Do Not Try This…. 7 (damn-near) Impossible Sex Positions.

Y’all know the unwritten rule of the land…. When you ain’t  having something, or even worse, when you are not supposed to have something, you tend to constantly think and obsess about it. And this is exactly why diets do not work for me and most of the women out here. Because I think of that carrot cake I am NOT supposed to have and suddenly I feel like I will die if I do not have a bite of the damn cake. Heck, forget about the cake, even a simple mint sweet seems like manna from heaven when you are on a diet. So I simply do not tell myself I’m on a diet lest weird cravings kick in! Anyway, not to digress. I’ve been on an impossibly dry, dry-spell. (sigh) so the truth is, I’ve pretty had the bumping uglies on my mind like 85% of the time. Yes, dear men, women can day-dream about sex too. Which can really be a pain in the ass when you’re in a meeting and random parts of you starts perking up and other literally get their pom poms and start cheering in the presence of random dudes! FTS

The grumpy cat

The grumpy pussy (sic)

Anyhoodles, long-suffering sigh on one of those boring afternoons at work, I am just trolling the ‘net as usual, I came across the Kama Sutra and I was bored (or bold) enough to flip through it while at work. (P.s; You do NOT want to know the look on one of my colleagues’ face when she walked into my office and discovered what I was up to!!! Lol. Most comical look EVER.) So, I’m browsing and browsing through and drooling just a teensy weensy bit at the very buff, muscular species of the male variety depicting all manner of sensual, carnal pleasure that has been denied to me all these past many, many, many months. I remember thinking to myself that all folks engaged in coitus (I just had to use that word. I’m an adult but I burst out into helpless giggles every time I hear it. Hehehe.) should be rounded up and shot and just leave the rest of us in miserable peace. And now for some reason, I can’t stop picturing some grumpy cat I keep on seeing on Twitter feeling very happy about the shooting of the sexed up bastards people. Forgive me, I am taking you everywhere today. I am ever so slightly high on some Codeine-laced medication I have taken for a migraine. I keep giggling randomly. I do that when I am high. Tihihihihi.

Anway, without further distraction, here are the top seven, damn near-impossible to achieve, positions (in no particular order) that I thought you shouldn’t try at home…..or anywhere for that matter!

1. The Headspinner:

the-headspinner

The headspinner

How it works: He stands (or is it spins?) on his head with his legs in the splits while you wrap yourself around his torso, scissor between his legs and balance in his armpit.

My take: Where do I even start? Look Ma, no hands!!! Or NOT. Now, now, you may be dating a professional break dancer, (or a contortionist, I don’t know what kinda freaky situations you are into!) and he may be able to do some electric bugaloo shit, but can he balance hands-free on his head AND pump his upside-down dong in you while you’re balancing in his armpit? There’s this thing, you see, it’s called gravity. So, I’m going to go ahead and endorse this one. Go for it. Go wild. And quite frankly if you and anyone you know are stupid enough to attempt this, regardless of how co-ordinated, strong, flexible or agile you are, you deserve everything you get. Just don’t forget to set up a camera. Oh, and set up the feed to automatically send to mizthunderthighs@gmail.com ……  Y’know, just in case you’re unable to move for some reason or another… 😉

2. The Pair Of Tongs:

The Pair Of Tongs

How it works: In this position, you hang off the bed sideways, supporting most of your weight on one arm. The man holds your waist, straddles your lower leg while holding your upper leg and inserts the D in the P.

My Take: I looked at the picture of this one and just laughed. Talk about superhuman strength! Who makes this stuff up? If you’re not a master at side plank, or don’t have the upper body strength of Madonna, your arms are going to collapse or you are going to fall on your head the minute he starts pumping. Let’s be honest, he’s going to forget that you are in a precarious position the minute dong hits your honeypot and sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but side entry is NOT always pleasurable. Plus, it’s gotta be a schlong, not a schlort, if you expect to achieve any sort of penetration…

3. The Wanton Wheelbarrow:

the-wheelbarrow

The wanton wheelbarrow

How it works: You do a hand stand while he stands and grips your waist, entering your honeypot from behind.

My Take: Sigh. Seriously, who comes up with these things? Surely there are easier, less awkward, more fun AND flattering ways for a woman to demonstrate her upper body strength. Not all of us are Olympic standard gymnasts! The truth is, your elbows are going to give out in like 30 seconds and things are not going to end very well for the man brave enough (or is it foolish enough?) to try this. It doesn’t work out well for the lady either! Especially if he has poor hygiene and you have to smell his socks. (Why is he wearing socks???? Ugh.)

4. The Back Breaker: (huh???)

back-breaker

The back breaker

How it works: You starting by standing on your bed, he levitates in mid-air while you sit on his dong with your legs hooked around his neck. After you assume this position, you fall backwards in unison. Can be repeated as often as you want. Why would you want want to repeat such a ridiculous thing??? 

My Take: WHAT THE FUCK?? Do I even need to go into why a position called ‘Back Breaker’ should not find it’s way into your sex talk, let alone your bedroom? It’s called Back Breaker for heaven’s sake! Also, nobody can levitate and manage to move his pelvis in any way that is pleasurable! No, not even your awesome-ass boyfriend. OK, maybe Idris Elba….. *Sigh* That man can gerrit. He can fetch it, he can obtain it, he can bend it like Beckham if he so wishes and he can keep it too! Wishful sigh. As one of my pals keeps telling me, some people are really created in the image of the almighty being…. *Sigh*

5. The London Bridge:

london-Bridge

The London Bridge

How it works: To start this position, the man must get on all fours, facing upward. (hahaahaahaha!! If you’ve gotten this far, as a couple, congratulations to the man for being a double jointed freak of nature) You, the woman, then (somehow!!) straddles the man without knocking out his legs from under him and the riding begins.

My Take: These joint positions are completely unnatural for human beings. (Unless you are a contortionist or you have some weird disease like Marfan’s Syndrome…) That, and I’d really love to know the person who can hold a bridge with another human being sitting on their pelvis humping away… And I can’t even figure out how the D and P would line up for any penetration decent enough to achieve the big O. Any insertion would be impossible, as the man’s middle region will naturally want to bend inward, towards the ground… SMH. Also, if the ‘bridge’ falls down, the woman’s center of gravity would be sitting at a shock point to the man’s spinal cord with the possibility of intense back injuries, minor pelvic injuries, and a really hurty butt for both parties! Frankly, I wouldn’t try this one. Unless I really, really don’t want to look at the guy’s face. Maybe he’s ugly. Like really ugly. Like warthog ugly. Or, like the-walrus-that-ate-the-wathog ugly. Maybe then. And even then, and let’s be honest here, unless it’s like the post-apocalypse era or something, I wouldn’t be caught alive with someone THAT ugly. *Chills* Bloody bollocks! One last thing, why ‘The London Bridge’? Why not The San Francisco Bridge? Or The Nairobi River Bridge?

6. The Backdoor Cartwheel:

backdoor-cartwheel1

The backdoor cartwheel

How it works: Uuhhmmm, honestly, I have not been able to figure out how this one works. I guess someone gets in a cartwheel position and somehow D and P manage to find each other and you cartwheel around together. I guess. *Scratches head*

My Take: Where do I even start with this one? First of all, the “backdoor” reference in the name of this position is raising all sorts or red and blue and green and whatever other colour of flags…. Where is his dong going??? In the sausage wallet (the P) or the butt a.k.a backdoor??? DO NOT attempt this!!! Seriously though, what could be so horribly broken about your relationship that either one or both of you feel the need to over-compensate in this way??? Holy Crap, this position scares the bejezzuz outta me!! However, if you and your partner are able to carry this out (and I shall require both photographic evidence for this…), then I shall crown you Master and Mistress of All Things Sexual. 😀 *Hands you sceptre and crowns*

7. The Pogo Stick:

pogo-stick

The Pogo Stick

How it works: Basically, the guy crouches down, lifts you up before standing back up and pulling you down. He somehow manages to hold you on his dong, in mid-air, facing forward, AND simultaneously alternating crouching and standing repeatedly.  OK.

My Take: Do you have the abdominal strength to hold yourself in that position? Unless you are an have Gwen Stefani kind of rock-hard abs, NO. And even if you do, does he have the arm strength to keep you from falling backwards and cracking your head open? One slip, and you’re likely to hear a sharp snapping sound and the sound of a man crying…… There are just too many moving parts here for this to end in anything but an embarrassing hospital visit with a variety of injuries ranging from skull fractures to penis fractures to spinal injuries. (and let’s not forget, a whole lot of crying.) Unless this position is the very last thing left on your bucket list, please steer clear…

Now that Valentine’s Day is around the corner, I implore you to please, take a long hard look at your relationship. Have a frank discussion about your feelings and find other pleasant, more pleasurable and far LESS dangerous to explore and show your feelings and for heaven’s sake, leave this madness behind!! 😉 Just because it CAN be done, does not mean it SHOULD be done…. heeeheeehee. If you need a diagram (or an illustration/demonstration) to figure out what to put where and how to do it, should you even be attempting it??? But who am I to say they are impossible? Maybe if I got out and actually tried them out instead of reading about them and looking at drawings, I might actually do the impossible! Lol. Just kidding. I am never, never, ever even thinking of trying to attempt any of them! I like my bones just the way they are. Intact. So I shall stick to my single, kamasutra-browsing lane for now.

Now you crazy kids, get out there and have fun. And don’t forget to be safe. AIDS is real y’all….

Cheers.

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That’s Just the Way it is…

Right now I feel like a tired train that is puffing along the rail as it heads to its destination. The only difference between me and the train is that it has a path set out for it, while I’m setting out a path on my own.  All I hear in my head is the chugging of the train on the rails, and periodically the sound of a hoot somewhere at the back of my head!

The hooting is all I heard for while and it created in me a sense of foreboding. It was sad that some people did not really understand me, where I came from and where I am going. While others saw what I did as a game- some sort of a joke, I took it seriously. I made a choice to stick it out- something odd, considering my impatience and sense of adventure. I wanted to try new things, but I knew and still know that every venture comes with a consequence. It is a little bit hard to work things out if some of the most important people in your life do not know what you are about. But with patience and tolerance, I hope they will get around to it and see things with my eyes even if just for a minute.

I lost friends, yeah, I have. I gained new ones too. Some who have shown me that life is not all about fun times. Life can be full of tears and sadness. But the thing that stood out the most is that these friends hang in there with me. They were that support I longed for when I was feeling down. They were there when I needed them; when I wanted to cry all the tears in me, and when I felt like laughter was just never enough. For friends lost: fare thee well. Thanks for the lessons you taught me.

I have made a lot of mistakes. Some I knew, others I stumbled upon, and even though I feel a little bit sad at either my naivety or stupidity; one thing is clear- the path I am creating is taking a shape that I like. All my mistakes will be stepping stones to things better, or worse, depending with the situation, but all in all I know I will hack it. I will make something out of all this groping around in the dark. I will click on that switch of light that will give me a sense of direction: a sense of when I will need an umbrella or when I will have to walk out in the sun’s glare.

I do not want this to sound like some sort of New Year memo. It is something I will always look back to and see the growth that I have achieved. It will be a footnote to the things that I will do from today onwards.

That’s just how it is…or not.