others, I suspect because she wants to lay her head on my bossom… hahaha. I’m kidding. But they’re my friends and I suspect they occasionally lie, eeerrr, smooth over the truth, to me to make me feel good about myself. I love them. They’re few but very cherished. (Hey , B! L! J!, I know you’re reading this. I knew you were, the moment I noticed the stats on the blog were on an upward trend… I doubt anyone one else would read or listen to my mindless ramblings except you girls. Much love! :-* ) Anyway, I digress. But seriously, I AM cuddly…
So, my womb, my business. That’s really all I am trying to put across…
1. I am not any less of a woman just because I have not snagged myself some man and popped a few brats. You do not know my plans, my struggles or my life, therefore, please quit with the how-active-is-your-uterus narrative. And quite honestly, I do not feel the need to put my uterus, my body, and yes, my vagina, through the arduous process that is a pregnancy just to please anyone.
2. My accomplishments, my success, they are not any less thrilling to me or my family just because I do not have a child to share it with. My priorities are just not YOUR priorities. Children are NOT the ultimate achievement of a woman.
3. Errrr, NO! I am not a bitter childless woman, just stop with that sentiment. Idjit! I know some nincompoop right now is about to bring that up. I have had opportunities , I get opportunities almost everyday, to have a child if I want… women get served dick with almost everything!
‘Hey T, you look so good today…. Would you like some dick with that?’, ‘T! you smell so good! Would you like some dick with that?’, ‘Jeez T, you’re so smart. And funny. And just all-around really cool. Would you like some dick with that?’
:-D. I am just not ready yet. Give it some time… 🙂
4. Finally, MY womb, MY decisions… Unless you share the pain with me every month when it decides to assault me and I can barely sleep because of the pain… and don’t even get me started on the bloody blood. (You see what I did there? haha. I know, I know. I might need prayers… I amuse myself in the most weirdest of ways.) Anyway, where was I? Yes, the womb, MY WOMB. The day I shall deign to let a foetus crawl in there with its blankets and whatnots and take over my life and my body for nine months, I shall be sure to let y’all know… Or not. Depends on how the moons and planets are aligned. 😀 Until then , it is none of anyone’s business. Stop with the watching me like an eagle and find something productive to do.